perfect in weakness

hmm

2012-01-21T10:58:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning, praise God, in a good mood.

Things have been weighing heavily on my mind/heart this week, and I know it's not over . . . but it's nice to have a good day in the mix.

What am I living for?

If God put me on this earth on purpose, am I living for that purpose? Am I on mission? If He is the only one who will not pass away, am I investing in His kingdom? Or am I investing my life in futile, temporary things?

Or am I just living for my own personal fulfillment or happiness? Am I being selfish?

Will anything I do have a lasting impact?

What am I doing?

every time . . .

2012-01-16T00:08:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling these past few days . . . tonight I was trying to focus, about to hash out things with God, but this song keeps floating into my head every time I'm about to get serious.

But on a more serious note, a friend recalled this passage to me, which was very comforting in the midst of heartache:

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
-John 10:28-29

hello alone

2012-01-15T09:54:00.004-05:00

I am a crazy person.

I have been feeling discouraged lately . . . if God is sovereign, then why do people who were once in love with Him fall away? How can you go from believing the Gospel to becoming apathetic, or believing that all religions are valid and the only thing that counts is moralism?

Why do I run towards God when life doesn't make sense? Why do I hold fast to the Gospel when those around me no longer believe?

Seriously . . . I feel like a crazy person in those moments. And then I go through an array of emotions . . . and end up just feeling discouraged and sorrowful.

I don't understand why, if God is loving and sovereign, He allows his people to fade into passiveness and indifference. I know that God pursues relationships with people . . . so why does this happen?

I start to question God . . . a friend pointed me to Habakkuk 2, a book which I've heard called "the poor man's Job." hah. Similar situation . . . Habakkuk is questioning God's timing, and why He's allowing evil to flourish . . . God answers Him by basically saying that everything will happen at it's appointed time, and that He is in control. That is the suuuuper condensed and simplified version, so don't just take my word for it.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3

I've heard it said that we look to God for explanation, and He gives us revelation of Himself.

I may never know the answers to my questions. There are some things that I just have to surrender to God . . . it basically comes down to trust. Do I trust God? Do I trust Him, that He is in control, even when things seem completely chaotic and don't make any sense at all? Do I trust in His timing, in His sovereignty, that His ways are far better than my own? Do I trust that He is who He says He is? Can I follow a God that doesn't always make sense to my human brain?

Definitely wrestling through these things . . . but it's a good thing.

dismantle

2012-01-14T16:03:00.003-05:00

It has been way, way, way too long since I've written on this blog.

I simultaneously love and hate the moments where you take a step back and re-evaluate where you are in life.

Well, I don't love it.

Recently, a few of my closest friends broke the news that they are moving, and I don't mean down the street . . . it's more like of opposite corners of the country.

I feel like I have been floating along in life and everything seemed (at least to me) perfect . . . I think that's right when things are due to change.

I generally hate change. The only time I like change is when I'm the one in control of it. Or when it's something new and exciting. This is not exciting, this hurts my heart.

My first reaction, was to panic and think - I will have no friends!! Or, I must find a husband, because then I will have a rock, and I will have someone in my life who won't move away!

Take a step back, Sarah - you're crazy. I already have a rock, and He is the only one who promises to never leave or forsake me. In theory, I know that I'll never be alone, but sometimes you just feel so utterly alone, and it's the worst feeling in the world. Old fears, old sin, resurfaces. My fear of being alone haunts me in those moments. It threatens my identity, my being right down to the core.

I know that God promises to walk by me throughout my life, but sometimes you feel like you're all alone in some vast ocean, grasping for something to hold onto, but there's nothing there. What am I trying to hold onto? I want to hold onto my circumstances, the people and the relationships in my life. I want to have a vice grip on those things . . . and I never want them to change! But God is calling me to something so much greater . . . to hold onto Him, the one true rock who will be faithful throughout every season.

Plus, why am I getting upset when I know that what these friends are facing is so much more than my own pain in losing them? I want to be supportive to them and encourage them as they make this transition.

morning view

2011-10-04T08:31:00.005-04:00

I am a morning person, undoubtedly.

It's not just because my body automatically wakes up at 7am on my days off, even when I haven't gone to bed until 1 or 2.

It's not just because sometimes when I'm falling asleep at night, I'm already excited about what I'm going to eat for breakfast and the thought of that first cup of coffee.

The thing about mornings is . . . it's just so peaceful and untouched. When the sun first comes up, while most of the world (or at least my neighborhood) is still asleep. It's still, it's calm, there's a cool breeze in the air. Before the day gets started and things get kicked into gear . . . it's just a moment to take a deep breath, to start fresh.

I have a choice each morning . . . what or who will I trust in to get through this day? Will I lean into the Gospel more and learn to rely more fully on God? Will I trust in my own abilities, understanding, resources, or the things that I can see? Will I allow my frustrations, insecurities and fears to take the wheel? Will I allow my circumstances to dictate my attitude and my tone for the day?

I hate waking up in a bad mood, and that definitely happened this morning. I think it was a combination of lack of adequate sleep, not being able to turn my brain off, circumstances, etc that did it.

It's definitely not how I want to start the day. I want to listen to Paul when he says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
-Phil 4:5-7

To rejoice in the Lord, in the Gospel, in reconciliation. Not that I'm going to ignore my frustrations/problems or try to brush them under the rug, but that I choose to find joy and validity in God - rather than finding those things from other people, relationships, my job, money, or other circumstances. That I won't allow those struggles to define me or take over, but that I'll surrender them to God and trust that no matter how things turn out, He is at work and He is good. Even when things seem chaotic and I just can't make sense of a situation. This is not easy, but I think it's what we're called to do.

And I might have to clarify the difference between joy/rejoicing and happiness. Happiness is more of a superficial high and is a result of when things are going the way I want them to. Joy is deeper . . . joy can resonate within me as a result of knowing the Gospel and my status with God, even when I am unhappy, when my circumstances are not what I want them to be, even when I'm wrestling through something with God.

overgrowth

2011-09-11T15:01:00.003-04:00

This used to only be one bush. And it used to look attractive (promise).

There are certain things that come along with home-ownership . . . like not being able to call the maintenance man to change a lightbulb (in my defense, it was too high to reach), having to change one's own air filters (which reminds me . . .) and then a little bit of "garden" work you could say.

The people who lived here before me planted a few bushes and flowers behind the patio. It looked really good when I first bought the house. Buuuuut do I know anything about maintaining plants? Absolutely not. Do I want to know anything about maintaining plants? Only if it is extremely necessary. Hence, my patio now has a mutant colony growing through the bushes.

Shortly after I moved, my dad came over and showed me which plants were weeds, how to get rid of them, etc. I even bought a hose to water the flowers.

I've seen that hose . . . maybe twice. I mean, it keeps raining, so I'm good, right?

Well, if I would have kept an eye out and picked weeds on a regular basis, you would actually see something aesthetically pleasing when you sat on the patio. But now it's the little shop of horrors.

What happens is, I'll be sitting out on the patio and notice this and think, hmmm - I should do something about that. Then I get distracted because I have to go to the gym or make an appointment or return an email or learn a new Nicki Minaj song.

So . . . the next thing you know, there's a monster living behind my patio.

I thought about it today (while still not doing anything about it . . . I mean, I'm going to have to buy gardening gloves before I can tackle that junk) . . . and how it resembles the state of my heart.

Whenever I let some behavior, attitude, sin pattern unchecked (and fail to "prune" my heart), it slowly develops over time. One day, the garden (I know I don't have a garden, but let's just call it that for now) looks gorgeous and manicured. Two days later, a few weeds appear but they're harmless . . . plus, I've got other things to tend to. Two weeks later, that sin has completely ravaged my heart and taken over.

I allow life's distractions (those little things I think are so urgent) to take over and keep me from maintaining my heart where it belongs. Until enough time passes for it to cause more of an effect than I realized it would.

Just a random thought from today . . . maybe I'll remember to buy gardening gloves one day . . . or just wait for winter to come and take it out . . . survival of the fittest, right?

In Regards To Myself

2011-09-03T09:32:00.004-04:00

(I am listening to Underoath right now, which inspired the title of this post)

Learning things the hard way . . . or (re)learning that life is a process - a life-long process.

I have found myself asking God to give me patience, the capacity to trust Him with my life, contentment, etc. And you know what? I've discovered that I sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) expect these prayers to be answered by a revelation, or a single moment in which, I'll wake up transformed from the girl I am now into the most patient, trusting, peaceful person ever.

Then I get frustrated and impatient because I'm not changing fast enough, or God isn't magically transforming me overnight. Then I realize this, and have to laugh at myself.

I'm glad He doesn't answer prayers or behave in a way that I always expect Him to . . . because He is so much bigger than my perceptions of Him. I still have so much to learn about His character and His ways.

Paul, in Philippians, writes:

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
-Phil 4:11-13

Notice that he says he's learned to be content . . . not that he was born with this ability or magically became that way overnight. Having learned something is a process . . .

I was listening to one of JD's sermons on this passage last week and it was really encouraging just to be reminded that God uses our struggles and our failures to teach us, refine us, to build character and to bring us closer to Him.

I am finding that the frustrations and struggles that I'm walking through are the answer to my prayers for patience and for the ability to trust God. I can't become patient overnight (that would be ironic) . . . I have to process it over time and through a trial. How else can I learn these things if I don't have to work through them?

Honestly, the times in my life where I've had to work through a process and really wrestle with something are the times where I've grown and learned the most. And those are the times where God has reminded me of His immense patience and faithfulness . . . thank goodness He's more patient with me than I am with myself.

what the what

2011-08-28T10:54:00.005-04:00

I'm just gonna throw it out there . . . I think that Christians are terrible at dating.

Ok, ok . . . maybe it's just me, maybe not all Christians are bad at dating . . . but I sure feel like the Bible is clear about certain topics (morality, marriage, child raising, salvation . . .) but we're left in the dark when it comes to dating.

Maybe it's because I'm looking for a list of rules or a certain protocol to follow (going back to my legalistic/type A sinful tendencies, whoops) and it's just not there.

Also, we (or, again, maybe just me) gravitate towards taking it a little too seriously. There's truly nothing wrong with getting to know someone through dating. Just because we hang out doesn't mean that there are wedding bells in the future. For the longest time, I've waited for the perfect person to drop in front of my face before I would even consider the idea of dating. Part of my problem is that I don't want to take a risk . . . I want to know that a potential relationship will be safe, or will definitely lead to something before I even will get to know the guy. It sounds crazy, right?

It goes back to trusting God . . . trusting that He is going to lead me where I need to be, even if the road is more winding, broken and rockier than I'd prefer. I want everything to be spelled out before I even begin the journey. I want a safe, predictable, easy path. Well, life doesn't work that way . . . and it's actually better that it doesn't. How boring is predictability? How would I ever learn anything if I didn't have to rely on God or take a step out in faith? Without struggle, how can we truly grow?

Sometimes I wish that I could wake up and magically be more patient or at peace with my circumstances. But these things take time . . . you don't learn a life lesson overnight, or even in a week (most of the time).

If I believe that the Gospel is true, and that God is who He says He is . . . then I know His character. I know that He is all I need for everlasting joy. Regardless of my circumstances. I know that He loves me regardless of what I've done or what I will do in the future . . . and that He has a loving control over my life, where He is working all things (even my sins, mistakes, and all the bad things) together for good. That means that He'll provide for my every need. He disciplines me to teach me patience, how to trust, how to deeply depend on Him every day. . .

But how does dating fit into this? I just feel like dating is so silly, and that it's unimportant. It's not like I'm dealing with a huge problem, a terminal illness, injustice, etc.

Sometimes I feel like God cares about the big issues, but silly little things like this, I'm left to figure out on my own.

But that doesn't make any sense, does it? Scripture says that He is our Father and that He loves us more than our earthly fathers can, and that He'll give us everything we need to have life to the full. So, that must mean that He loves us holistically and cares about every area of our lives . . .

To think that God doesn't care about this would take away from His character and His love.

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around this.

Again, life lessons take time to process . . . and I can tell that I'm going to wrestle with this one for a bit.

2011-08-26T23:20:00.004-04:00

Source: None via Kimberly on Pinterest

right thru me

2011-08-18T09:42:00.004-04:00

You see right through me . . .

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
-"Am I Understood" - Relient K

Sometimes I just need to rest in the knowledge of the Gospel.

Also that God knows me better than I know myself, and He is the only one who loves me unconditionally, the only one who understands me completely . . . the only one who can see right through me and still pursues me to no end.
That Jesus is the only one who offers soul security and that level of intimacy that I crave.

And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”
-Deuteronomy 31:8

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
-Psalm 139:1-12

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:18-29

deuces

2011-08-02T00:15:00.004-04:00

Oh, hello old friend. Here I am again, wrestling with you once more.

I find myself back in this struggle where I get frustrated because people don't respond to me or act the way I'd like them to. I must remember that people are messy and imperfect (and I'm one of them!) and they were never meant to meet the deepest needs of my soul.

While I know this and must return to this truth again, there's a difference between expecting someone to be perfect vs. desiring someone to be a good friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, role model, family member, etc. Does that make sense? I don't want to settle, but I also cannot expect perfection. There's a balance, I just don't know exactly what that looks like. I guess that's why God put friends and counsel in my life, to see outside of my cray cray thoughts and speak into my life.

So I get frustrated with people and choose to have a "whatever" attitude, listening to songs by Nicki Minaj, Pink, Beyonce, Ke$ha and Mariah as a defense mechanism . . . but then God reminds me that if He extended such grace and patience to me, how can I deny others of this love and generosity? Then I start to get back to where I need to be . . .

Aaaaanyway, that's only a part of what I wanted to get out of my system.

In light of eternity, nothing else seems to matter. Seriously. If the Bible is true, if there really is a heaven and hell and if God spared His son to bring us into His kingdom . . . and if one day we get to spend eternity with him, what can really touch us?

If you set your mind on the eternal, the struggles of this life seem so trivial and fleeting. Yes, you're going to have pain and plenty of trials, but Christ is walking with you through those things, and they can only do so much damage.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

this song is in my head right now and I lurve it

2011-07-25T22:01:00.008-04:00

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand,
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
-----------------

My small group is reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now. One excerpt from this week's chapter was very challenging (well, the whole book is challenging, which is one of the reasons that I love it) . . . a quote from John Piper, and I'm going to post it:

The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?

John Piper, from God Is The Gospel

Can we seriously consider this question?

Am I honestly so in love with Christ that I am secure in Him alone, not in anything of this world, or of the blessings he graciously shows me daily?

I want to only fall more deeply in love with him as time passes, and for my life to shout of worship . . . I want to be completely enamored and fulfilled in Him alone.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2

Anchors away

2011-07-19T21:02:00.003-04:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
-1 James 1:2-5

So many things in this life are uncertain. Just think about it.

Especially when it comes to people. and the future.

Whether it's a friendship, friend groups, relationships, current circumstances or stage of life, wherever you are right now - nothing is guaranteed, and things seem to constantly shift. Even if you fight against it.

I hate the pain of rejection - but then again, who really doesn't? I'm one of those people that wants everyone to get along all of the time and wishes everyone could be BFF's . . . my sister told me that I'm a pacifist, and I think she's right.

Anyway, I was thinking about the uncertainty in relationships and the fear that accompanies vulnerability . . . in addition to the fear that latches itself onto the relationships that you have with friends and family - what if this person moves, what is something disastrous happens to them, etc. etc. (ultimately the fear of losing loved ones, or the fear of being hurt by them)

J.D. preached an awesome sermon on fear a few weeks ago, and it came to mind.

It's times like these, when these fears or insecurities threaten to jar my spirit that God reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.

Even if I am rejected, disliked, hurt by those from whom I crave relationship, my ultimate security and validation is not found in people. It doesn't change the fact that these things still hurt and still upset me, but I am reminded that my God will never let me go. That I am secure in His grasp, even if others turn away from me.

He has promised to never leave or forsake us, and when God makes a promise, He keeps it. God is not fickle, He is just, true and holy. Scripture even says that it is impossible for Him to lie, and that our hope is anchored in Him. (Hebrews 6:17-20)

Nothing can separate us from His love . . . He is immensely faithful and remains the same, when I am all over the charts, emotional, and doubtful.

People will ultimately disappoint us in some way or fashion - we're human, after all. We weren't meant to find lasting satisfaction, joy or fulfillment in anything or anyone other than God - no human can fulfill your soul's longings. I promise that if you get to know me, I will disappoint you too. I hate to admit it, but I'm just not perfect ;).

If I am anchored to God and His word, then I won't be as devastated by the things of this world that let me down or don't work out the way I want them to.

If I am secure in His love, then I won't rely on a friend, family member, or spouse's love to be perfect. I can in return love more fully, forgive more fully and have a generous spirit if I truly grasp the Gospel.

Like I mentioned before, it still hurts to be let down or rejected, but you know what? Romans 8:28 says that God is working everything together for our good, and I believe that. God works through painful circumstances daily to bring us closer to Him and to reveal Himself. It's called sanctification. In the pain of our struggles and trials, God is working a greater purpose.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:38-39

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands . . .
-Isaiah 49:15-16

stars

2011-07-14T21:36:00.005-04:00

It has been way too long since I've posted . . . so this may not be very eloquent.

One of my best friends from college who I don't get to see too often came to visit today. I love hanging out with her. It's always amusing how we can stand each other because we are basically opposites.

Anyhow, as expected, we got to reminiscing about college and we were looking through pictures (we took more pictures than normal people, I'm sure), videos, etc. of those years. It's always a little bittersweet because I still miss those days. I miss the friendships I had in college, I miss the tight community that only the college environment and groups like InterVarsity can provide. I miss random trips to the beach at 10pm (and later), having energy at late late hours, crazy roommates (and random escapades like ER visits near midnight), small group, retreats, road trips to see favorite bands, and basically everything except the schoolwork . . .

I wish that I could have that kind of community now, but life is just different and community is different once you're removed from the college atmosphere. I think that I also found comfort, security and validation in the relationships I had in college, and I want to find that again. I know that humans are not meant to give that kind of validation to other humans, that's a void only God can fill. It was just easy during those years to allow other people to give me that secure feeling, if that makes sense.

I was reading Psalm 139 today, and was just reminded of this . . . we long to be known and loved, and how God fulfills both of those needs perfectly. I want to look to Him for my soul's longing this way.

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139:1-18

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same
I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my lucks washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself
"Stars" Switchfoot

2011-05-26T08:36:00.004-04:00

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly . . . God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:6,8

Sometimes our struggles or anxieties will not just go away . . . frustration can't be cured by blaring Linkin Park or a really good workout session (although sometimes it really helps). Sometimes depression and anxiety seep into your bones and start to eat away like acid at your spirit, if you let it get that far. It's not going to heal by slapping a band-aid over it, it's not going to dissolve in your sleep. Giving me a pat answer ("it's going to be OK") or a verse out of context will probably make it worse.

That's when I truly need the Gospel (OK, I need it all the time, but especially right now). I need the truth of God's word to saturate my being and remind me of who He is.

Do I believe that He is who He says He is? Do I believe that He will provide for me, because He's the God of my salvation? Do I believe that He loves me enough to not only rescue me from death, but that He'll rescue me from myself right now? Do I believe that He's bigger than my worst fears, my own emotion and the sin that I struggle with? Do I choose to depend on Him daily?

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3:17-19

Do I believe the Jesus of the Bible? That His days were spent healing the lame, the sick, the blind and spending time with prostitutes, tax collectors and outcasts? If so, then do I identify with these people? Surely He is compassionate over me in the same way because I am the crippled, the poor, the needy. I am the rebellious sinner. I was dead in my sin, without God and without hope - and He did everything necessary to save me. I am broken by my own sinfulness, crippled by these anxieties that I have allowed to take over and define me.

Will I look to Him to heal these areas of my life and soothe this pain? Will I trust Him with my life and look to Him for everything? Do I trust that He is enough, even in the wilderness and if things don't work out the way I want them to, that it will still be alright because He is with me?

Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him
-Psalm 103:1-13

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30

Sick Cycle Carousel

2011-05-24T20:09:00.005-04:00

Random thought . . . you never realize how much you use a muscle group until you're sore the next day from doing an ab workout . . . it's like really? I'm feeling this while driving down 540? aaanyway . . .

I don't know if anxiety is just my own sin manifesting itself, satan's advances on my life, or a combination of both.

If you can predict a pattern of behavior by past experience, then why do I struggle with doubting God's character and how He will act in my life?

I fall into this cycle where I paint the worst possible scenario for my life. I blow things out of proportion and predict what will happen today, tomorrow, years down the road - when in reality, only God knows what lies ahead.

God has never given me more than I could handle (often times it's painful and a struggle, but it never killed me). He has always provided for me, even when things looked bleak with no hope. He has blessed me in ways that I never could have expected or asked for. So why do I freak out so much and struggle with anxiety? Is it a lack of trust? Is worry just one of my weak spots?

Like I said . . . whatever the situation is that's causing me grief, I anticipate the absolute worst possible circumstance, then freak out about it. And you know what? Even those events that cause my stomach to knot in anticipation never turn out as bad as I think they will. Honestly, they never do. So why do I still fall into this cycle?

Shouldn't I look back and let God's faithfulness, presence and provision give me confidence for the future?

I also find it incredibly easy to focus on the negatives and forget the positives. Every flaw or mistake I find in myself, I magnify it and let it define me. I allow my shortcomings to negate anything positive.

If only I could grasp the Gospel more deeply. If I could just see the cross with my own eyes, I would better realize that Christ died for broken sinners who don't have their junk together. God created me and loved me before I could even form rational thoughts. That I could truly understand that I have a Father who loves and wants to care for fallen, messy, frazzled, anxious, needy humans who plague themselves with silly things like guilt and a full spectrum of emotions. That He would have paid that price regardless of how many mistakes I make or how often I flog myself with negativity. That His grace and his love reach deeper than I will ever understand . . . and suddenly I could realize that I am accepted and that we all have struggles and flaws . . . and God wants to not only redeem us, but wants to work through imperfect people.

Fed to the fire

2011-05-22T10:09:00.002-04:00

Transitions are overwhelming! Sometimes life seems to happen all at once and before you know it, walls start closing in.

I didn't realize how busy moving/unpacking/getting organized would be . . . Target has also become my second home, and I've never been so excited to buy a trash can in my life. I have been swimming in a sea of paint chips, and it totally consumed me until I finally picked (I think) colors that will work on the walls. I also didn't think about all of the things I now need . . . a garden hose, of all things - and flowers? You mean I have to prevent those plants around the house from dying? yeeeah, about that . . .

I feel like in the midst of transition, everything else takes a backseat. When you're trying to adjust to a new situation, it consumes you . . . and even though it's temporary, it's a little distressing.

I feel like my time in the Word is suffering because, well, I thought I had a hard time focusing before . . . but now, I sit down and immediately remember 10 people that I need to email, cookware that I want to buy, let me search for an area rug, oooh loft is having a sale, how can I organize my closet, when will I get this paint on the walls, I need to write up a lease, it's time to clean the kitchen again, I need to get my car inspected, I want more candles, why does my shower door make that god awful noise (seriously, someone help), oh my laundry is done - dang it, I gotta climb those steps again and my hamstrings are burning from yesterday's bodypump class . . . which reminds me, I need to go to the gym today, my grandma's birthday is tuesday so I should send her a card, oh I need to clean the kitchen. Did I mention the kitchen needs attention?

YEAH. I feel like ADHD on crack. And then I'm in a bad mood because I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day and I haven't even spent time with God this morning.

And then I think . . . look at the calendar. I have a test to study for, I've got to figure out the paint situation, I have to go to a meeting for work, trips out of town, weekly obligations, etc. etc. etc.

How can I balance life right now? I feel like my coping mechanisms have been blaring Nicki Minaj and drinking iced coffee while running around this town doing a million errands (but then the coffee keeps me from sleeping well at night, another stressor) . . . yeah.

How can I be a good nurse, a good friend, a good roommate, a good daughter, a good small group leader, and be growing in my walk with God . . . and still maintain personal obligations and appointments, not to mention a clean house, a healthy diet, a healthy workout regimen, and mental sanity? How can I do all of these things well? I feel stretched in a plethora of directions - and I'm just a single woman in my 20's.

If I feel this crazy when I'm only responsible for myself, how in the world can I ever function in a relationship, or a marriage, or a family? If I am this overwhelmed now and I don't know how to balance responsibility and health now, how can I ever take on more or survive in a different stage of life?

Logically, rationally, I know that God does not give us more than we can handle. In my head, I know He will give me grace to handle whatever comes my way. But this present moment is a whirlwind and the thought of the future is threatening to knock me off my feet. My mood is waning and my heart feels faint. I don't want my circumstances to dictate my mood and steal my joy, but that's how I feel - so I might as well be honest about it.

Everything inside me tells me that once I clean, organize and decorate this house, and knock out my to-do list I'll be normal again. But I know that if I could just focus enough to spend time with God, my soul would find rest once again.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
-1 Peter 5:6-10

Rolling In The Deep

2011-05-09T22:49:00.007-04:00

Sometimes life hits you like a gale force wind straight in the face.

One day, you're straight up chillin' in a green pasture, bored or attempting to be patient with your circumstances . . . and then everything is flipped the next day.

Isn't it funny how not just one thing changes, but almost everything at once? The future freaks me out a little, especially when I can't make out the horizon.

Especially when past mistakes and past experiences haunt this present moment.

I find myself faced with two options when faced with the uncertainty of the future.

I can either allow the fear of failure to take control and paralyze me from moving forward, or I can choose to (very shakily) take a step out in faith (with my eyes squinched closed and teeth clenched) . . .

It's not the absence of fear, but choosing to take action in spite of my fear.

It's making a conscious choice . . . yes, I may make a mistake (and most likely will - I suppose I'm human after all). Looking at a risk and weighing the possibilities. Do I take a chance, knowing the probability of failure, or do I stay static and miss out on life?

Yes, I may very well fall flat on my face and be shattered to pieces. But it's trusting that no matter what tomorrow brings, I am walking with a God who is immensely faithful and has me within His tender loving care. Knowing that no matter what the future holds, it will be OK because He'll give me the grace to handle it. Even when things don't work out.

That He is who He says He is . . . that I can trust Him with my life, that His love will never fail, that He never expects me to be perfect or have it all together - even when I put that pressure on myself.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39


And this is how I choose to live,
As if I'm jumping off a cliff,
Knowing that you'll save me,
Knowing that you'll save me.
And after all the stupid things I did,
There's nothing left there to forgive,
Because you already forgave me.

Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling.
Trust the one Who never fails.
I know you will never fail me.
"Life After Death And Taxes" - Relient K

Aftermath

2011-04-24T08:44:00.004-04:00

Can I be honest?

It is far too easy to just coast through life. Too easy to get caught in the day-to-day tedium, to let the little things take over and become urgent.

I woke up this morning, and thought two things:
1. Thank you God that you died on the cross, and
2. I need to lose weight.

Do you know what I gave more stress and emotion to? I don't want to answer that . . .

How scary, that the fleeting things of this world can take over so quickly, when the Gospel is of utmost importance and there is nothing more precious than a relationship with Him.

I want to be captivated, so swept up in the beauty of the Gospel and the beauty of the cross that everything else fades . . . and I give more weight to my relationship with God than my relationship with the scale (and other silly things).

The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me

In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath

Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me

In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath

And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way

Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath
"Aftermath" - Hillsong

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith . . .
-Philippians 3:7-9

But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
-Isaiah 53:5

2011-04-23T15:41:00.003-04:00

I came to a realization . . . or an awakening the other day, and it wasn't pretty.

I have been going through the motions lately in a few areas of my life. Now, when did that happen? I feel like we arrive at these places, only to look around and wonder when the transition from intentionality to complacency transpired.

Intentional. Purposeful. That's how my life should be, yet sometimes I find myself in this rut and can't remember how I got here.

I don't know another word for intentionality, so I'm going to use it over and over . . . isn't it funny how much it can make a difference?

Intentionality can make or break - almost anything. Think of your relationships, your small group, your job, your house, etc. etc.

Chances are, your friendships and relationships did not just happen by accident. Both parties put in some kind of effort to maintain that relationship, and if you work at it, it can be wonderful, ever evolving and growing.

If you were going on a date, would you prefer to have someone who is thoughtful and paid careful attention to detail beforehand - choosing a restaurant he knows you like, dressing to a T, greeting you with flowers? Or, would you rather go out with someone who just "showed up" to a McDonald's and didn't think to brush his teeth or shave (or change clothes from the night before)? And then expected you to pay?

My walk with Christ can be ever evolving, changing, growing for the better. If I choose it to be that way.

My small group can be dynamic, growing, changing, challenging - if I choose to lead that way. Or, I could just show up (like I feel that I have been lately) and just go through the motions . . . and let things stay static.

I believe that intentionality improves everything, but it is definitely the harder road. It is so easy to just float through life and let your feelings, desires, emotions, fears, etc. take over.

The problem with intentionality is that it takes conscious effort, time, dedication and planning. In the ideal situation it is also selfless, giving, and challenging.

Have I become so focused on my own comfort or fear of failure that I have let go of being intentional?

Clarity for 0.125 seconds

2011-04-16T09:43:00.006-04:00

I am chronically guilty of . . . comparing myself to other people.

As one of my friends pointed out last week, comparing yourself to others can be a joy killer.

I know it's true, yet I still fall into the trap of this cycle way too easily.

Sometimes, I am right where I need to be. I'm not worried about the future, I'm trusting God with it and focusing on the present moment. I'm reflective and thankful for where I am, for what God has given me in provision - meeting my spiritual and physical needs. My soul feels content and secure.

And then, I go and mess it up . . .

There will always be someone who has a better personality than me, someone who is prettier than me, more talented, more successful, funnier, smarter, stronger, bolder, more spiritual, more mature, someone who has the things I think I need but don't have, someone who eats whatever they want, doesn't work out and still manages to look like this . . . I could go on and on . . .

Then I find myself feeling like a failure, hopeless . . . that I will never obtain the things I want (or think that I need). I must be missing out - I am way behind in life. I must be doing something terribly wrong because I see other people my age way ahead of me . . .

Sometimes it's easy to forget that God is working in each of us, and sometimes our pace is different than our friends or whoever we're comparing ourselves to. Sometimes it's easy to overlook God's provision and work in our lives because we're too busy looking around and coveting what everybody else has, or where they are in life.

I get so frustrated at myself for struggling with the same things over and over. I get so aggravated for struggling with contentment so frequently. But you know what? We are supposed to depend on God daily . . . it's not a one-time transaction and we're left to wander around our whole lives self-sufficient. We are brought into this beautiful relationship where we can call Him "Abba", Daddy - every day [Luke 11:1-11] . . . we are to pour out everything to Him - to trust in Him and wait on His timing . . . [1 Peter 5:6-7]

My struggles, my weaknesses are actually a blessing because they allow me to depend on Him, rather than myself. My imperfections glorify Him . . . when I lean on Him instead of striving to be self-sufficient.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And every now and then I have a moment of clarity where I realize that maybe I wasn't built to crank out push-ups every morning . . . maybe my size is OK and maybe it's healthy to have more than 5% body fat and I should just let that dream go . . . . nahhhh.

Closer To The Sun

2011-02-21T09:43:00.004-05:00

Change is such a funny thing.

Sometimes we hate change . . . but it can also be exciting.

Sometimes we get too comfortable in our current circumstances and start to think things will always be the same (guilty as charged) - oftentimes that can be a comfort, but it can also be drudgery. I think it's good to get outside of our comfort zones - how else will be know what we're capable of, or what God has for us if we are too afraid or complacent to step out of them? I am a fan of challenge and progression.

Unexpected change . . . life throwing you a curve ball . . . can be blessing in disguise.

I don't remember the first time I heard this quote, but it just came to mind:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
-Charles Swindoll

It reminds me that there's a difference between reaction vs. action in life . . .

My natural reaction at times is to allow fear and my silly predictions of the future take control. On the opposite end of that, I can take action and choose to trust God with my future and choose to seek Him daily . . . I can do all that's within my power in my current circumstances and leave the rest to Him. And I can stop freaking out about the future.

Trust is a funny thing. When we choose to trust God, our worries start to melt and lose power over us. However, it is extraordinarily difficult. So often I try to rely on myself and I allow what I can see in the present dictate what I project will happen in the future.

And you know what I've discovered? God's plans are so much better than anything I could come up with on my own. Whenever I let go of my sense of control and let Him have the reins, I am always amazed at the outcome. (I guess He really does know what He's doing - why am I surprised?)

I laugh at myself for being so afraid to trust God. But I am perpetually guilty of withholding that trust . . . guilty of not believing that God will take care of me better than I could ever do on my own. Who I am kidding - if God is who He says He is, I have absolutely no excuse to not fully rely on Him with every breath and aspect of life.

Another action we can take is to be thankful. When you stop and realize all that God has given you in salvation it will blow your mind. Then add to that His provision over your life. It's too easy to focus on the things that we don't have and to compare ourselves to others. That's why it's so important to add thankfulness as a way to daily surrender.

Aaaaanyway, that's just my two cents for today. I was inspired by this devotion I've been working on and how important it is to make a daily choice to trust and be thankful. I have by no means mastered this, and I am more often a hot mess than anything else . . . and again I am just reminded of God's faithfulness throughout my crazy, ADD-esque life.

As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving.
Colossians 2:6-7

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us . . .
Ephesians 3:16-20

2011-02-10T11:36:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real
Your love is real

You got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you got the love I need to see me through

"You've Got The Love" - Florence + The Machine

enough

2011-02-06T12:02:00.003-05:00

I'm done with winter.

It's not just the cold, but the lack of sunlight that slowly wears away at my soul.

Last weekend it was sunny and in the 70's . . . and I felt like I could die happy - all of my cares just evaporated when I stepped outside.

I don't want my circumstances to dictate the state of my spirit - but not only does the temperature outside tell me it's winter, but this season of my life feels like a winter as well.

Do you see what it does to me? It makes me extra dramatic.

Anyway, I'm just praying that this month will fly and that I can put things into perspective instead of dwelling on being stuck in a rut right now. I guess I'm human after all. It's times like these that I know joy runs deeper than happiness or my circumstances, and I'm thankful that there's more to life than my limited human understanding of it.

O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches.
Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8

Pardon Me

2011-01-25T11:21:00.008-05:00

. . . for sounding like a broken record.

I find myself learning the same lessons over again, and I almost feel that therefore I am not making progress, but I'm human after all . . . God is patient with this impatient child, and I need some reinforcement in my life.

I intentionally took time off from work this week to rest . . . but ironically, I am horrible at resting. I thrive on busyness and tend to gain self-worth from my schedule. I panicked at this week's empty schedule and started filling it as fast as I could . . . then spent all day yesterday cleaning, running errands, working out, out of guilt for having a day off.

This is totally counter-productive. I took time off of work so that I'd come back refreshed and rested. If I spend this week feeling guilty and frantically trying to keep myself occupied, I will come back to work feeling exhausted or as if I'd never taken the time off to begin with.

I guess you could say I had an intervention from the girls in my small group last night - they insisted that I take time to shut down and truly get away, even if I am staying in the area.

I know they're right . . . and I do want to actually take a vacation. I'm just really bad at it, unless I do something intentional - so I'm working on that. Isn't that ironic? That I have to work at resting because it doesn't come naturally?

Part of it may also be that busyness is a distraction. If I'm too busy to sit still, then I'm too busy to think about the things in my life that I'm unhappy about or don't understand. I'm also too busy to get bored. Clearly I cannot handle being bored, let alone sitting still. If I'm too busy to sit still, then I'm too busy to become occupied with my impatience.

Lately I've been caught up again, feeling that my future is going nowhere, that things will never change, and that it's all my fault. I've been scheming and predicting the future, and my predictions never look too hot. I've been under the hallucination that I'm in complete control, and my circumstances are the result of my own rebellion, mistakes and foolishness. Therefore, I get frazzled, stressed, anxious.

Well . . . let's face it. God is a God of peace, not disorder (1 Cor. 14:33)
and He wants all of me, even for my thoughts to be in His loving care (2 Cor. 10:5).

When I'm freaking out and allowing fear to paralyze me, I'm disregarding God's character. I'm forgetting that He is in complete control, even when I cannot see what He's doing. I am not surrendering my thoughts to Him. I am forgetting His promise, I am forgetting what the Gospel is all about. That He will never leave nor forsake me - He made a covenant with me, and it's on lock. Going back to the last post - He works all things together for good, and nothing will be able to separate me from His love (Romans 8:28-39), not even my perceptions of my circumstances or my perceptions of Him.

Anxiety and worry, especially about the future stems from unbelief. Satan will use any foothold he can grab, and all too often I find myself in these cycles for too long before I realize what's happened.

It's not my job to worry about the future (Matthew 6:33). My job is to live a life that is fully dependent on Him.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

When I think that the future, or the straightness of my paths, is within my realm of control, I'm giving myself too much credit.

If God is who He says He is, then He's calling us to live a life of peace. A life where we depend on and lean on Him - even when we don't understand, even when we're impatient, even when things aren't working out the way we thought and hoped they would.

Wouldn't it be so much easier to live this way? To trust, as He's calling us to, that He is in complete loving control, and that He uses all things for His plans over our lives? Instead of allowing ourselves to be paralyzed by fear, to walk in faith, even when our steps our shaky, knowing that He's gone before us and will always be with us?

Not depending on my own ability to see, my attempts at predicting the future, my fickle emotions that can change with the drop of a hat?

I cannot see into the future, even though I sure try a lot. I am not called to worry about tomorrow, this week, this year, or even the next 10 years.

What I can do is choose to live today. To take this day and acknowledge Him. To let go of my anxiety and false sense of control. To surrender. To trust, to rest, to deny myself daily. To remember God's character and promises.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.
-Psalm 62:5-8

I don't care

2011-01-22T10:23:00.004-05:00

Sometimes . . . I just need to be human.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I mean . . . all I want is to be the perfect Christ follower, to volunteer and be on mission 100% of the time, be the perfect employee, the perfect friend, perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect roommate, always be happy, eat healthy 100% of the time and have a sculpted body with 0% body fat (and never desire unhealthy food). Oh and to always look cute.

Then I have these groundbreaking moments where I realize that I've put all of this pressure on myself with silly, unrealistic expectations that I will be this amazing robot/angel woman or something.

You mean it's OK to get angry sometimes? You mean it's OK to be disappointed with life? You mean it's OK to make mistakes? It's OK if I get frustrated with people? It's OK to eat something other than spinach every meal of the day?

whaaaaaaaat . . .

Thankfully, even when I am frustrated at life and/or myself, when all I want is to run until I can't breathe, when I just want to throw things and scream, there is someone who calls me adopted - someone who wants to calm my frayed nerves with His presence.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:37-39

This passage is one of my all-time favorites, one that I come back to often.

Today, be mindful of this. That nothing can separate us from His love.

When I hate myself, when I am sick and tired of it all . . . while I expect myself to be absolutely flawless, He never does. He called me to Himself when I was dead, when I had no idea who He was. He called me to Himself before there was any heart change in me. After all, He came to seek and save the lost - not shiny diamond robot girls.
(Ephesians 2, Luke 19:9-10, Matthew 9:12)

His love is like a balm to my splintered spirit - He alone can revive this exasperated soul.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:6-8

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30

Raise your glass

2010-12-30T21:34:00.003-05:00

I said this a few posts ago, but it is so good to pause and reflect.

The past month has been insane, but especially the past week has been a tornado - with Christmas, crazy work schedule, driving in snow and ice, etc. etc.

I came down with a gnarly head cold at the tail end of this, and so my first day off of work this week I did nothing but sit on the couch, watch My Fair Wedding with David Tutera (new season starts on Sunday!! get excited), made a huge pot of minestrone, and then had a few surprise visits from friends. It was amazing, especially since I normally cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes, and that's on a good day.

All of this to say, I took another moment to look back on 2010 and see the growth, changes and amazing things that I've seen from God.

Years ago I started writing a letter to myself at the end of each year - sort of a recap of the year, as well as a prediction of where I'd be in a years time, as well as I what I was hoping for in the coming year.

I wrote one this month, and it really does some good to look back over the past year. It reminds me to count my blessings, to see growth, and it reminds me of God's insane faithfulness.

I sat down and read a few of the letters from 2006, 2007 and 2008 . . . and they are hilarious. All I really wanted to accomplish in 2007 was to go to another AFI show and get another tattoo. How's that for priority? Love it.

And then I think . . . if I've come this far in the last 4 years, how amazing will it be to look back on this night in 4 years' time?

Have you ever written a letter to yourself? There's even a website to do it . . . FutureMe.org, where you can have it emailed to yourself in ____ amount of time. And it's legit.

Whether you do it on paper or email, it really helps you to see how much changes and how much you grow over time, more than you tend to realize.

So here's to 2011 . . . another crazy amazing year, whatever comes our way.

Drive

2010-12-11T15:27:00.007-05:00

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer . . .
"Drive" - Incubus

First off, shout out to http://kateelizabethconner.com for encouragement and inspiration that is much needed!

It's funny how easily I let my fears drive me, instead of being content and resting in the peace of Christ.

After all, this is supposed to be the season for peace, is it not?

Instead, I let my distractions and busy schedule steal me away from meditating on the character of God and His promises in the Gospel. Upon waking this morning, I hit the ground running - errands, laundry, baking up to my eyeballs (I never want to see another m&m or Christmas sprinkle again), and cooking food to last me through the week . . . paired with dwelling on my fears and guilt makes for a lousy saturday afternoon.

I finally sat down from mental exhaustion and my aching back - and, as inspired by Kate's post this past wednesday, started to write out what specific stresses and fears have been plaguing me lately.

As I find it true every time I stop to face whatever is ailing me, my problems all stem from (surprise surprise) unbelief . . . unbelief that God is who He says He is, that I am secure in His grasp, that He has given me every reason not to fear, that His Gospel is true.

It should come to no surprise that the first thing Satan said to Eve in the garden was conducive to this very unbelief - "Did God really say, 'You must not eat . . ." [Genesis 3:1]

I hear echoes of that conversation in my own life . . .

-Did God really say that He would provide for you?
-Did God really say not to fear, that He is with you and goes before you?
-Did God really say that you have been forgiven and reconciled?
-Did God really say that He works all things together for the good?
-Did God really say that He loves you?
-Did God really say that He is completely sovereign?

How can I battle this unbelief? It's simpler than I sometimes realize . . . by taking a moment to pause in His presence and lay my fears and failures at His feet. To take time to dwell in His word and trust that He is who He says He is. To rest in the Gospel and allow the peace of God to permeate my soul.

Lately, I've been freaking out about circumstances and the uncertainty of the future . . . and that I've sealed my fate because of my shortcomings.

But God reminds me . . . if He gave me what I needed most when I was dead in my sin - Himself, how can I fear that He would withhold anything from me? How can I doubt His character, His goodness, His sovereignty, His love?

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
-Romans 8:32

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:33-34

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
-Matthew 7:7-11

But above all, resting in the Gospel . . . in the peace that comes from being brought into relationship with God - and realizing that He has already given me what I need the most.

Bleeding Love

2010-12-06T13:31:00.007-05:00

Do you ever have those moments where . . . your parents are actually right about something? And you actually took a moment to listen and process what they're telling you?

It's a little surreal, isn't it?

Well, they recently confronted a subject that we've been in and out of dialogue about for years. In the past, I always just turned a deaf ear or immediately put up defense - but for some reason, I actually absorbed it this time.

Which led to some inward probing of my heart, my attitudes, my perspective . . . and consequently revealing of unchecked sin.

I have allowed walls of pride, bitterness and stereotype to build slowly over time - not fully aware of the repercussions of my attitudes. It was as if I were blinded to those walls, whilst stacking brick upon brick, fueled by fear, insecurity and misconceptions.

Then one day, you wake up and realize how closed off and cold you are.

Instead of facing my fears and embracing awkwardness, I flee from anything that makes me nervous, approaches vulnerability or threatens my pride.

This only causes me to become further calloused and enclosed, in a silly attempt to protect myself.

Over the past year, I have embraced many things that intimidated me or set my nerves on edge. And through those experiences, you learn and grow more than you may expect.

I want to continue to push myself, to face the fears, embrace vulnerability instead of shutting it down.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - -- Ambrose Redmoon

I have asked God to reveal the sin in my life, the things that I have been putting between Him & I.

Well, here it is staring me in the face - my pride, my fears, my flawed attitude.

Now that I have recognized this, it's time to take action. Thankfully, I am not in this alone. God promises to walk with me, guide me, provide for me, sanctify me.

I am learning that life is a process. You don't just wake up one day, having "arrived" and conquered everything. It takes time. Just like I didn't wake up one day able to run a 10K - it took time to prepare, build, train.

I wonder if that conversation between my parents and my ability to listen wasn't God's way of further sanctifying me and drawing me nearer to Himself.

I have been asking God to break me of my pride and bitterness . . . today a passage from Philippians came to mind. If Christ humbled Himself to live and die for the world, if He came to divide the wall of hostility between God and the world, then how can I not be affected? How will my heart also not be transformed to be more humble, open and gentle? If the first step is recognition of sin or acknowledgment of a problem, then it would seem the second step is confession and allowing God to transform my heart so that I can move forward. And trust Him that He will work through me, give me the courage and ability to move forward.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

-Philippians 2:1-13

I can't live . . .

2010-11-30T03:21:00.003-05:00

. . . if living is without you, ninja.

my food processor is called the ninja. And it has rocked my world.

It's dangerous business walking out your front door

2010-11-29T10:07:00.003-05:00

I was talking with some friends recently, who inspired me.

The idea of becoming more bold, and trying things that you were previously gun-shy of.

I realize that my immediate response to something that scares me, intimidates me or presents difficulty is "I hate it/that's stupid/I refuse to do that/I can't do that."

Anything that might make me vulnerable, I shut it down on instinct.

For example . . . I think I'll look silly doing yoga, I'm unfamiliar with it, I think it's not beneficial (without knowing much about it) so that automatically makes it stupid and on the list of things that I will not do.

Well, 1 month later and I'm glad that I tried something new. And who knew that you could get a stronger core and work on your strength training while doing yoga? I'm hooked now.

I can also be very hesitant about taking on new challenges or responsibility at work (or anywhere for that matter) because it's intimidating. But once I do it, I come away having learned something new, expanding my borders, gaining confidence along the way.

I should try more things that scare me more often. There is so much to learn from trying something that you may have shut down before. It's so easy to have preconceived notions or expectations, fears that will all come falling down once you face whatever that thing is.

This process teaches so much about life, about yourself, humbles you and changes you for the better. It's still scary, but I just pray for the courage . . . courage in the face of my fears, however silly they seem.

I don't want to live in a world that is shut in, rigidly enclosed by my walls of self-defense and insecurity.

I'm just thankful that being in your 20's is still relatively young . . . sometimes I look around and wonder how I got here. But I woke up this morning, thankful that each day is a new day . . . maybe it's not too late after all. Kind of like Scrooge when he wakes up at the end of A Christmas Carol, and he hasn't missed Christmas, or a second chance at embracing life.

in the dark

2010-11-28T08:19:00.004-05:00

I usually hate driving in the dark.

I remember driving from home to college in the dark and hating it . . . mostly because when I made that trip after the sun went down, I felt like I was never going to get there. I guess the absence of seeing trees, landmarks, signs, etc. makes it feel like you're just in a tunnel instead of on the interstate.

I was reminded of that last night. Our church parking lot is not well lit at all. For instance, walking back to my car, I couldn't really see 2 feet in front of my face. It was pitch black.

I could hear my heels clicking on the pavement and I could feel the wind in my face, yet it was reminiscent of driving on I-40 at night . . . it felt like I was again in a tunnel, or maybe worse, as if I were on a treadmill in the dark.

I could feel myself moving, but in that trance-like moment, unable to differentiate between expenditure of energy vs. actually getting closer to my car.

I think that life is like that sometimes. We can feel our muscles flexing, the wind in our face, the days passing by . . . but unable to differentiate between random movement and actual progress forward.

Slow down

2010-11-18T14:13:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you need to pause and reflect.

I thrive on a packed schedule. I love to be constantly in motion.

Living that way makes it easier for me to forget how God has worked in my life over the past year. It allows me to take things for granted and I'm so busy that I don't have time to stop and think.

It's so easy to look at my life and get stressed about the future. It's also very easy for me to get bored . . . whenever I do have a minute to breathe, I get bored or restless.

I am presumptuous enough to predict my future. As if I really know what's going to happen tomorrow. Yet, I am sure that 25 years from now, things will be exactly the same. I'm just betting on it. Yup, that's it. My circumstances are set in stone. Done.

It's so silly. And prideful.

It is a blessing to live day to day and to enjoy each moment as it comes. Yet how often do I do this? I also realize that I may never get this time back . . . so I should enjoy it. I want to enjoy this "pasture" of sorts and be attentive to what God is teaching me.

If I don't listen to God now, when will I? I assure you when things get busier I will likely be too caught up in my circumstances and life to be still. I might find myself in a whirlwind and wonder - why didn't I spend more time with God when I was more free?

As J.D. has said, God teaches and prepares us when we're in our "pasture." This time is not to be wasted, even though I feel like my pasture is eternal.

How can I enjoy it, learn in it, not waste it?

One way I think I'm being told to slow down is my knees.

You know . . . I am a firm believer that unless I am drenched in sweat and ready to collapse, I didn't get a good workout.

That viewpoint may be changing. My body is rebelling against me. I don't know if it was running, cycling, or lunges & squats that was the initial injury. But . . . even the elliptical can hurt now. I have got to be a little more sensible before I end up with knee replacements at age 40.

This could quickly turn into an exercise rant, so I will try to be concise. I have started doing yoga, and I love it. One of the things yoga teaches is to be patient, respect and listen to your body. (which does wonders to your diet habits as well) I have got to listen to it . . . I need to slow down and not feel like I have to run myself into the ground every time I cross the threshold of the gym.

I will also say . . . if you do power yoga or strengthening yoga, it can be very challenging. I never thought I could get such a workout from doing yoga . . . but it's changing my mind.

So . . . slow down. Take a mental health day. Take time to thank God for what He has blessed you with . . what He is teaching you, and how He is growing you. You have more than you realize! Reflect on what you do have. It is too easy to focus on what we don't have and become discontent.

free to fall

2010-11-18T14:04:00.003-05:00

I was jammin out in my car the other day when "fantasy" by Mariah Carey came on.

Can I say how much I love that song?

Songs like that and "Teenage dream" by Katy Perry remind me of falling in love.

Reminds me of how an ideal relationship could work . . . and those moments when you allow yourself to fall in love, let go of your inhibitions, holding nothing back . . .

I realize that's how I want to be with my Savior. I want to let it all go and fall recklessly in love with Him. I don't have to hold anything back from Him - He knows it all anyway. I truly am safe there . . . and I know that He will always be faithful and love me no matter how flawed, human and sinful I am. To rest knowing that He will never leave or abandon me. So I can be free to fall.

road trip what

2010-10-13T09:01:00.008-04:00

I like to live in Sarah world . . . where I'm a sweet, angelic nice person, seeking after God.

Enter family road trip.

Exit façade.

Seriously. Nothing like a road trip or being around family for extended periods to bring out the worst in you. Put the two together and it's dynamite for tearing down my walls of illusion.

I drove down with my dad, and I forgot how picky I am when it comes to stopping during road trips. He didn't want to stop at subway for lunch so I suggested we stop at Arby's in hope that they had tuna salad on one of their market fresh sandwiches.

Well, not only did they not have any pescatarian or vegetarian options, the whole joint smelled like a giant armpit. So what did I do? Sat like a hoodie-clad, moody teenager with my sulky eyes while I ate my protein bar and stared at the floor.

Lack of sleep, lack of vegetables, gross rest stops where the soap smells like old man cologne, eating only protein bars for lunch and being bored really whips me into bad shape.

I also get discouraged and frustrated when I feel like the spiritual leader in the family, or fear that they look at me as this cracked out, uber religious, rule-following girl.

It really doesn't help that I have an irritated, bad attitude there too. I just want to shake people and plead/yell at them - "Why don't you want to go to church? Don't you have any reverence for God? Don't you want to seek Him? Why aren't you in a small group? What are you doing with your life? What's wrong with you?!"

Like Hillary Faye in the movie Saved!, when she throws the Bible at Mary while screaming, "I am FILLED with the love of Christ!!"

I'm sure that would get me places.

I went to church with my Aunt & cousins, and it's funny how the preacher talked about what I really needed to hear.

Evangelism is heavy on my heart and I just have no idea how to do it, especially when I just get such a bad attitude.

We've been talking about this at Summit and in small group, and the preacher was talking about how you can't scream at people, scheme about it, Bible thump, etc. - none of those work (and I knew that, I just needed to hear it).

When we are loving, compassionate, generous and honest - that's when there can be an impact. Not when you're self-righteous, yelling at people or hostile.

It's also realizing that God pursues people individually and that it's between Him and them - not a conference call with me as some kind of third party. Trusting those people to God, not thinking that it's my sole responsibility that they get to know Him.

Just seeing myself in some of my worst states, seeing my own sin - it's a miracle He loves me, is so faithful and wants to use me, so how can anyone be too messed up for Him to rescue and redeem?

Again . . . nothing like a road trip and family to show me how dirty and sinful my heart truly is.

My sister was telling me about her boyfriend's grandmother . . . how kind, generous and loving she is, and how she will just be going about her business but randomly stops to put her hands on my sister and pray for her, then continues milling about the house.

I thought about how beautiful that is, and how I long to be a woman like that. To make a positive impact, not drive people away.

I think part of the problem is that I'm terribly impatient - I want to see dramatic change when I want to see it instead of trusting God to work in the lives of those I'm praying for. I just need a reminder that He is the one who created them, that He loves them more than I ever could, that only He can change hearts . . . and it's on His timeline, not mine.

je ne sais pas

2010-09-28T15:44:00.003-04:00

So . . . I am of course still thinking about how bored and pointless my life seems right now.

I was thinking about it today and trying to surrender these thoughts to God, and I just really feel like He's telling me, "Seek Me, get to know Me before you worry about everything else."

And honestly, I want my life to honor God. I want my life to be worship to Him in response to what He's done for me.

And . . . it's completely logical for me to get to know Him before I try to take on the world and get preoccupied with life. How can I do what He wants me to, if I don't even know His heart? And who's to say He's not preparing me for something I can't see or testing my patience right now.

If J.D.'s sermon on Sunday about Esther taught me anything, it's about God's sovereignty. How He will accomplish His purposes and His plans . . . and how he uses our mistakes and circumstances to do so if we're willing. I really would love to know beyond a doubt that I am here for a reason, in my circumstances for some kind of purpose. To know that I'm where I am "for such a time as this." (Esther 4:14)

But first and above everything, God calls us to seek Him. The first and greatest commandment is to know Him and love Him with everything (Matthew 22:37-38).

I know that He will grow me, sanctify me and use me if I'm seeking Him and willing. After all, He promises to do so in scripture (Phil 1:6).

Sanctification is like . . . I thought of this phenomenal analogy today as I was driving home from the gym. I used to drink diet coke like it was water. Seriously. Ever since my freshmen year of college, I would drink at least 1-2 a day and my body craved it if I didn't get my daily dose. I could even put away a 2-liter in less than 12 hours if I felt like it. I decided a few months ago that it probably wasn't good to constantly pump artificial sweeteners and extra caffeine into my system, so I decided to give it up. It was really hard at first and I wanted to punch my fist through the wall the first day sans diet coke, but by the end of the week I felt absolutely fabulous . . . and I still have it every now and then, but hardly ever.

I quit craving it. Now, I honestly crave water (it sounds weird, trust me . . . I used to hate drinking only water, but now I love it) . . . and I was craving water when I left the gym, so maybe that's why I thought of this analogy.

Anyway, Sanctification is like craving water. God changes our hearts so that we begin to think like Him and desire what He desires. Instead of our selfish desires (like diet coke), we start to take on His desires (like water) . . . and He uses that for His purposes. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that's all I got. Not to say that I've figured out my current dilemma, but that there's hope in the midst of confusion and chaos.

25 going on 26

2010-09-27T22:40:00.002-04:00

Oh. my.

I remember in college when it was unheard of to go to bed at 11pm because it was too early. I remember staying up until at least 1am every night, no matter how early I had to get up for work or class the next day.

Now here I am, age 25, getting cross-eyed at 10:30pm out of tiredness.

what is going on??!!

Anyway, I was thinking today . . . what is the point?

Sometimes I just feel so bored with life, I start to question my purpose, I question if I'm doing anything worthwhile, why am I here? I just feel like my life is so random and pointless.

I was watching Iron Man last night and one of the characters tells Tony Stark not to waste his life. I know it's totally cheesy, but it made me think.

I really don't want to waste my life. I don't want to live for myself, and I want to have purpose.

I just wonder if there's a reason that my life is so seemingly uneventful, or if I'm to blame for mediocrity and the boredom that I encounter. Is God teaching me something in this season, or am I just not living to my potential?

I just have a hard time trying to understand this. I also have a hard time understanding God's sovereignty. If I know that the creator of the universe is in control and in the details of my life, then I can rest, knowing that He's calling the shots. I can rest knowing that there is purpose to even the seemingly boring periods.

And yet, I must admit that I'm content where I am right now. I just haven't seen crazy dramatic things happen lately so maybe that's why I'm questioning purpose.

But I still struggle with wondering if I'm missing out on something, if God wants to do something through me that I'm just too blind, disobedient or ignorant to see.

I don't really know what to do with this other than to lay it at His feet and trust in His timing. I don't know what to do during this season than to seek Him and try to get to know Him better, even when I don't understand the details of my life. To trust that He is sovereign. To know that He is infinite and operates on an eternal time line, while I am finite and have a limited point of view.

This is my Father's world
Let me never forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet

marriage sermons

2010-08-31T23:33:00.006-04:00

I would like to preface by saying that I think marriage sermons are great. They remind us of what Biblical marriage looks like, and helps us hold a high standard for this beautiful and sacred institution.

But I must say, that sometimes it feels like my singleness is being rubbed in my face.

Our pastor has been going through the 10 commandments, and this past week J.D. preached on the command, "thou shalt not commit adultery." A majority of the sermon was focused on sex and marriage, as one would predict.

Naturally, he pointed out how earthly marriage is given to us an analogy or a picture of God's relationship to us . . . and how the intimacy found in sex is a picture of the intimacy we have with God.

But it did catch me a little off-guard when he said that, (within the confines of marriage) sex is an echo of God's love and a taste of the divine.

My immediate thought was - awesome! Here I am, single and in the world . . . and what if I never get married? Well, I'll never experience that picture of God's love, I'll never be in that exclusive, married-people-only, inner circle of understanding the Gospel. And I'm totally missing out.

It makes me feel that my relationship with God is hindered because of my singleness.

But then again, Paul did say that it is good to be single - it allows us to be single-minded toward the Lord and to focus solely on our relationship with Him, versus being in a relationship and having our time and devotion divided between God and a husband.

So who knows. I don't think that it was anyone's intention for us single people to feel on the outside looking in, discouraged, or that we're missing out of a deeper relationship with God when these sermons are preached. And yet, I am left feeling that way sometimes.

I guess it's a good thing to be more concerned with the status of my relationship with God because of my relationship status, than to be primarily concerned with my relationship status. (if that makes your head spin, just read it again . . . or email me to ask what I meant - I promise I'm not trying to be confusing.)

I guess what I was trying to say is that my concern is . . . does my relationship with God depend on my relationship status? If I get married, will it allow me to gain a deeper walk with Him, whereas being single will inhibit that?

Also, I have the tendency to believe that relationships just aren't for girls like me.

That relationships are for those girls who really stand out. For those girls who are a size 0. Those girls that draw all the men like a magnet. Those girls who are really good at flirting. Those girls who look cute 24/7. Let's face it - there are waaayyy more Christian girls than there are guys, so you must have to be one of those girls - you gotta make the cut. I guess I just don't stand a chance.

I could ask these questions all day. But more importantly is for now, to rest in Him. To look to Him with my questions, my doubts, my cynicism, my frustrations. To allow Him to heal these things. Because He's the only one who can handle all of it. He's the only one who can have that complete intimacy - to know me completely and love me anyway . . . the way no human can. Also, to trust that He is in control of my circumstances (including my singleness) . . . so there's gotta be a purpose to this, yes?

if I was Amish . . .

2010-08-27T10:22:00.003-04:00

I'd be tworkin' a straw hat.

Just kidding. It would not be attractive.

Anyway . . . last weekend I was in Ohio with some lovely friends, passing through some Amish country. Which sparked some interesting conversation and thoughts.

They pointed out to me that Amish people live simple lives because it allows them to be closer to God.

That makes SO much sense to me, actually. Not that I'm going to trade in my honda for a horse & buggy, but it just reiterates a few truths to me.

There are so many distractions in this life that allow me to be far from God. Busy schedules - social and work, TV, radio, pop music, facebook, texting, blogging, traveling, the gym (oh, especially the gym) . . . so many things occupy our time and distract us from a relationship with our Creator.

Other priorities that call to us . . . so many crazy, cluttered things in this life are trying to take us away from God. And not that these things are bad, but when we pursue them more than we are pursuing Him, we get into trouble.

Am I more concerned about growing in my walk with God, which is infinite and eternal, or things of this life, like the pursuit of being hot by spending hours at the gym each day(well, OK - 4-5 times a week)? Which, is totally finite and futile . . . (because let's face it, when I'm 60, there will be no hope of having a bikini body)

burdened

2010-08-27T10:08:00.002-04:00

The longer I walk with God, the more challenges seem to cross my path . . . which is a sign of growth, so I guess I can be thankful amidst the difficulty.

God puts us in community and fellowship for a multitude of reasons, and one that seems to be put on my heart lately is accountability.

As I read through 2 Kings, you can see a pattern of kings in Israel and Judah . . . all who fall short and do evil in the sight of the Lord. Even the ones who are pleasing to God have a few unrepentant sins. It would appear that they are not allowing God to take full reign of their lives, they do not fully surrender every area of their lives to God.

How relevant this is to us today. How reluctant are we to give God every area of our lives? As much as we don't want to acknowledge it, I think we all tend to have a piece of ourselves that we tell God He can't touch.

God, I'll serve you on Sunday, but I can't afford to tithe . . . God, I'll be faithful in attendance to my small group, but I won't open myself up to be held accountable. God, you can tell me where to work and where to volunteer, but I get to choose who I date. etc. etc.

I have definitely been there. And I know enough now that God doesn't just want us on Sunday, or for an hour in small group. He wants all of us, all of the time. That's what He desires - that intimate relationship, daily walking with Him. How can that be obtained if we refuse to let go and surrender all to Him?

On the outside looking in, I can see friends and acquaintances following destructive patterns, habitual sin, unrepentant sin and areas of life that are not surrendered to God.

Yet, how can I know if and when it's appropriate to confront? I am by NO means perfect or even good. My heart is wretched and filthy . . . the only reason I am walking with God is because of His initiation and action in my life. I struggle as much as the next person. I know that we are called to hold each other accountable, but how can this be done without appearing self-righteous, snobby, or condemning? How can this be done in love? How can this be done the way God asks?

I know that sitting idly by while those that I love are turning from God is just as bad, if not worse, as openly waging war against God myself . . . but how do I approach this without destroying a friendship or appearing self-righteous?

2010-07-26T10:51:00.003-04:00

My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 131:1-3

It's funny how I stress out about the dumbest things sometimes.

Like the gym. I hate joining/canceling these things because it's like buying a car. Why must gym staff hassle and be so pushy? Anyway, it's stressing me out, and it's silly. You would think I'm making the decision of who to marry. But I'm not - I'm just trying to make a decision of what gym to belong to.

It's funny how the busyness of life (even just running errands or choosing a gym) can take over and cloud my mind. There are distractions everywhere that cause restlessness within me.

I often feel like busyness = worth. I also hate sitting still. I wrestle with feeling like to rest or sit still is the same as being idle, lazy and complacent.

Sometimes the things that I think I need to do can wait. I tend to fight it, but when I do take that time to sit quietly before God, He calms my soul and gives the grace and strength to move forward.

Whether that means figuring out the future, or just the day-to-day things.

You are my God
My hiding place, My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, You are
My friend and King, Anointed One
Most Holy . . .
Because you're with me,
I will not fear.

"I Will Exalt You" - Hillsong

Hurricane

2010-07-12T23:32:00.006-04:00

Caught in between knowing You and trusting me
Come on take a ride out of the in-betweens
Now I know I need You

When I can't see, I will trust You
And when I get weak, I trust You
And when I just can't let it go
I trust that You are in control

Shelter me so I can find some peace
Grabbing hold of You is letting go of me
It's easy when I remember I possess all that lays beyond my grasp
Your power commands the weight off my back
"I Trust You" - Skillet

The future freaks me out.

Especially when I start to get restless in my circumstances. I just want to know what the next step is. When I can't seem to find any direction, I conclude that I must be doing something wrong, and that's why God hasn't spelled it out for me.

I forget things like . . . maybe I'm here for a reason. Maybe God is doing something in me that I just can't see.

Or maybe He's teaching me to be content. Maybe He's teaching me to be faithful and patient when I can't see, when I'm bored, when things look bleak, and when I don't understand.

Instead, I feel like running and being "productive" is much more important. It feels like doing works and keeping my schedule booked is more valuable than just spending time at His feet.

I have a very hard time sitting still. I love having a job and schedule that keeps me constantly moving. I have a very low tolerance for boredom. I had to go to the coffee shop today just to get away from the black hole of busyness and distractions in my apartment and on the internet.

I want more than anything to be on the path that God is calling me to. What if, instead of searching for the next tangible step, I just rested? If I took a moment to seek His face? (Plus, how can I effectively serve God if I don't know His character or what He truly desires?)

In the past, I have found that when I do slow down and set aside time to spend with Him, the next step flows naturally . . . but only after I have purposefully sat still at His feet.

Yet, every fiber of my being groans against this . . . I just want to stay moving.

I also want to just freak out about the future versus trust God with it. Somewhere, my circumstances are blowing up and a dismal picture of the future is painted in my imagination.

I start to rely on myself and my viewpoint, my resources, my knowledge, my ability to predict the future. My fears blow up and suddenly I've taken God out of the equation.

I forget that He will be right there with me in the future, no matter what it holds. I forget that He is the only one who can save me from myself, and who can handle my fears, my hopes, my future.

I'm reading the book, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World," by Joanna Weaver and it's pretty awesome.

In one of the chapters I just read, she talks about fear versus concern. She quotes Gary E. Gilley who states, "Worry is allowing problems and distress to come between us and the heart of God. It is the view that God has somehow lost control of the situation and we cannot trust Him. A legitimate concern presses us closer to the heart of God and causes us to lean and trust on Him all the more."

I have to throw out a few other quotes from her in the chapter . . .
"fretting magnifies the problem, but prayer magnifies God . . . So much depends on our perspective. If my God isn't bigger than life, then my life is bigger than God - and that's when anxiety takes over."

It's funny how hard it is to trust sometimes. It helps to look back and see those tangible moments in our lives when God has provided for us, or shown His faithfulness. That helps us trust Him with our future, but it's still scary. I know I want to be in control, I want things to happen on my timetable, and I want to see into the future. Yet, it doesn't seem to happen that way.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
. . .
For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:25-27, 32-34

And what if, during this weird phase of life . . . instead of freaking out about it, what if I did seek His face? What if I did seek first His kingdom and righteousness? What would that look like? What if I sought to use this time wisely?

If I first worked on my relationship with God, and went from there? If I started to see opportunities to love and serve the people that are in my life now? If I could see the freedoms and advantages in the single life, rather than despairing over it and wishing for the next step to be spelled out?

What if I chose to trust rather than freak out? If I chose to see possibility and opportunity rather than despair?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7

Uncalm

2010-07-11T09:58:00.006-04:00

One of the things I hate about Raleigh is that there's no room to breathe. Sometimes I feel like ocean water runs through my bloodstream and my soul belongs in a coastal town. I really miss Wilmington sometimes, and how easy it was to just escape at the beach. In RDU, there's no place to "escape" . . . the closest thing I've found is one of the lakes around here, but I feel like I'm gonna get snatched when I go there by myself. Nothing compares to the smell of the ocean, the sound of the surf and the feel of the breeze tousling through my hair. I feel like I can truly "let go" when I'm there. I just get frustrated when I try to do that here. Awesome.

A perpetual prayer of mine is that God would reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not following Him . . . and more specifically, the idols and false gods that I'm chasing after.

Well, I must confess that a constant idol is the scale, the size of my jeans, and the mirror.

This is not new . . . it's something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember, and I think it may be every woman's struggle.

It's funny how much control one seemingly small area of your life can have over you, and how quickly it can take over and choke out almost everything else.

I realize that a lot of my life is driven by fear and guilt. This being one of them.

I weigh myself every week, and the number that it reveals to me sets the mood of that day, or even that week. It's funny how that number has power to make me either depressed or somewhat content.

I constantly evaluate everything I put into my body, and I generally feel guilty about it. I am driven by obligation in my food choices and workout habits - obligation that is generated by guilt of what I've eaten, or fear of that number on the scale or the size of my clothes.

I remember in college that this struggle led me to a lot of tears, rage, and hatred towards myself. I will say that it has improved since then, but still has a hold on me.

I was eating dinner with my mom a few months ago, and she asked me why I felt like I needed to lose weight. I guess I didn't have a good reason for her - I think I said something like, "I just do." She asked me what number on the scale would make me happy. I told her a number, but then I changed my mind a few times, as that number got lower and lower.

Since that time, I've actually reached that number (well, the first number anyhow), but I'm still unhappy. I will never be satisfied with the number, no matter how low it gets. When the scale tells me a "good" number, I don't believe it. No matter how many people tell me I look good or thin, I cannot listen. I don't believe them, I brush it off.

I realize that I will never be satisfied with my weight or appearance . . . at least in the state I'm in now. I'm perpetually chasing after something I cannot obtain. It really makes no sense . . . yet it restrains me, tells me I'm not good enough, tells me that it's the reason why I'm unhappy, tells me that it's the reason I'm single, etc. etc.

So what is the answer? Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to wrestle with this the rest of my life - but how do I get out of it's grip and power over me?

I have to understand that my value, worth and identity cannot be found in my appearance or weight. That He is the only God who will satisfy when I am in His presence. That He offers rest, while my endless pursuit of "beauty" will never give me what I'm looking for. That my appearance or opinion of myself cannot satisfy my soul's longings.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30

Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
-John 10:7-10

people are people

2010-07-10T23:35:00.005-04:00

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
-Brennan Manning

I recently heard a comment made about professing Christians . . . how a majority of people call themselves Christians, but a small few actually are living in consistency with that claim.

It was a comment made by a co-worker, about co-workers.

I have to admit that it bothered me to the point that I had a dream about it last night . . . and I fear that I'm one of the people they don't see as truly living out what I claim to believe or follow.

I started to fear that my actions/words aren't lining up with my beliefs - and that maybe I just need to try harder in front of this person, or anyone, for that matter.

I've wrestled with that thought, and I know that ultimately it's really between me and God. God is the only one who knows our hearts, our true motives, what we're truly seeking in this life.

Plus, if I tried to impress this person by trying to "act Christian," then I'm really idolizing that person's opinion and chasing that rather than seeking God's opinion of me (and after all, isn't His opinion of me infinitely more important than anyone else's?).

I also firmly believe that none of us have the authority or ability to judge where a person's heart is. You never know what someone is going through, or what they're trying to work out. We also have to remember that we're all broken, sinful people - and God is ridiculously faithful to us, though we continually stray and run after false gods.

I want to live a life that displays the Gospel, a life of thankfulness and worship in response to what God has done for me. I want the way I live to reflect that, and I hope it does . . . but I also know that I am a work in progress, and that I've got plenty of flaws.

I do, however, hope that this comment can challenge me more than serve as a discouragement. I want God to show me the areas of my life that I am holding back and haven't fully surrendered to Him. I want the way I live to show off the Gospel, not turn people away.

You know what else is slightly amusing . . . is that for being a people who believe in grace, we sure do suck at loving each other. Christians are horrible at loving each other. I think that some of the most difficult people I've encountered are Christians. You think I'm lying, but I'm serious!

Again . . . we are all just people. Broken, flawed sinners in this world. Thank goodness we have a God who loves ALL of us . . . even when we're in our worst self-righteous states, or when we're spitting in His face. No one is too far from His love, His unfathomable faithfulness and grace.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
-Isaiah 53:6

There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
-Romans 3:22-24

Now on a more serious note . . .

2010-06-15T01:00:00.004-04:00

(I had to get all of the unrelated stuff out in the last post, so that this one will be mostly business).

I had a fabulous discussion with my small group, as we are going through Romans, about faith.

More specifically, how there is a difference between believing in God and believing God.

I tend to have this hate/love relationship with Tim Keller . . . as it's his study that we're going through. However, this week's study was really good.

We went over Romans 4:1-25 this week. He points out that faith = trust God's promise to save, and that, "saving faith is a 'trust transfer.' It is the removing of one's hopes and trust from other things and the placing of them on God as saviour."

he goes on to say,

"It isn't a general belief in God that saves, but it is believing God when he promises a way of salvation by grace.

Saving faith is not faith in God in general. You can have lots and lots of strong faith that God exists, that he is loving, that he is holy. You can believe that the Bible is God's holy word. You can show great reverence for God. Yet all the while you can be seeking to be your own saviour and justifier by trusting in performance in religion, performance in moral character, performance as a parent, performance in vocation, etc.

To say saving faith is a "trust transfer" is to consciously see where your trust is, and remove one's hopes and trust from those things and to place them on God as saviour in particular (not only on him as God in general)."

He says, that what is means to "believe God" includes . . .

"1. To not go on feelings or appearances. Faith is not opposed to reason, but to feelings and appearances. Faith is going on something despite our weakness, despite our feelings and perceptions.

2. To focus on facts about God . . . faith is not the absence of thinking, but rather is a profound insistence on acting out of measured reflection, instead of just reacting to circumstances.

3. To trust the bare word of God . . . it is taking God at his word even when there is nothing else to go on, when feelings, popular opinion, and common sense seem to contradict his promise."

Yes . . . what a difference it is to believe God . . . to abandon self-trust and self-sufficiency. Not to just co-exist with God (as just believing in Him would permit us to do), but to believe what He says and know that He is walking with us daily. Even when nothing makes sense, even when our circumstances suck. To know that He is the one who promises to never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), that He is the one who promises rest to the burdened and weary (Matthew 11:28-30) To believe Him when He tells us that we are His children, that we are saved, justified, adopted into His loving care, brought into covenant with Him forever (Ephesians 2:12-13; Romans 5:1-2, 6-10; Romans 8:15-16; Galatians 3:26-29)

What would it look like to really, truly believe Him?

To trust Him with every aspect of our lives, to trust Him with our future? To believe Him when He says He cares for us and will provide for us (Matthew 6:33, 1 Peter 5:7, Proverbs 3:5-6) And to stop leaning on our own understanding? To live in His reality?

And to remember that He is the God who created the universe, the same God who led Israel out of Egypt, the God of Abraham, the God who raised Christ from the dead. He's the same God who, with an outstretched arm offers us relationship and life . . . and who we have access to daily. Kind of crazy.

Armageddon It

2010-06-14T23:52:00.003-04:00

The title of this blog has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that I just can't get enough Def Leppard.

Last night, I made the mistake of wearing a halter top outside . . . only to wind up with no less than 10,000 mosquito bites on my upper back. it's pretty awesome.

Julie is my hero for sharing recipes that are not only absolutely delicious, but healthy (or in the case of desserts, moderately healthy) - I made her version of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, which are nothing short of amazing. You substitute a smashed banana for butter, and so I thought that since these were "healthy" cookies that I'd go overboard and eat about 12 of them. I don't think the banana negates the sugar and the chocolate chips. Oh well, you only live once.

In my never-ending quest to be healthy, I decided to go a week without artificial sweetener last week. Now, I've been drinking diet coke since 2003, and I've been a splenda junkie ever since it debuted . . . I drink 2-3 cups of coffee (at least) daily with splenda, I drink at least 2 diet cokes a day, I love light 'n fit yogurt and sugar-free "desserts" like jell-o pudding. Not to mention crystal light and other diet drinks.

Day one of no artificial sweetener sucked. I was probably growling at people, my head hurt, and I really just wanted a diet coke, people. I've been wanting to give it up for years, but never had the desire or will power until lately. Day 2 of no artificial sweetener was fabulous. I don't know if it was psychological, but I felt amazing. I made it through the whole week, and now I've decided to quit for good. I just use raw sugar in my coffee and drink unsweetened iced tea (fruit herbal teas like blueberry or rasberry, mmm) and water throughout the day. It's pretty awesome - it forces me to drink more water, which is always a good thing.

Also, I read that drinking diet soda or using artificial sweetener actually causes you to crave sugar more. I never believed it because I would just end up craving more diet drinks, yogurt, or sugar-free pudding most of the time. But, it's totally true. I usually have a wicked sweet tooth, but last week I didn't really crave sweet things.

Now, if I could eat purely organic and natural everything, that would rock. However, that's a little bit too expensive and impractical. So I think I'll stick to cooking more, eating more vegetables and only using raw sugar. Yeah for being healthy :-D

On another note, I love tattoos. Whenever I'm around a friend who has tattoos, it makes me want another tattoo. But then I see old people with tattoos that are totally blurry and unrecognizable . . . and I quickly change my mind.

BUT, if I was to get another one, it would be a compass or a ship on my left foot (my tattoo is on the right side of my body, so I'd have to even things out by getting one on the left!). I just think ship tattoos look pretty sweet, not to mention the pirate affiliation. I had a discussion with some of the girls in my small group on Memorial day and decided that I'd get a Jesus pirate pedal boat tattoo. Wouldn't that be awesome? I bet that I'd be the only one you knew with that. Juuuust kidding.

In all seriousness, I think I'd get a ship tattoo and somehow tie a verse in . . . or, I would get a compass tattoo and reference how the trajectory of my life is toward God . . . or maybe a giant magnet since He's pulling me closer to Him. Too bad compasses and magnets aren't as pretty as a big ship.

hello fascination

2010-05-30T09:03:00.016-04:00

disclaimer: this post is totally unrelated.

But on a serious note, God has been really teaching me (and I've been re-learning) of His unfathomable faithfulness and love. Just the fact that I've been struggling to know the Truth is confirmation that His promises are true, that I really am His child, that I have been called according to His purpose . . . and that He makes covenants with messy, broken sinners like me. (Galatians 3:26-29, Colossians 1:14, 2 Corinthians 5:21, John 10:14-16,27-29, Ephesians 2:12-13, Ephesians 3:17-19, Acts 17:27, Romans 5:1-10, Romans 8:15-16, 28-29)

Now with the unrelated content . . . I've been inspired by Julie & Christen to just write out some recent thoughts that are floating in my head.

I just bought this CD:

it was a compulsive buy at Target, and I must say that I don't regret it. I will say that the original songs are of course better, but I'm impressed with these covers. It also has me listening to some newer punk-pop, post-hardcore/screamo, alternative bands. Which reminds me of 4 years ago when I went to a ton of shows . . . including my AFI tour . . . yes, I saw them 5 different times in 4 separate states in 2006. And got a tattoo.

So listening to this music makes me feel young. And makes me start to want another tattoo.

I'm about to be 25 . . . and I almost feel old. Is it weird that I like to listen to music that makes me want to jump off of things? That I think about getting another tattoo? That I want to go to shows? That I want to wear my chucks and cutoff jean shorts? I feel like these things are inappropriate for my age, but it might just be in
my head.

I want to be young. bah.

Back to classic rock . . . I do love it. It reminds me of my dad and my childhood, because I heard it a lot growing up. So I associate Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Journey, Jimi Hendrix, The Rolling Stones (OK maybe they're not technically classic rock), ZZ Top, etc. with family and home and the olden days.

I associate AC/DC, Def Leppard and Van Halen with Wilmington and going out downtown . . . and some of my favorite people that I hung out with in college. I also confess that I love the smell of smoke (cigarette smoke, that is) for a few seconds. It just reminds me of those times too.

Listening to alternative rock, pop-punk and post-hardcore/screamo takes me back to hanging out with one of my best friends from Wilmington (Amy), going to shows, summertime and going to Warped Tour. I miss those days.

I love summer . . . so much. I love laying out at the pool, beach trips, grilling out, wearing tank tops and skirts . . . driving around with the windows down, blaring
Sublime and 311.

Sometimes I feel like I have ocean water in my veins. I went to Wilmington last week on a whim, and it was amazing. I needed to break away, and it was perfect timing. I wish that I lived at the beach, and I miss the feel of living in a coastal town/city.

Sometimes I feel like everything is so random. Why do I live here? I love my church, my friends, my roommate, this city, my job, the clinic that I just started volunteering at, etc . . . but I feel like those things could be acquired anywhere. If there's no purpose or reason for me to be here, why am I here? If I could find good friends, a good job and a Gospel-centered church anywhere, then why am I here? Maybe if I'm not married in 2 years I should just say screw it and move to a coastal city.

But if I knew there was purpose, it would give living here more meaning and I'd find a reason to stay.

2010-05-17T14:21:00.005-04:00

I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything, everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
The torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back"

"I Need You" - Relient K

---------------

All I need to know is that God isn't going to abandon me.

All I need to know is that I belong to Him, and He won't let me go . . . that I'll never be able to escape His love or grasp. To know that He really is sovereign, and that the dumb, seemingly pointless things in life really do have a purpose.

It's funny how easily my mind scrambles the truth. How quickly I believe the lies.

How difficult it is to stop striving. How difficult it is just to rest and believe.

This whole thing is aggravating yet comforting in a way. My restlessness to know the truth, to know more of God is a confirmation that He's drawing me nearer to Him, and that I do really belong to Him.

Why else would I be searching? If God was not actively working in me and stirring me to know Him more and to grow in my faith, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be going through this.

under pressure

2010-05-16T00:18:00.008-04:00

I really want to go to bed right now, but I gotta get a few things out of my head first.

I was driving home tonight and the top 40 station plays the club mixes on saturday nights, and little Justin Beiber came on. Now, can you imagine people grinding hard to poor little 10-year-old Justin Beiber? It just seems wrong . . . at least juxtaposed.

Anyway, that's just a side note.

One of my favorite places to cry is church. For a lot of reasons, I think. Because during that time purposed for worship songs, meditating on God's word, and how often God speaks through our pastor - I like to get emotional during all of that . . . and also because no one is really looking at you. It's like crying at the movies.

I've been thinking and wrestling and struggling a lot lately, which is good.

It's good to see that I'm human. I'm messy. People are generally messy, actually.

I want to retire the plastic smile. Why should I put on a front? Why not be real, vulnerable and transparent - even when it's scary? I think that can speak more to people about what God is doing in your life - when you can be more honest.

If you're bringing all of your questions and struggles and baggage to God, trying to work it out with Him. When your problems don't get cured overnight, and they don't just gloss over . . . and you're laying it at His feet, trusting that He'll walk with you through all the crap.

Acknowledging my weaknesses, faults, bad days and humanness causes me to see my need for a savior. It forces me to rely on something outside of myself. It opens the door for me to rely more fully on God - which is something people need to see.

I want to just surrender. To let go of my guilt and my never-ending quest called perfectionism. I am trying so hard to be perfect, and I'm the only one putting that pressure on myself. No one else expects me to live up to the unrealistic standards that I've created. I've been struggling to be self-sufficient without fully acknowledging it.

Being a christian doesn't mean I have it all together or am perfect. I think it means that no matter what, I belong to God.

And I did nothing to deserve that relationship. That He reached out to me when I didn't even know who He was. That He initiated the relationship and He reconciled me - and I have done nothing to earn it.

So . . . I can rest, knowing that I am fully loved and I am His, and nothing is going to change that.

I am just thankful that God is bigger than my questions. He's bigger than satan, who keeps on making me question my identity and worth. He's bigger than my doubts, my desires, my fears, my anger, my frustration, my sin, my pursuit of perfection. There's nothing too big for Him, there's nothing I'm gonna throw out that He can't handle.

It's just so hard sometimes. I hate wrestling with the bigger issues. I hate questioning. I can't handle pat answers. Just because you think or say it's going to be OK doesn't mean that it will be. I can't handle a random verse taken out of context . . . I have to really sit down and digest it to get the answers I'm searching for. All of these things frustrate me, but I can take it as a sign of maturing. It's like a love/hate relationship . . . growing pains.

Back to being OK with being human . . . why would God send His Son to die for people, if they could be self-sufficient or righteous on their own? God created us . . . He knows we're messy, sinful and rebellious, yet He wants us to be reconciled to Him anyway. The whole grace thing baffles me, in a mysterious beautiful fashion.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:6-8

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
Ephesians 2:4-9

Remember To Feel Real

2010-05-10T11:32:00.005-04:00

See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know

Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

I'm on my own . . .

"On My Own" - The Used

--------------------

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins, the outs, the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

It comes and goes it comes and goes
Sometimes I go a little crazy . . .

"Creatures (For A While)" - 311

--------------------

And this is how it feels when I
Ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself
When I keep running away from you

And this is who I am when,
When I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when
It's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you, I'm falling
Falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when
I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart
When I finally hit the ground

And this is how it hurts when I
Pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear
When I throw myself away

"Breathe Into Me" - Red

--------------------

Sometimes it's a beautiful thing to be broken.

Sometimes I someone to tell me that I am human, and that it's OK.

Most of the time, I'm trying to be perfect. I feel like I have to have it all together, especially since I'm in a leadership position. I feel like I always have to be 100%, always happy, always pouring myself out.

I hate it when people ask you "how are you?" and you can't tell the truth, so you swallow that lump in your throat and say "good, how are you?"

When I'm upset, I don't want to burden other people with the truth. Because it's not convenient. I'm not OK . . . I'm upset and mad at life, but we don't have an hour to talk about it, so I tell you that I'm fine and put this plastic smile back on my face.

I also feel guilty for being upset at life. Because our joy is to be found in the Lord, I feel like it's a sin not to be in a constant state of contentment.

But I'm not always happy and I'm not always content with my circumstances. In fact, I get pretty pissed and depressed about it sometimes . . and then I get upset at myself for being upset. I feel very guilty about it.

And the cycle continues. It's a never ending cycle of discontentment, guilt and depression.

And then I need someone to talk to, but feel that I can't . . . because I don't want to bring someone else down, I don't want to take up someone's time, I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be a burden.

So I keep these erroneous, twisted thoughts in my head, where they only keep brewing and exploding and getting worse.

I feel like I have to be constantly pouring myself out, and so it's not OK for me to take time for myself, and it's not OK to be inwardly focused. Life's not all about me, and I can't be selfish.

And then I try to run away from all of it just to breathe and talk to God about the cluster/cycle/insanity, but there's nowhere to breathe here because the beach is two hours away and I have too many time commitments for my schedule to allow that trip.

Oh, and then I feel guilty for trying to escape because escapism is not the right way to deal with life.

And I continue to feel guilty about being upset at life in the first place.

And then I get mad at stupid things like gel pens from target and the coffee shop not having skim milk out by the half & half, and feel guilty for not recycling the cardboard box my printer came in . . . when you start getting mad at pointless things, that's when you really know something's wrong.

And then I have no idea why I feel so guilty about all of these things in the first place. I don't know why I have this illusion that I need to be perfect and happy 100% of the time.

I really need someone to save me from myself and from these thoughts . . . to thrust me into reality and out of the twisted world that's in my head . . . I hate how I have so many questions that I can't answer, about life and God and purpose . . . how there are certain questions we will perpetually wrestle with in this lifetime.

I just need to sit down and listen to God . . . it would just really help if the beach was here.

Back to my first thought, it is a beautiful thing to be broken. It reminds me of my need for God, and it allows me to run to Him for complete healing . . . even if the pain of life does not fully subside. I think God gives the pain more of a purpose, and He heals us . . . but I don't think He expects us to have it all together . . . otherwise the cross would have been completely in vain, and a million other reasons.

Thriller

2010-05-04T01:36:00.001-04:00

I have totally been feeling like a zombie lately . . . as I mentioned in my last post.

I also must say that sometimes a blog is like the contents of your brain exploding onto a keyboard . . . and so this post might be a little lengthy.

It's funny and aggravating to me how easily I fall into a rut and get caught in old patterns, old struggles, run back to those idols that I thought were conquered.

I have been so bored with life, so inwardly focused, so discontent with my circumstances.

Chasing after the same old things . . . seeking to find meaning and purpose.

My thought processes and patterns catch me off guard. I was at church, of all places, and realized that I've been judging God's love for me based on my circumstances.

I, without being fully aware of it, was believing that there was something wrong with me, a reason that I'm not good enough, that God was withholding blessings from me. I'm just not in the right place spiritually and so God has been holding back.

Once I realized my futile thinking, I was a little taken aback by it. God displayed all of His power, love and grace on the cross. God's love for me will never, and has never changed . . . nothing I do or don't do could ever change that. If He saved me when I didn't even know Him - if He gave His own son for me when I was dead in my sins, then how could I think that He would withhold anything, or love me less? He cannot give me anything greater than what He's already given me in the cross. He cannot bless me with anything greater than His presence.

It's far too easy to count the tangible things and quickly start wondering why you don't have certain material blessings. It's far too easy to chase after the things that promise fulfillment in this world.

And then we wonder how we got back to this place. But I'm not fooled . . . I know it was because I haven't been spending as much quality time with God. I've been letting the little things get in the way . . .

Looking for meaning and fulfillment in validation and approval from other people, from my outward appearance, from being busy . . . I think those are my biggest struggles, at least when it comes to idols. And then buying the lies that are so convincing - that I'm not good enough, that there's something chronically wrong with me as a person, that I'm not doing enough.

But perhaps if I got back to where I need to be . . . perhaps if I found my identity, my meaning, purpose and fulfillment in God - it would free me from the boredom and discontentment in life I've been feeling. I would become so enthralled by Him and satisfied in Him. That I would remember life is not all about me - it's about a greater story and I can be a part of it. That my heart and desires would align with His. Perhaps if I turned to Him, I would be filled to the point of overflowing . . . and instead of being irritated or frustrated with people because I'm not getting something from them, I would be enabled to love them and pour myself out for them. I would be able to rest, knowing that my identity and approval is not dependent on how well I do at work or even in a ministry, or what people think of me. Instead of being a vacuum, I would be constantly outpouring.

People, relationships, a number on a scale were not meant to give us meaning. God is the only one who can fill that void . . . and the only one who can keep providing and supplying for our needs. It's just funny how often I have to be reminded of that.

And yet, He's always there when I finally get my head on straight . . . never to say "I told you so" or to condemn me. God is not controlling, and He allows us to choose our paths, even when there are not so good consequences. God forgives us of our sin, and not only that, but he absorbs the hurt and pain we bring upon ourselves as a result of the sin.

The Gospel is such a beautiful, captivating mystery. And humans are funny little creatures.

Sometimes I get mad because it's not easy. It's not easy to be awake. It's easier to be a zombie. It kind of sucks to be a zombie though, because you become calloused, bitter, disgruntled, discontent, and full of despair. It's harder to be awake and to be seeking after God. I think satan tries to throw everything at us to prevent us from getting to know God, and that's why it's so easy to be a zombie. I gravitate towards what satan tells me, especially when he tells me that I'll find fulfillment in this world, and that I'm worthless. What J.D. said this past weekend does make me feel a little better - that life as a christian is struggle. I get mad at the struggle, but if it's normal for us to struggle, then I guess I feel like I'm doing something right.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith . . .
- 1 Peter 5:8-9

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
- Ephesians 5:15-16

Sometimes

2010-05-02T17:01:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, and it actually feels like most of the time lately . . .

I find it so easy just to coast through life. I think I have a really low threshold for boredom and some ADD tendencies . . . those two meshed together are a fabulous recipe for complacency, falling into a rut, and dying spiritually. awesome.

Sometimes I feel like my eyes have started to glaze over and there's just a hollow presence beneath them . . . or like that one scene in Tommy boy where Richard tells Tommy, "I think your brain has a thick candy shell."

Anyway, I find it so easy to get caught up in the little things, all of life's distractions, my own personal agenda. Before I know it, I'm entirely bored, discontent and inwardly focused. I also find myself being indifferent to things that I was once passionate about. I lose sight of the bigger picture, I lose sight of God's heart and desires for not only my life, but for the lives around me.

Somebody just needs to clap some cymbals above my head and wake me up. Life is too short to just sleepwalk through it and let my inward desires and insecurities take the reins.

Jesus didn't die on the cross for lukewarm followers or disciples. I also think it's hurtful to God when we react to His grace and love with indifference, or flat affect (to throw a medical term at you).

Like J.D. said in his sermon this weekend, you're either actively growing spiritually or you're rotting away and being sabotaged by death.

How true . . . and how I can see this in my own life.

What is the cure for this? To become so enthralled, captivated and consumed by the Gospel . . . to let it transform my heart and consequently my paths, my perspective, my day to day decisions and actions.

I really like Paul. I just thought I should give him a shout out. I like what he writes in Colossians, particularly Colossians 3.

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly . . ."
-Colossians 3: 16

Yes . . . I need to let His word dwell in me . . . I need to seek Him daily, I need to get into the scriptures daily. Spending time with God and reading His word is the primary way that He transforms me and reveals Himself to me. With this comes the changes in my desires, the changes or my priorities, the changes of my actions, the removal of my complacency.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
-Romans 12:2

something to chew on

2010-04-28T20:32:00.006-04:00

I'm going to quote part of one of Jon Acuff's posts from today. Please read the entire post here, but I just had to post some of it because it's too good not to read. It's really something that I need to hear, and mull over.

The Gospel is such a huge, powerful, beautiful, mysterious thing that I know I need to meditate on daily . . . and I'm amazed at how much I still have to learn. Here's the excerpt from his post:

I believe we risk a great danger when we try to say that people “go a little too far with the whole ‘Christians are covered by grace’ thing.” And the danger is simply that we downsize grace.

We establish a limit to grace and God’s love. We start to draw boundary lines on grace and it’s not the first time we’ve seen this kind of thing happen.

There was a guy in the Bible who was the worst. He was such a failure. He lied once and got an entire village murdered as a result. A priest and his family were killed because of his lies. He committed adultery. He cheated. He trusted in his own strength instead of the Lord’s. And when he did, when he failed, thousands and thousands of people died as a result. His family suffered from incest and murder and his hands were so covered with wrongfully shed blood that eventually God wouldn’t let him do something really important.

Now imagine if that person was a commenter on Stuff Christians Like. Imagine if they confessed to homicide and adultery and a laundry list of other sins. I mean there have been some crazy comments on this site, but no one has ever said, “I saw this girl online and thought she was really hot, so I slept with her, got her pregnant and then arranged on craigslist for her husband to be killed.” But this guy, the guy in the Bible, he could have left that comment. And if he did, would you or me or the writer of that email instantly think, “He didn’t take grace too far?” No, we’d be horrified. We’d be terrified.

So how is he referred to in the Bible? Here is what God says about him:

“I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart,”

What? Are you kidding God? David, the murderer? The adulterer? That can’t be right.

Surely David himself knows what a mess he’s made. Aren’t we all our worst critics? David knows that there is blood on his hands. How does he describe himself in Psalm 26?

“Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.”

No. No. No. David hasn’t led a blameless life. He hasn’t trusted in the Lord without wavering. He ran away and got people killed by trying to cover up his tracks when he was afraid. How can David say these things? How can God say these things?

Because grace is scandalous.

Grace does not make sense to our tiny human brains. We can’t control it. We can’t draw boundaries and borders on it. And when we try I think it breaks God’s heart.

I think we insult the cross when we act as if we can “out sin” it.

I think we wound our father when we think we can “out filth” his love.

I think we hurt our Christ when we believe that we have found the end of his grace.

I know, I know, I know that it is possible to mistreat the Lord. To blasphemy his name with our actions and our attitudes. David certainly did and he paid the consequences. I don’t think we get discipline or grace. I think we get both. I think discipline is a by product of grace and in my own life I have received large amounts of it.

But above that, I think God understood the grand risk when he offered us grace. A book called “True Faced” called it the New Testament Gamble. I think God knew the risk that we’d misunderstand grace and try to take advantage of it. I think he knew we’d try to find the limits of it with our sinfulness. Which is why he made it limitless, which is why he made grace infinite and never ending.

I don’t know what you’ve done. I don’t know your life or the bumps or bruises. Maybe you actually have murdered more people than David. I don’t know. But I do know, as many readers pointed out on this post, we serve a God who accepts our repentance and confession. We serve a God who when offered a chance to reveal himself to Moses, chose one thing to show, the most important thing, his goodness.

We serve a God who “rises to show us compassion.”

A God who delights in you.

A God who sent his son to the cross not to show the end of his grace, but rather the beginning.

http://www.stuffchristianslike.net

I heart pandora

2010-04-28T13:38:00.008-04:00

And I'm not talking about the planet where the Na'vi live (although that's pretty cool), I'm talking about pandora radio. I have a station that mostly plays Bob Marley, Sublime, 311, Slightly Stoopid, etc. It makes me feel like I'm at the beach grilling in the summertime with a slight breeze blowing through my hair and a drink in one hand. Fabulous.

I haven't blogged in nearly a month so I feel OK with rambling about pointless things as an intro to this post.

I straight up lied at the dentist today. The dental hygienist asked, "you're flossing, right?" and in my head I was saying "no way, lady!" but with my mouth I quickly said "yes," without even blinking. She was nice enough to accept my sheepish response, but my gums don't lie . . . the dentist called me out on it. And then proceeded to tell me how why I should bring floss when I'm backpacking in the deep woods (and how I could fashion a toothbrush out of twigs and other miscellaneous shrubbery).

I don't know why I'm so afraid of getting found out sometimes that I deny my actions with my words, but then something gives me away, like my sore gums after the ole floss and metal pick routine. It's like when you're a little kid and you've got your hand in the cookie jar. Who even owns or uses a cookie jar? Cookies stay fresher if you keep them in those nifty re-sealable packages. I don't buy cookies. Unless I plan to leave them at someone's house. Bogus.

I have recently indulged in reading a little blog called "Stuff Christians Like." It's pretty hilarious - I think everyone should check it out. It's funny because it's true, and sad because it's true. But, there's also some pretty enlightening and convicting stuff in there. I am a huge fan. I think a few favorite posts are the side hug reference and of course the one about Lady GaGa.

I have a hate-love relationship with Starbucks. I hate it because it's a ginormous chain, it's way too trendy, corporate and expensive. I ADORE indie/independent coffee shops, they are my first choice. However, I love Starbucks because it is so close to my apartment, I love the way their coffee and espresso tastes . . . and I love that on tax day, they had free coffee for anyone who brought in their own travel mug. I love that they normally give a discount if you bring in your travel mug instead of getting a paper cup. I love that it only costs 50 cents at the Starbucks at work if you do this. I love how much more their coffee seems to wake me up than other coffees I've tried. I love getting their sugar-free hazelnut in that coffee. I love that they have me thinking more "green." (I think I'm falling into the trap of trendiness - but at least it's for a good cause, right?) . . . now I want to start bringing my own bags when I go grocery shopping too. Oh my.

*end of ridiculous random junk*

I read 1 Kings 1 today, and it's funny how you can miss so much when you read more than just a passage or a few verses at a time.

The commentary that I like to follow zoned in on one verse in particular that King David says to Bathsheba as he is about to hand off the throne to his son Solomon.

And the king took an oath and said, “As the LORD lives, who has redeemed my life from every distress . . ."
-1 Kings 1:29

And I just have to quote Chuck Smith because I could not say it better than he does regarding this passage:

"What a glorious testimony that is. Now he didn't say the Lord kept my soul from all distress.

A lot of times people have a mistaken notion that God somehow is going to give me divine immunity from problems. That somehow I'm going to be immune from any kind of distressing or vexing situation. Not so. As a child of God, I face many distressing situations. I have no immunity from problems, from sufferings, from hurts. Nor will you. But I do know that God will deliver me out of all my distresses.

Now you see, the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian isn't the fact that a Christian doesn't have distresses and doesn't have problems because I have just as much distress and problem as an ungodly person has. The only thing is I have One who redeems me out of them all. The ungodly not so. They've got to make their way the best they can through them or perish in them or whatever. But the Lord will redeem my soul out of all distresses."

Sometimes I definitely feel like as a Christian, I should never be angry, depressed, emotional, hormonal or crazy. If you've ever listened to a Christian radio station, maybe you feel like you should be just as sugar-coated and happy all the time as the DJ's or songs they play. But it's just not true. Life isn't easy - Christian or not. We definitely have problems and hardships, we just go through them differently. Going through crap with God by your side is a lot different than going through life's crap by yourself. And I think that's what the difference is supposed to be.

Burn Out Brighter

2010-03-31T01:58:00.013-04:00

Live, I wanna live inspired
Die, I wanna die for something higher than myself
Live and die for anyone else
The more I live I see this life's not about me

Don't wanna leave this world knowing I breathed in vain
Looked out for myself, so sorry, so ashamed
Don't wanna leave this life knowing I barely tried
To chase down all my dreams that I hid away on the inside
"Burn Out Brighter" - Anberlin

This past weekend I had the privilege of being part of the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston, SC with some amazing girls. There were over 40,000 participants in the race - it was such an awesome experience!

Looking at the aerial shot, it reminds me of how wonderful it is to be a part of something bigger and greater than myself.

It is too easy to believe that I am the center of the story . . . that it's all about me. My priorities topple over, and I become too focused on my circumstances (and those things I think I need to be happy). And let's face it - just like the Motion City Soundtrack song, the future freaks me out. I let fear and worry about provision take the wheel without even realizing it.

God has been gently reminding and directing me of where I need to be. My job is to cast my cares on Him, focus on getting to know Him and to align my life with His purposes and His kingdom. When I am doing this, I find that He gives fulfillment and everlasting joy that nothing in this world could ever provide (and that He takes care of me and provides better than I could have done on my own). His plans are infinitely better than anything I could come up with on my own . . . living for Him and His purposes - living for something so much greater than myself brings amazing freedom and joy.

The church is such an opportunity to be part of something greater. I'm so thankful that through our church, we have the opportunity to be on mission for God, to be committed to living for greater purposes. Not only to do life with other people (let's face it - life is better when shared), but to desire to see this city transformed, lives renewed, to be an extension of the Gospel to our community. We get to see God work in our city, we get to see Him work through our friends and our church. We get to be a part of what God is doing and we get to know Him more which is such a bigger blessing than the accumulation of stuff or status for myself.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
[Matthew 6:33]

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
[Psalm 37:4]

Plus . . . if God is for us, who can be against us? If we align ourselves with His plans and His will for this world, we can be confident and secure - after all, God is sovereign and we know that His purposes prevail.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
[Ephesians 3:16-21]

Island In The Sun

2010-03-22T04:14:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I just don't know how to start a blog. I can't even think of a clever song title to match my writing right now. So I'm just gonna title it . . . the name of the song I'm listening to currently. Anybody remember myspace and how when you blogged you could put "currently listening to" on there? Too bad you can't do that here, or on facebook. I digress.

Well, I just want to say how wonderful it is to see God continually working, renewing, transforming, redeeming and restoring our lives.

Everybody has landmarks (or hopefully should) in their lives, or milestones of where they've seen God tangibly work . . .

For me, the biggest story is from about 3 years ago when I was definitely running from God and His will for my life, chasing after what I thought I wanted, but being openly rebellious and in pursuit of self-fulfillment.

I've always looked back on that time - I consider it my Egypt that God delivered me from. He lovingly pursued me (as stubborn, blinded and rebellious as I am) through it all and delivered me from certain devastating circumstances. I was on a path headed in the wrong direction . . . God removed certain things, re-arranged the external details, and put me back on the path towards Him.

It's funny because I've always thought of it and prayed - thank you God for taking those things out of my life, and for delivering me from those circumstances. Thank you for re-arranging the external.

It's always what's around us, the physical, tangible things that we see first. It's entirely too easy to get caught up in our circumstances, as I know I've been doing lately.

But what He's been opening my eyes to lately is how it's not just the external details. What's more important is that through that time and even now, He is rescuing me and working out my salvation. He is continually working in me, delivering me, restoring me.

I see how wayward my heart was during that time. He orchestrated my circumstances and rescued me from a situation, but the more important work was what He was doing internally.

It's really amazing to have my eyes opened to the bigger picture . . . I feel that I have a better handle on what He's been doing in my life, which naturally allows me to give Him more glory. I can see that it was nothing that I did or deserved, even my faith is a gift from Him - the entire process was God's doing - and I am so thankful.

I don't think I'll ever cease to be amazed at the way our Savior pursues us and draws us back to Himself . . . and how nothing can ever separate us from the love of God through Christ. I am so thankful to have this tangible time to look back on to see a powerful example of God's grace. He was telling me - your salvation was only the beginning. I GOT you. Nothing you do can ever change that - it's you and me now. And what a beautiful, mysterious relationship that we get to have with our Savior. I can't stop thinking about it . . . how He's never going to leave my side, even in the moments where I can't see Him - even in the moments when I'm running and rejecting Him.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
[Romans 8:38-39]

Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.

. . . My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."
[John 10:7-16, 27-30]

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
[Isaiah 40:11]

Again - when you ask God to reveal Himself to you, He will deliver - and then some.

God has also been reminding me that my job is to seek Him through His word, focus on my relationship with Him, His purposes and being obedient. [Matthew 6:25-34, Proverbs 3:5-6, 1 Peter 5:7] I don't need to worry so much about my circumstances - I can leave those details to His loving care. It's funny how life gets in the way sometimes and your priorities/viewpoints get totally skewed. I am so thankful for God's amazing grace, boundless love, endless faithfulness, continual sanctification and patience. It is a mystery I will never comprehend in this lifetime.

2010-03-11T09:49:00.006-05:00

I've said it once, I'll say it again . . . when you pray for God to reveal Himself, and when you sincerely seek Him, He delivers.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
[Philippians 4:4-7]

It's funny how you think you understand something, or you think you've learned something . . . only to return to it later, and have God teach it to you all over again, or at least gain a deeper understanding.

Lately, I've had my eyes opened to a lot of sin . . . some of it mentioned in my last post. Another thing I was doing without realizing was that I was becoming so bitter, angry, and discontent with my circumstances. And wanting to trust in the fact that my circumstances are temporary . . . gaining more comfort from that rather than trusting that no matter what, God is walking with me and seeking Him first.

When people have talked about the peace of God . . . when I've read scripture about it, heard sermons about it, I think I only halfway grasped it. I think it's too easy for me to just try to pray, "God give me peace" and not meditate on Him or His word . . . or for me to just close my eyes really tight and say three times "I have peace, I have peace, I have peace" and then run off, not trying to go deep or spend time with the God of peace.

I wasn't really getting it. The peace of God, as Paul is talking about it, is not a nice little thought you repeat in your head like magic. No, no no . . . and walking with God does not always change our circumstances. Just because I have Christ does not mean He's going to wave a magic wand and give me the things that I want (or think I want).

It means that He's walking with me every day . . . which does not always change my suffering or my circumstances, but it changes how I go through it.

My biggest problem in life is my sin. If God has rescued me from this through Christ, everything else should dim in comparison. If I know that I am totally at peace with God through Christ, if I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God, then my other problems don't take over my life or change my joy or contentment, if those things are found in the Lord.

J.D. has said before in his sermons:

. . . that what we really need is the God of peace. Would you rather have peace in the storm of your life without Jesus, or would you be content to go through the storm with the God of peace?

-Peace is not so much the condition of the waves, but the presence of the master of the waves in the boat with you.
-You know that whatever happens, you will be OK because Jesus in the boat with you.
-So the only way to have peace is not from getting something from God, but having peace with God.
-When you believe that life's greatest possession is God, you have a moderation in life - In Christ we have something better than anything life can give and death cannot take away . . . knowing this makes it so that the lows in life don't devastate you and you don't depend on the highs to make you happy.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
[Romans 8:35-39]

I mean take it from Paul . . . did walking with Christ change the fact that He was suffering in jail? No. But it changed the way he went through his circumstances.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
[Philippians 3:7-9]

. . . for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
[Philippians 4:11-12]

It's as if God is once again opening my eyes for the first time. I feel like these things should have been clear to me before, I can't believe that I haven't fully grasped it before. And maybe I have, but my sin clouded my thoughts and my understanding . . . and now I'm re-learning these things. I'm glad that God is more patient than I am. I'm thankful that He is ridiculously faithful to me and gently teaches me these things, even when I am stubborn, oblivious, and chasing after the wrong things.

What it is to Burn

2010-03-06T10:03:00.003-05:00

It's funny how easily I forget things . . . like how my heart seems to be caked and encapsulated with dirt. It's easy enough to dust it off and feel sufficient for a while, but you can't brush off the dried filth in my valves, hardened vessels and obstructed coronary arteries. I need some invasive procedure for that. Good thing Jesus knows how to revive me . . . because I can't do it.

Anyway . . . I'm recognizing how easy it is for me to ignore and push away certain issues. Certain themes, struggles and sins seem to resurface and help me to realize how much I truly need a savior. Helps me to realize how full of wrath I am by nature, how wretched I truly am - more than I like to acknowledge on a daily basis.

Why is it that it's so much easier to stereotype people, to build up walls, to callous my heart, become bitter and prideful?

It's funny how time makes you more distant and removed from a person, experience or situation. It really makes it easy for you to water someone down, to make them out to be a faceless, emotionless jerk . . . and then from that, you create a stereotype or a prototype . . . using my past wounds as a weapon against an entire genre of people. And that's not really fair, now is it?

It's funny how you become so removed . . . only to revisit concrete, objective things from that time period . . . and then you realize that you were wrong. That person did care, and they weren't the stereotype you made them to be. That puts a crack in my wall . . . which is starting to disintegrate.

But it's a good thing. I want to be wrong. My stereotype is very harsh, dismal and hopeless. It causes my pride to hypertrophy, and that it very sinful. I want to be robbed of my pride, of my stereotypes, of my hostility. Jesus didn't die so that I could be hateful or build walls.

Jesus is the one who dissolved hostility . . . God reconciling Himself to us. If God has shown me such mercy, love, and grace . . . and if scripture teaches oneness in the body of Christ, then it makes sense for me to follow suit. I am called to be an ambassador of Christ, which entails a great deal of love and acceptance, not hostility or stereotyping.

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility . . . His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.
-Ephesians 2:14-17

We Need A Resolution

2010-03-02T09:35:00.009-05:00

Things are starting to get better . . . I think.

By no means am I ever going to fully grasp everything about God in this lifetime, but I can see how He has been growing me, changing me, sanctifying me and revealing Himself to me.

Thank you to those who read and commented on this blog, or talked to me about it in person. I love talking over, thinking through and digesting this stuff with the people God has placed in my life. I know that God works through us and can reveal Himself more through each other.

It's just funny how you can have a specific viewpoint or way of thinking for the majority of your life that becomes disrupted . . . or waved away like a cloud of smoke. Definitely unsettling at first, but incredibly enlightening and even freeing.

I can be really bad at articulating my thoughts, so bear with me.

I don't want to make the big decisions in my life - I want God to call the shots and then direct me there. However . . . if I am living my life for God, seeking God, and evaluating decisions biblically, I should be able to make choices/decisions in freedom and confidence. And I am coming around to see that it's more loving when we have that freedom versus a specific, limited course that has been predetermined.

The traditional view of an individual will, while it still is something that calls to me, can be rather restricting and rigid. What if God did have a very specific, detailed plan for my life that was either the center of a target or tightly coursed map? Well, there is GREAT potential for me blowing it (more like guaranteed that I'd blow it). There is also no flexibility . . . and it makes it seem like God can only work in my life if I'm in this very tight parameter (which seems to put a limit or leash on God's power and sovereignty). But God is bigger than that. He can certainly weave together the details of our lives, whether we're living in Raleigh or Los Angeles.

I still believe that God provided the friends, community, church and job that I have here in RDU. Do I believe that He would provide these things if I lived in another city? yes. That goes against the traditional view of an individual will, if you think about it. But the newer view of God's will says that if I come to a place where I need to make a choice, I should evaluate these choices in light of His Word and the lifestyle He is calling me to, and then freely choose. So - living here or in California. If neither one is morally wrong, I can go whichever way I want and trust that God is going to be with me in either place. I would still trust Him to provide me with a job, friends, church, place to live, food on the table . . . no matter where I was, and I believe He would do so. I see how this is much more freeing than the "target" or "dot" view.

Moreover, the traditional/target/dot view is not supported by scripture, as the book I previously mentioned is pointing out. Yes, scripture states that God is our sheperd, loving father, provider, redeemer, but that does not mean that He has a specific, tight course that I have to figure out. Plus . . . it would be insanely hard for me to even find this specific, individual plan. I don't have the capability to even find something like that - like a needle in a haystack. AND that's putting waaaay too much weight on my abilities - presuming I even have the ability to find some hidden specific plan.

I also realize that I think in extremes, in black and white. It's something about myself that I think is highly entertaining, but dangerous.

I tend to think that either God has predestined and ordained every step and breath, or that He is not working in my life at all.

I'm not saying that God doesn't know my every step and breath, because He does. I'm saying that there's a difference between Him being omniscient and having a bunch of puppets/robots on the earth, where one has no free will or ability to choose in any decision.

I'm coming to still maintain that yes, God did place certain people and circumstances in my life - He does provide for us when we ask (well, and even when we don't ask, hah) - but He does that no matter where we live or work, etc. But there's a difference from seeing that God placed an awesome roommate and group of people in my life, versus the idea that He created me to specifically live here and be friends with these specific people . . . like it our destiny, and if I hadn't lived here, I would have missed God's plan entirely.

Maybe God created me and He's working in me to sanctify me and conform me to the likeness of His Son, as scripture states . . . and in that, things are falling into place. He has given me skills and desires, and allowed me to work as a RN, and given me ministry opportunities - but who's to say those things wouldn't have fallen into place if I decided to be a barista at Starbucks (well, I'd rather do indie coffee) or a school counselor? I did like the idea that God wanted me to be a RN and specifically called me to this profession and my specific workplace, but I'm seeing freedom in this new viewpoint.

I really appreciate what Brent said in response to my last post:

"Your questions are based on the idea that God needs to work on the external cirumstances in order to guide your life on the path He has laid out for you. But can't he just as easily work out the details of your life by working in the internal aspects of your faith, character, and holiness? If God's ultimate purpose is to transform us into the likeness of His Son, then where we live, or what job we have, or who we marry probably won't be the determining factor on whether or not we work out His purpose in our lives."

I think that brings a lot of clarity. Talking to Christen and Julie last night also helped me sort out my thoughts and start see this in a new way as well. Thank you guys (and to Brent and Lacey for commenting on the first post as well!) for sharing and for your insight. I know we're never going to have all the answers, but I do feel a bit refreshed and liberated over this whole thing. Not to say I'm done wrestling with this by any means (hey, I still have to read that book), but things are starting to look better.

Imma be . . .

2010-02-27T11:10:00.002-05:00

confused/frustrated.

I must preface this post by saying that this is merely a venting of my confusion, not at all an outpouring of revelation or any insight. I'm just feeling a little lost and I'm going to express that now.

On a side note, I am SO excited about the recent influx of new bloggers (or return thereof) that I am friends with. It makes me want to write more. But, I also feel like I need something profound or insightful before I can post . . . alas, this post is not going to be either, as I mentioned just now. So with a loud sigh, here I go.

So . . . God's will. God's sovereign will, God's moral will, God's individual will (or the theory of).

I'm here to talk about the idea of God's individual will for one's life . . . and how I am stumped.

I am bad at making decisions for my own life. I want God to take the wheel. I want to trust that my loving Father is guiding my course through everyday life, and that takes a lot of pressure off of me having to make decisions. There are little things I'd like to have the freedom to choose, like what kind of caffeinated beverage I'm going to drink in the morning or how long I'm going to go running, but that stuff is so insignificant that I'm cool with that level of decisiveness resting upon me.

I started reading this book called "Decision Making and the Will of God" by Garry Friesen.

J.D. has also spoken on the will of God . . . how it's more of a direction than a center of a target, more of a compass than a charted map.

I understand that I cannot sit at home and wait for the audible voice of my creator to tell me when to go to the gym, what color shoes I need to wear, or what route to take to get to the mall. I also understand that it would be foolish to rely only on my desires, feelings and opinions throughout the course of my existence, without acknowledging how God might want me to live my life.

So this book is challenging the theory of individual will - does God actually have a specific, individual will for each of us? A course that He desires us to take specifically - what job to take, who to marry, where to live, etc?

So far, what I'm getting is "no." What I'm gathering from the book is that God has a moral will for how He desires every believer to live, and basically you have freedom and responsibility when it comes to decision making. So . . . if I was choosing whom to marry, I would evaluate whether it's a wise decision and if it's in the moral will of God, if it's a Biblical decision, and then go from there. I have that freedom.

Well, I don't know that I like that. I want God to pick out who I'm going to marry. Shoot, I don't even know if there is a future hubby out there. I want God to determine those things and set the course for me, dang it!

I'm having a lot of difficulty trying to understand this - let's be honest, the book is really long and I don't want to read it. I am getting frustrated even writing this blog . . . just thinking about it.

I think the biggest issue is that it's making God feel distant. I've always believed that God is very personal - He created the stars in the sky, but He also knows how many hairs are on my head . . . He knew me before I was born (For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. -Psalm 139:13). He has adopted us to be His children (How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! -1 John 3:1) . . . He personally guided Israel through the desert, He spoke and personally guided Moses, Joshua, David, Paul . . . I could go on.

Which leads me to see God's character. Which leads me to believe that He will guide and direct me . . . that He loves me and is watching over me, that He is in loving control and is orchestrating and weaving together the details of my life.

And I have seen it from experience - from my own life and from others. There are specific areas of my life where, without a doubt, I know that it was God who ordained certain circumstances and outcomes. And from friends - I have seen people be specifically called by God to be missionaries, or to do certain things. My dad truly believes that He was supposed to marry my mom. My grandma told me that God audibly told her that He had chosen my grandfather for her to marry.

So . . . what the crap. I'm just confused now. Have I been misinterpreting scripture? Have I been misinterpreting God's hand in my life? Have people been misled or misinterpreting God's sovereignty?

If God just has a general direction for us to follow, and doesn't have specific details like who to marry, where to live, what job to take . . . then He feels distant. Does this mean that God doesn't care about these things? Does it mean that He really isn't guiding me day to day? That He isn't as personal and intimate as I believe?

I think I'm going to bash my head into the wall. I know that this book is written by a man and it's not scripture, but it's leading me to think that I've been misinterpreting scripture all along, which changes everything. I cannot help but see God's character in scripture which shapes my view of Him and how He is working in my life. I cannot help but see His hand and His ordinance and provision evidenced by events in my own life and of those lives around me.

Yet . . . still insanely frustrated and unresolved over this.

speechless

2010-02-14T18:09:00.003-05:00

Grace is a funny thing. I've always had issues with it. I'm sure that I've already blogged about it, even.

I read 2 Samuel 7 the other day, when God makes a covenant with David . . . He begins by reminding David of all the things He has done for him - then He promises to provide for Israel, and finishes by telling him that the Messiah will be born through David's lineage. (read 2 Samuel 7:8-16 for the details - I tried to sum it up)

What is David's response to this? Remember that David was just this random sheperd kid when God first called him . . .

"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord?

What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign Lord. For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant . . . Do as you promised so that your name will be great forever. Then men will say, 'The Lord Almighty is God over Israel!'"
[2 Samuel 7:18-20,25-26]

David confesses that he is speechless at one point. Then he moves on to point out how all of this will be used to glorify God and make His name famous.

I can't help but wonder . . . how often do we meditate on God's grace, and have a loss for words in response?

How often do we truly realize and meditate on the truth, that we had nothing to do with our salvation? It's not a result of our works or anything on our part. Our salvation is purely a result of God's grace, God's unconditional love for a sinful, broken, adulterous world.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions — it is by grace you have been saved. . . For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast.
[Ephesians 2:4-5,8-9]

I want to be at a point where I am speechless as I marvel over what God has done for me . . . and then overflow with praise. I want to be able to fully grasp His grace . . . it's hard for my human brain to do so. It's easier for me to not digest it, or only think about it on a surface level, or as if it was thing of the past.

Shine

2010-02-08T10:19:00.005-05:00

Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:15-16

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world . . .
-Philippians 2:14-15

as he came down from the mountain, Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God. Aaron and all the people of Israel saw Moses, and behold, the skin of his face shone . . .
-Exodus 34:29-30

I was reading The Irresistible Revolution last night (which is an awesome book, by the way - thanks Lori!) and the author tells the story of a woman he meets on the streets, how she perceives him and his friends when they show her hospitality by bringing her into their house:

"As soon as we entered the house, she started weeping hysterically. Michelle held her as she wept. When she had gained her composure, she said, 'You are all Christians, aren't you?' Michelle and I looked at each other, startled. We had said nothing about God or Jesus, and our house doesn't have a cross in the window, a neon 'Jesus Saves' sign, or even a little Christian fish on the wall. She said, 'I know that you are Christians because you shine. I used to be in love with Jesus like that, and when I was, I shined like diamonds in the sky, like the stars. But it's a cold dark world, and I lost my shine a little while back. I lost my shine on those streets.'"

I had to stop reading and take it in. I must ask - do we look different to the world? Among the darkness, do we truly shine? I hope the answer is yes. I want to shine the way Moses' face did after He talked to the Lord . . . I want to shine the way Paul is telling us to in Philippians, the way Jesus instructs in Matthew.

I have seen my friends shine . . . and it is a beautiful privilege to witness it.

About 3 1/2 years ago, I was at my friend (and awesome mentor) Emma's wedding. The focus of the ceremony wasn't so much on her and her husband, it was on God. It might be the most memorable wedding I've been to, honestly.

The ceremony was so worshipful, from the praise songs throughout our time there, to Pastor Kelly's message. We sang "Angus Dei" (one of my favorite worship songs), and I couldn't help but marvel at Emma as she freely, passionately, without abandon, worshiped her King. She radiated. I thought to myself, I wish I was in love with Jesus like that. I was actually jealous of her passion for the Lord.

A year later, I was running from Christ, pursuing counterfeit gods and seeking my own agenda instead of God's. I was watching Fuse and the music video for "All Around Me" by Flyleaf came on.

That same, passionate, undeniable worship. I watched Lacy in the video and that same jealousy came back. Again, I thought - I wish that I loved Jesus like she does . . . I wish I had that kind of passion, I wish I was that close to God.

Do our lives cry out with passion and worship to God? When people look at us, do they see hearts that overflow with praise and adoration? I want my life to be a gigantic arrow pointing to Christ . . . I want to shine like diamonds . . . inviting the world to fall in un-abandoned, reckless love with their Savior.

Confessions

2010-01-29T23:03:00.003-05:00

I think I might be onto something.

I have come to realize that I have a few thought processes that (shocker) may be in err, and misconceptions if you will.

I feel that unless I move to another state or another country, I'm not really being a good follower of Jesus. I feel like if I stay here, I cannot make a difference and I cannot be living radically enough.

I feel like I have to make dramatic changes to my life in order to truly be following Christ. I feel like I have to sell everything I have, quit my job, and move out of the area in order to truly be living the way He wants me to.

I feel like my life is too ordinary, too comfortable, too "normal" . . . too much like everyone else's. Does my life look different? Does my claim to be a Christian actually hold any weight, or am I living the way that the rest of the world is?

Talking to my parents this afternoon helped me realize some of my misconceptions.

I will admit that yes, I do tend to feel guilty about my circumstances. For the family I was born into, the lifestyle that I have been born and raised in, the education that I was given, the job, living circumstances, and current surroundings that I am in. I have way more than I deserve, and yes - I feel guilty about it.

I think about people less fortunate than myself, and I feel guilty or wrong for having what I do. Maybe that's part of the reason why I feel like I have to make such drastic changes. I don't know.

My parents tried to tell me that I have a talent - nursing . . . and I can use that gift to help people. They also tried to tell me that it's not wrong to have a well-paying job, and that it's not wrong to have money . . . after all, the more money you have, the more you can give away. They have volunteered time and resources that they would not have been able to if they didn't have money.

I still have a hard time with this.

But what if, instead of feeling guilty for the circumstances, material blessings and resources that I have . . . what if I used those to reach out to those around me? What if I tried to reach out here in RDU, instead of feeling like I'm no good unless I'm in a different state or different country? What if I viewed my workplace as a mission field? What if I am here for a reason . . . and what if God really does want me here right now?

This hurts my head. I'm still feeling rather lost, restless and worthless if I stay in my present circumstances.

I really just want to know what it means to LIVE out the Gospel, not just claim to be a "believer" of it, if that makes sense. I do not want to conform to the pattern of this world - I want to live the way Jesus is calling me to. If I can use my skills, gifts, abilities, resources and profession to do that, it would be amazing. Maybe I'm short-sighting God and myself when I feel that I have to move out of RDU in order to live the way I'm called. Why not start trying to live it out now, despite my current circumstances? Why not use what God has given me, in the area He has placed me currently? Hmmmm . . .

Again . . .it all falls to this - I want my life to be a huge arrow pointing to Christ. I want my life to shout the Gospel. I just don't know how to do that.

Monster

2010-01-25T09:16:00.005-05:00

I'm sick of it.

I'm also very impatient.

I'm sick of my comfortable American lifestyle . . . sick of living in a bubble.

Sick of the American dream being shoved down my throat and into my system. Sick of chasing a status, a number, a self-image.

God has been graciously reminding me that I am not my own - I was, indeed, bought at a price.

. . . You are not your own; you were bought at a price . . .
- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

". . . the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
- Matthew 20: 28

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession . . .
-Ephesians 1:13-14

If I am truly not my own, then I am daily laying down my own desires at His feet and surrendering the plans that I've made for myself into His loving hands. Yes, this is scary. Yes, this can feel risky. Yes, it shows me how weak my faith is and how much I have been depending on myself and my own decision making skills.

Jesus said that anyone who wants to follow Him, they would have to do this.

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
-Mark 8:34-35

Do we take His words seriously? Do we even know what that means?

Jesus did not die on a cross so that I could occupy a seat at church, listen to "christian" music, and then mill around the other 6 days of the week, chasing the "American dream" . . . destined to get a good name for myself, make a comfortable living and be neatly framed in a white picket fence.

It's not enough for me to know the Gospel. But then again . . . if I truly know the Gospel, that means living the Gospel, not just reading it. And what does that look like?

I am so afraid of complacency and the mediocre, yet I feel that's what my life is currently. It's not enough for me to talk about ideas, dream, and vision cast.

Jesus got his hands dirty. He hung out with the poor, the destitute, the misunderstood, the outcasts. I need to not be afraid to get my hands dirty. I need to become allergic to my comfort zone.

I have been dreaming of working with a church plant for over a year now. It's exciting to think about something like this - hypothetically. When it comes time to take action, it's rather unsettling.

I was talking with a friend about it Saturday night, and she was encouraging me to live the way I say I want to live - more radically, and different from my peers. But then, fear started to creep in. The gods of comfort, security, self-reliance started to tear away at the flesh of my heart and make a claim over it.

I thought . . . but I want to get married one day, I want to have a family, I want to have a secure job.

Really, Sarah? Is God only allowed to provide for you if you're staying in this area and relying on what your human eyes can see and what your 24-year-old human brain can comprehend and predict?

I'm really underestimating, doubting and short-sighting God when I do this. I'm putting Him in a nice little box and telling Him what He can and can't do . . . what areas of my life He's allowed to touch, and which areas I'm gonna buckle down and take care of myself.

Really?

I amaze myself with my stubbornness, lack of faith . . . and the amount of credit I give myself in decision-making.

I need to take a step back . . . and rely on Him to take care of the pieces of my life falling into place in His timing and in His loving control.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

So, red light flashing here. It says that HE will make my paths straight, not YOU will make your own paths straight. Duh.

Anyway . . . I'm so convinced that God does not call us to live a life where we acknowledge Him for a few hours on Sunday and then take the reins back over our own lives. I'm so convinced that He did not die on a cross to see lukewarm "christians" be lazy, complacent and self-seeking. That includes me, whom I'm preaching to.

I keep on living as if my universe (my bubble, or RDU) is the only thing that's out there. I keep on convincing myself that it's all about me.

But it's not! Once again . . . the world does not revolve around me, as much as I'd like it to. I am not my own . . . God reminds me that in His word, and He reminded me of that when He saved Tori & I on the side of a mountain a few weeks ago.

Why am I so shackled to the world? I love having community, having a group of friends, being close to my family, having a church home, having a stable job. I love being comfortable. I want to get married and have a family. I don't want to lose these things.

Do I love those things enough for them to hold me back from something greater? After all, what is the privilege of marriage compared to the greatness of knowing Christ? I have such restlessness in my heart - an urge to just DO something, but not sure what. I want to live in a way that points to Christ. I want to look people in the eyes and tell them that their redeemer, their rescuer wants a relationship with them . . . that they are loved and valued more than they can even imagine. That a better life is right here.

What in the world am I going to do with myself? Work with church planting? Go to Haiti? Change my lifestyle? Surrender my dreams and hopes to the One who created me, trusting that He knows what's truly best for me, no matter how much I want to hold onto my own plans?

I have no clue. I told God that if He would provide a way for me to go, I'll go. Whatever it is. I want to go. I don't even know what that means right now, but I want to do it.

Vapor

2010-01-11T12:50:00.003-05:00

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
- John 15:13

I have seen God's answer to prayer in the past week. Lately, I've been praying that God would give me a burden for the lost, and I can see Him stirring that up in me.

But what does it mean to be burdened? What do I ask for when I ask for the Gospel to lay this on me?

I re-listened to Jason Gaston's sermon from October, and he laid it out pretty well. He talked about Paul's urgency in Romans.

I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit— I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers . . .
-Romans 9:1-3

Paul has a pretty serious claim here . . . essentially, that he's willing to go to hell for his brothers, if that means he could save them.

It is a claim that I could honestly not make myself.

When we think of the lost, are our hearts stirred within us? Do we have sorrow and anguish as Paul did? Do we feel a burden for these people, who do not know the Lord?

I think the way I most see it manifested is when someone dies, and I am unsure of their standing with the Lord. What saddens me is not so much that their life on this earth was taken from them, but the thought of hell absolutely terrifies me and brings me grief.

The thought of being in a place that is hidden from God's face, tormented for eternity . . . horrifies me. It is something that I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

The thought of hell makes me want to run out into the street and become one of those crazy preachers you see on college campuses. OK, maybe I wouldn't be that harsh, but you know what I mean. It makes me want to throw all caution to the wind and go nuts, yelling and preaching all day long.

If I was in a room with someone who didn't know God, and there was some ultimatum where one of us had to die, I daresay I would take the bullet. I would rather die at an early age, knowing what awaited me on the other side . . . than know that the other person had to face the reality of hell. I would rather die in their place and have them be saved on my accord.

I know that is a very bold statement and it's all hypothetical, but I hope and pray that if it did come down to it, God would give me the courage and ability to make that sacrifice. After all, this life is way too fleeting and temporary.

What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
-James 4:4

Jesus, take the wheel

2010-01-08T08:34:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I was reminded of God's grace, sovereignty, protection and presence . . . on the side of a mountain.

We had a retreat in Gatlinburg, TN earlier this week for the college ministry . . . a few girls and I left early due to snow that was coming - there was a chance we'd get snowed in for an extra day or two, and none of us really wanted to get caught in it.

It was hardly snowing when we left the cabin, so we thought we were golden - and we took the winding mountain roads around Cherokee because that route saved about an hour from the trip, and hey - the weather didn't look bad.

Well, we were almost out of the winding roads and by this point it had been snowing more heavily and pretty steady. the road was white for the majority of the roads, but it was just dust - nothing sticking.

However, as we came around a corner, I looked up and saw a ford explorer coming towards us, fishtailing out of control. There was a truck in front of us that had come to a complete stop . . . that I actually didn't see - I couldn't take my eyes off of the explorer, and I was sure he was going to hit the truck in front of us.

Did I mention we were in a sedan?

Next thing I know, Tori, who was driving, starts saying "hold on!" . . . she hit the brakes, but there was ice beneath us - and she was losing control. We were going to hit the back of the truck, and then land in the ditch on our side of the road, so I held on and tried to prepare myself for impact.

Well, the impact never came . . . so I opened my eyes. To both of our surprise and shock, everyone was on the road, and no one had crashed.

We had another one of the girls, Katie, following us in her sedan - who had successfully stopped behind us.

RIDICULOUS.

All I could do was pray - thank you Jesus for what you just did, but PLEASE get us off of this mountain! We cannot handle any more excitement!

None of us could believe what just happened. I didn't even see Tori drive around the truck because I closed my eyes! Somehow, her sedan passed the truck without hitting the truck or landing in the ditch . . . and on the other side of the road, the ford explorer had finally come to a stop, without hitting anyone on the road.

I still cannot believe it.

It was one of those moments where you know that God just intervened. It was as if He put a shield around our car, and then grabbed our car like a little kid playing with matchbox cars.

It was such a reminder of God's faithfulness, provision, protection and sovereignty.

And what did we do to deserve it? That's where the grace comes in.

I mean . . . so many things could have happened. All 4 cars could have collided, it could've happened at a more steep part of the mountain, someone could've gone off the side of the mountain . . . if someone was going faster or if the timing had been different, we could've had a nice visit to the hospital, or worse.

I am so thankful and amazed at what happened . . . it was scary, but such a huge reminder of God's provision, sovereignty and faithfulness.

I can't stop saying it.

Anyway . . . isn't it funny, these moments where everything becomes so clear? It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day grind and monotony . . . sometimes we feel that God is far away or He's not working in our lives. But then, you go on a retreat to Gatlinburg, almost die, and God says - hello, I've been here along. Why is your faith getting weak, crazy? I GOT you on lockdown!

I almost wish I could have situations like that every day. God needs to hit me upside the head and remind me of how He's always right by my side, guiding and protecting me.

And yet, he has the grace to do so in such amazing ways. And He still loves me and grows me when I'm being stupid and stubborn.

I love these moments where I can clearly see God's hand in my life. Those times when there is not even a trace of doubt in my mind that God just did something. Like breaking up with my ex a few years ago and the healing that came, my current roommate situation, the selling of my car and buying my current car, and this.

God is kind and gracious enough to give us these moments. And I am so thankful.

I just don't know if I want to go back to the burg anytime soon. ;)

Identity theft

2010-01-04T10:50:00.004-05:00

I have an identity crisis more often than not.

I have sin and idols that like to pop in and tear me down when I'm least expecting it.

A huge one is just this - finding my identity in anything and everything but God.

We had a guest speaker this weekend at Summit, and I'm really glad he addressed this.

He pointed out how we tend to get our identity from 3 places:

-Production (human doings versus human beings)
-Recognition (who listens to us, accepts us, agrees with us for validation)
-Sociality (relying on relationships, the thought of being alone is terrifying)

I know that these three are certainly true in my own life. How easy it is to get validation and worth from how busy I am, how much I've accomplished, who my friends are, who accepts me, who agrees with me and how many social events I get invited to.

If I had no job, no agenda/schedule, no friends . . . how would I feel? Would I feel worthless and rejected? Yes.

I mean, this blog can even be counter-productive. I feel more validated if I know someone is reading this, and even more so when they comment or agree with me.

How often do I chase after things and people to give me validation and worth? How often do I measure myself by how full my schedule is, the clothes I wear, the people I know, my relationship status, the attention I get, the job I have, the hours spent at the gym, my outward appearance, my own self-acceptance, etc. etc.?

Living in our culture certainly is no help to any of this.

Another way to ask the question is - who is the authority over my life? Who do I run to when I question my identity or value?

Do I believe that I am who God says I am? Do I live in His reality? Do I trust Him with my deepest questions? Do I believe that He is victorious over every area of my life, especially the areas that the devil is claiming right now?

Do I chase after validation from things and people of this world, or do I rest in His embrace . . . knowing that in a world rejecting me, He accepts me and loves me without condition. And He always has. He died for each and every one of us. Even those who are hostile toward Him. If that's not love and acceptance, I'm not sure what is.

And who does God say that we are?

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation the old has gone, the new has come! All this from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ . . .
-2 Corinthians 5:17-18

. . . he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ . . . In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
-Ephesians 1:4-8

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!
-1 John 3:1

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
-Ephesians 2:4-5

So there you have it. A new creation, redeemed, reconciled, adopted as sons/daughters, holy and blameless, loved and accepted. And that's the short list.

Thank goodness that God is patient with me. I may be a new creation, but the old me likes to break through a lot. My unbelief and distrust sure do manifest themselves in a lot of ways. I find that most of my problems stem from unbelief. Again - thank the Lord for grace, patience and steadfastness.

It's so much easier for me to measure myself by the world's standards. It's so much easier to believe that I am worthless and rejected. It's so much easier for me to try to chase and work for validation. It's so much easier to believe that I will never be enough. It's my default to try to take comfort in the world and people.

Hallelujah for a God who is so much bigger than my own understanding, self-worth . . . and for a Savior who has overcome the world and claimed victory over every painful part of our lives.

Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light


Be thou my wisdon and thou my true word
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son
Thou in my dwelling, and I with thee one

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art

High King of heaven, my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

Time

2010-01-03T09:39:00.002-05:00

I think I need to stop drinking coffee when I have my quiet time.

All I want to do is jump up from the table, do my laundry, hit the gym, run all my errands . . . and we all know how easy it is to get distracted when we should be spending time with the Lord. I'm getting too hyper to sit still . . . and this brings me on to my next point. Patience.

One thing I'm noticing about David as I read 1 Samuel is his patience and humility right now.

He's in a period of waiting . . . like what J.D. preached about a few weeks ago.

Think about it. David was anointed as king way before he took the throne. He was anointed as king before the whole death match against Goliath. Saul kept the throne until his death, much later.

Wouldn't that be hard? To know that you were the next king, but you had to wait? How would you battle the temptation of pride . . . and to take matters into your own hands?

Instead, David served and obeyed Saul, and sought after what the Lord had for him during this period of waiting.

David is even hesitant to marry Saul's daughter and become the son-in-law of the reigning king at the time.
["Do you think it is a small matter to become the king's son-in-law? I'm only a poor man and little known." -1 Samuel 18:23]

I know it's true that during these times of waiting, God is growing us, maturing us, and disciplining us. We probably wouldn't be fully prepared or equipped for whatever it is, if it happened when we wanted it to. It just can be so much easier to wish the time away, and only look forward to what the future holds.

However, everything happens on God's time table, not ours. There's a reason why everything happens when it does . . . the only hard part is, God knows the reason . . . and most of the time, we don't (until it's over).

seeing isn't believing

2009-12-30T10:26:00.005-05:00

Listening to Danny Franks on Sunday convicted me/reminded me that while it's easy enough for me to open up scripture and read (or sometimes skim - yikes.), I need to study and meditate on God's word - and one good way to do this is by reflecting and writing.

I can get in a streak of writing in my journal for a while, then I just get lazy/"busy"/forgetful. It's when I write about my readings that, as Danny said, the text really comes to life. God reveals so much to me when I'm spending time unpacking and digesting His word. I not only can gain understanding, but insight - and discover how I can actually apply what I'm reading to daily life. I can see God most at work in me when I'm investing and soaking rather than skimming.

I write all of this to encourage anyone reading to do the same, and to preface this post.

So I read 1 Samuel 17 this morning, which is the story of David and Goliath.

It's funny sometimes reading these stories in the Old Testament - even though I know the outcome, I still get a little bit captivated and nervous for David.

So, as a little bit of background (and paraphrasing) . . . the scene is this:

The Israelites and Philistines are about to have it out. Each army is on one side of this valley, and they're waiting to see who's gonna make the first move.

So then, this over-9-feet-tall gargantuan dude, covered in armour, well-fitted with weapons comes storming out of the Philistine camp with a giant smirk across his face. He's all like - Aight. I gotta deal for you fellas (well, he was a little more insulting than that). If one of you little Israelites is bold enough, come step up to this pretty line and fight me - mano-e-mano. If you can kill me, we'll all become your servants. But if I win, then you will become our subjects and serve us. Now . . . who want it?!!

And of course, what is the Israelites response?

On hearing the Philistine's words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.
[1 Samuel 17:11]

Can you see their hopelessness and fear? How it must've gripped them - and I'm sure they felt doomed to fail. They looked around at their army, their resources and then compared it to that of the Philistine's.

But this went on for 40 days. So every day, this giant was prancing out before the Israelites, taunting them with his size - daring someone to step forth.

Again - despair, fear, hopelessness must've paralyzed Saul and his army.

Well, God has a funny way of using the most unlikely people to do His work and display His love and glory.

So this random kid (and he's actually been anointed to be king, but Saul doesn't know that yet), David, comes traipsing up to the camp to check on his older brothers and get a report on how this whole war thing is panning out.

And he sees this punk Goliath, defying the Lord, shouting at and mocking the Israelites. Somehow, he gets the idea that he's gonna take this dude down.

So . . . he proposes the idea to Saul, and Saul's like - no way man. You haven't even hit puberty. But David's like - hear me out! I watch over my dad's flock, and one time, a lion snatched up a sheep . . . so I marched over there and took it out of his mouth. When he turned on me, I killed the lion. And it happened with a bear too. So if God delivered me from a lion and a bear, surely he'll deliver me from this giant.

So Saul's like - fine, have at it.

So, Goliath takes a good hard look at David and laughs to himself . . . and continues to taunt and curse him.

"Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!"

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands."
[1 Samuel 17:44-47]

And we all know how the story ends - David, wearing no armor and carrying nothing but a slingshot, launches one stone into Goliath's dome and it's over.

I'd like to point out a few things about David and what we can learn from this. David didn't see as the other Israelites in the army did. He wasn't crippled by fear, and he didn't limit God's ability to work by his ability to see. (the abilities and resources he saw before him). He saw this battle as Almighty God versus a human Philistine, not tiny David versus the all-around champion and giant Goliath.

Once he saw this battle as the Creator of the universe versus a creation, it was clear who was going to come out on top.

He had amazing faith. He stood very firm and confident that God was not only going to deliver this Philistine into their hands, but the entire Philistine army. It was obvious to everyone that David didn't stand a fighting chance against this dude. However, David wasn't relying on himself or his resources (I mean, he didn't even have any) at all. He was relying fully on the Lord.

So David . . .

-recognized that this was God's battle, not his. He fully trusted and relied on God to do everything. He saw that God was much bigger than Goliath, an army, or any form of weapon.
-didn't rely on what he could see (his circumstances), his abilities, resources or strengths.
-was completely fueled (and very firm) by faith, not fear or pride.
-was at rest, fully confident in what God was going to do.
-went into this for the Lord's fame and glory, not his own.

What if we all had faith like David's? What if we had the same trust, ability to rest and stand firm with confidence in all areas of our lives?

What if we quit freaking out because of the horrible scenarios we picture in our minds when we think about the future? What if we quit worrying about the future based on our limited viewpoint, current resources and circumstances?

What if we trusted that God was going to win the battle in our lives, whatever it may be? (our doubts, lack of faith, future plans, personal flaws, baggage, wounds, heartaches, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, struggles, shortcomings)? That it's ultimately His war, not our own. Knowing that He is going to take care of us, just as he took care of David and the Israelites.

Random

2009-12-29T19:45:00.002-05:00

As I am working to train for an 8k or 10k this spring (that's right . . . I upped my mileage), I can't help but draw a few parallels between daily physical training and my daily walk with God.

I think I could go on and on, so this list is not all-inclusive . . . just what popped into my head first.

1. I'm in this for the long haul. This is gonna require persistence, patience and consistency.

- If I'm gonna do this right, it's requiring behavior change - on a daily basis. If I'm only doing this for a get-thinner-quicker scheme, it ain't gonna work. If I'm going to be successful in completing a 10k, I've got to condition my body - over time. I can't go from 0 to 10k overnight.

- Sanctification is a life-long process. It takes time. God is working in me every day - and thankfully He is gracious and patient enough to walk with me and guide me every single day. Over time, I can see Him transforming me and revealing Himself to me. But I also must be seeking Him daily and communing with Him daily - not just once a week at church or Bible study.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.
-Philippians 1:6

2. I'm going to face the danger of a plateau effect, distractions, laziness or my ADD-ness.

- I cannot become complacent in my walk with God. Just as I should not have the same spiritual maturity I did two years ago, I can't only run two miles one day and expect to complete a 10k the next day.

-There will be times that it will be hard to get back on track with my exercise plan, or times that obstacles get in the way of me spending time with God (the struggle to prioritize life, distractions, ADD-ness and laziness factor). But it's when we persevere that we grow and change.

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
- 1 Peter 2:2-3

Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly.
- 1 Corinthians 1-3

3. If I lose sight of my goal or prize, I'm susceptible to losing motivation or just going back to my old ways.

- Just as training for a race gave me new perspective, purpose and drive to get in better shape, if I lose sight of my first love, I will fall back into my old patterns of destruction and despair.

. . . let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
-Hebrews 12:1-3

those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:31

More Than A Woman

2009-12-28T14:08:00.002-05:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I struggle with the issue of beauty.

I hate it because I don't consider myself very girly at all.

If I'm being honest, I don't feel beautiful unless I get dressed up, do something with my hair, put on heels and makeup. Which hardly ever happens anymore. I used to go out with my girlfriends in college and get dressed up, but for some reason I don't do it often enough now.

I also don't feel beautiful unless someone tells me that I am . . . but if it comes from family or other girls, it doesn't count.

When I was in a relationship, I felt beautiful. When my ex told me I was pretty, I believed it.

. . . but other than that, I walk around, believing that I am generally unattractive and moderately invisible, just a random chick under the radar, unnoticed.

I guess I could blame myself, for mostly wearing jeans and t-shirts, and usually not wearing very much makeup.

Why is it that we as women struggle with this? And who defines beauty anyway? What does it mean to be beautiful? Is it subjective . . . as they say, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

God created us in His image . . . and He is both beautiful and captivating. Is that why we long to be so? Did God put a desire to be beautiful in women?

. . . or is it a result of the fall? When God told Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." [Genesis 3:16]

Does that mean that we, as a result of sin, are cursed to desire the praise and approval of man . . . and this is why we want to be seen as beautiful? So that we will be acknowledged, accepted and sought after by a man?

Or, again - are we meant to be beautiful? Is it placed on us by God?

Or is beauty just another idol and evidence of my sinful condition?

Well . . . clearly this is not a new issue or struggle. The Bible speaks of beauty . . .

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
-Proverbs 31:30

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
- 1 Peter 3:2-4

So what should we be more concerned with? The fading and fleeting nature of outward appearance, or the unfading beauty of inward appearance and character as Godly women?

I was also reminded of this today, reading 1 Samuel . . . when God is about anoint David as the new king, and Samuel thinks that David's brothers look more fitting than he does, but God tells him . . .

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
- 1 Samuel 16:7

If the only one whose acceptance and approval of us matters, God, looks at our hearts and inward appearance . . . where should more of our time and energy be focused?

And I'm not trying to write off outward appearance altogether. After all, if I end up getting married, my husband better find me attractive and vise-versa. It's just a matter or what is more important, and seeking God's opinion on stuff like this.

Beauty is definitely a struggle for us as women, but to know that our Father loves us unconditionally, no matter what we're wearing, how much we weigh or if guys find us attractive.

I also find that when I struggle with beauty, I'm seeking the approval and acceptance of man. But man was never intended to give us validation or reconciliation. Plus, it's inevitable that we'll all get saggy in some places later in life.

If we find all of the approval, validation and satisfaction from Christ . . . which is the only source of lasting joy, refuge and life, our need to be found beautiful will be in His eyes.

the first noel

2009-12-24T10:14:00.005-05:00

I wanna dedicate this blog to Linus and Charlie Brown . . . in all the Christmas specials and movies, at least Linus knew the true meaning of Christmas.

I've been singing a lie for 24 years (or less . . . I'm sure I wasn't singing/listening to this song when I was one.):

The first Noel the angel did say
Was to certain poor shepherds
in fields as they lay;
In fields as they lay, keeping their sheep,
On a cold winter's night that was so deep.

PAUSE - come on, people. Who wrote this song? Do you really think that sheperds would be out chillin' (well, maybe literally) with their sheep on a cold winter's night?

They didn't have carhartt, north face or columbia jackets back then . . . not even under armour. Plus, (as watching a recent episode of The Big Bang Theory reminded me) - our celebrating Christmas sort of conveniently coincides with an old pagan holiday around the winter solstice. Christians just happened to merge what we know as Christmas with this in an attempt to Christianize it (if that's even a word). All that to say, Jesus definitely wasn't born in the winter time.

They looked up and saw a star
Shining in the east beyond them far,
And to the earth it gave great light,
And so it continued both day and night.

And by the light of that same star
Three wise men came from country far;
To seek for a king was their intent,
And to follow the star wherever it went.

This star drew nigh to the northwest,
O'er Bethlehem it took it rest,
And there it did both stop and stay
Right over the place where Jesus lay.

Then entered in those wise men three
Full reverently upon their knee,
and offered there in his presence
Their gold, and myrrh, and frankincense.

Then let us all with one accord
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord;
That hath made heaven and earth of naught,
And with his blood mankind hath bought.

The rest of the song is totally legit. I really do like this song, I just think the beginning is funny. I mean, amongst all of the myths and random stuff that we have during this season, you'd think that we would at least get the songs about Jesus right.

an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

-Matthew 1:20-23

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

-Luke 2:8-15

. . . I really like what Zechariah prophesies about after the birth of John The Baptist concerning Jesus:

"And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High;
for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him,
to give his people the knowledge of salvation
through the forgiveness of their sins,
because of the tender mercy of our God,
by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
to shine on those living in darkness
and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace."
-Luke 1:76-79

Merry Christmas :) . . . I hope everybody takes time this season to reflect on what and why we really celebrate.

an addendum to bitterness

2009-12-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

This is an addendum to the post titled "hide and seek" . . .

And let me start by stating that I have no original thoughts. Just in case that wasn't known.

It's so easy for me to become bitter and cynical when I am in a period of waiting, or when something in life has disappointed me. In this case, it's guys and my desire for relationship and marriage.

Plus, when all you've known is a failed relationship, when all you see is guys that are not interested or just too immature . . . when all I know about sex is what the media portrays (and clearly, it's very unattractive) . . . when I have a million fears about relationships (which I'm sure consist of a lot of misconceptions) . . . it's so easy to become angry and frustrated.

Maybe I just haven't seen enough of what it's supposed to look like (a healthy relationship/marriage), or maybe I'm just becoming hardened by a period of waiting.

God is going to provide, whether that means one day getting married, or that He will give me peace about the whole thing and take my desire for marriage away.

In the meantime, how do I prevent this process that has already started? Well, J.D.'s message last week stuck out to me on the issue of waiting and bitterness.

What if there was a purpose to the waiting? What if it's not by chance or an accident that I'm single? What if God is developing me, shaping me, working though I don't realize it . . . and that there are crucial things about me He needs to change in this season of my life?

Am I going to harbor bitterness or trust God with my future?

If I become tired of waiting on God and take things into my own hands, I could be aborting work that God is doing in me right now.

Plus . . . I need some strengthening of my faith. If I'm not firm in my faith, I will not be firm at all (Isaiah 7:9).

. . . if I'm not more firm in my faith, how can I say no to bitterness?

I need to relax and remember that God is never late. He is in complete, loving control of our lives - over our paths, over our provision, over our desires and hopes and dreams. I need to surrender my bitterness and trust that what He intends for my life is far better than anything I can try to come up with . . . whether that involves marriage or not.

Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do is to rest in Him . . . and to know how much He loves us and is sovereign over every situation.

Just to know that God is doing something in each of our lives . . . to have faith and confidence in that . . . to quit trying to fit the puzzle pieces of life together on our own efforts . . . just to rest, and trust.

Seasons

2009-12-16T08:18:00.004-05:00

I will be the first to admit that I do not like winter. (and it's not even winter yet).

I love the spring and summer . . . tank tops, mini skirts, beach trips, driving around with all of my windows down, soft summer nights, being able to do almost everything outdoors, the fact that it stays light outside after 8pm . . .

But I gotta say - I'm glad God gave us seasons. I think if it didn't get so cold and dry in January & February, I wouldn't appreciate the warmer months. Honestly, I'd get sick of it being the same temperature year round. And there are different things to enjoy in each season, not just my favorite ones.

There's something beautiful in waking up and seeing the sun with a huge halo around it because of the clouds covering the sky. Hot soup, chili and coffee taste so much better when it's freezing outside. Even certain music sounds better when it's cold outside.

And God gives us seasons in our life. If we didn't go through struggles, I doubt we'd appreciate the good times. If we didn't go through waiting periods, would we appreciate His goodness when He answers our prayers? If we didn't have the winters in our lives, could we delight in the spring as much?

beautiful

2009-12-15T10:27:00.002-05:00

Can I just say what a difference purpose and intentionality can make?

This really stood out to me, of all places, at the gym.

For the longest time, I was running and working out primarily to burn calories and drop weight I've gained since college.

But a few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to run a 5K in the spring . . . so then my runs started to have a purpose and intention - to build endurance for a future race.

I actually respect my body when I'm trying to train and prepare, versus trying to destroy it out of hatred for the sake of a number I see on the scale.

Now my intent at the gym is to see a higher number or mileage on the treadmill, not the length of time I spend on it . . . which really can make a difference. Before, I was so frustrated with lack of progress and change - but for me, there's not too much motivation when you're working out in hatred to punish yourself . . . I was left feeling like I was hitting my head against a wall. I'm much more driven (not to mention with a healthier attitude) when I have a bigger purpose to the gym.

So all that to say - what a change having purpose and different point of view can have. I want to apply this change of perspective to all areas of my life, not just my fitness regimen.

We can truly make a difference when we do things with true intention.

Hide And Seek

2009-12-07T13:46:00.003-05:00

I don't know how to transition into this subject, so I'm just going to catapult into it.

I hate how our society and culture is so overly saturated with sex.

Our media worships sex and the god of beauty.

Every time I'm at the gym, my eyes naturally gravitate towards the 10+ TV screens suspended from the ceiling. MTV, lifetime, daytime soaps are always on - and it's always sex. I either try to divert my gaze, or just run in front of the sports channels instead.

One day I walked into the break room at work, and "vanilla sky" was on - and of course, I had to walk in during the sex scene between Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz. One of my coworkers was talking to me, and I attempted to turn my back to the TV, but it was still in my peripheral vision. Normally I would've turned it off, but I guess I thought it would be too awkward to interrupt her to walk over and turn it off.

Turn on G105 (or any popular radio station) and lady gaga or britney come on - "poker face" and "3" . . . I need not say any more.

And it's not just that the media is showing people making out or hinting at the idea of sex. The lyrics in these songs and that scene in vanilla sky are pretty graphic. They reveal too much to me. Shows on MTV (and other reality shows) have girls jumping all over these guys . . . and practically having sex with their clothes on.

I recently saw commercial for dolce & gabbana watches on TV - and it was pretty much the epitome of britney's song, if you catch my drift. Once again, a little too graphic.

The songs by britney and lady gaga aren't portraying monogamous, heterosexual relations, either. So . . . not only is it too graphic, but it's also skewed and disfigured.

I feel like I've been over-exposed to sex, and it's not been intentional. I feel like I already know way too much, seen too much. I feel like porn is all over the radio and TV.

I liked it better when sex was something . . . mysterious and beautiful. When it actually had significance. When people valued it.

And you wonder why girls think that it's no big deal anymore. That it's ordinary. That they are ordinary. That it's something they want to give up, asap. That so many people are just throwing it everywhere.

I liked it better when I knew enough to look forward to it one day, to discover and enjoy with my husband.

Now I just feel like I've been over-exposed and it's left a bad taste in my mouth.

It makes me not want to have sex. Just so I won't have to deal with it. Because honestly, it looks ugly, sloppy and animalistic - at least the way it's being portrayed. Like it's not even worth it.

I'm still trying to believe that God created it with purpose, beauty and meaning. I want there to be mystery. I don't want to know everything. But I'm having a really hard time doing that.

It's like taking a perfect rose, throwing it in the middle of a landfill, dousing the landfill with the contents of a septic tank, stirring it up, then steam rolling it, put a little flame-thrower action in there . . . and then fishing out the rose and offering it to me. Do you think I want that? No thanks.

Let Me Clear My Throat

2009-11-30T09:00:00.002-05:00

Short and sweet . . .

I'm now reading 1 Samuel, and I gotta say it again - I love the Old Testament.

Times have changed greatly, but God's character remains the same throughout.

When God first calls Samuel, scripture says:

Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.
[1 Samuel 3:7]

So here's this kid who's been raised under a priest, and God is calling to him . . . even though he does not yet know God.

And by the end of the chapter, Samuel is older and he's known all throughout the land as a prophet of the Lord.

The Lord continued to appear at Shiloh, and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word.
[1 Samuel 3:21]

This verse jumped out at me because of the second half of the sentence: "He revealed Himself . . . through His word."

There you have it. God reveals Himself to His people through His Word. Well, if that's not something that has stood true throughout time. I need to remember that. On the days where I don't feel like opening my Bible. This is God's way of communitcating and revealing Himself. How else can I hope to know my creator if I don't delve into His Word?

The Nearness Of You

2009-11-13T11:10:00.003-05:00

About 5 minutes ago, I was driving down Marvino towards it's intersection with 70. This big Chevy Tahoe (you know, the cars that closely resemble boats due to their size) was exiting a gas station and about to merge onto the street . . . he got into the suicide lane and failed to notice (or care about) my little black Honda - so instead of pausing, it almost hit me.

So, I honked. I mean, my car was about to get side-swiped . . . it wasn't intended to be a malicious honk, it was a "hey-do-you-see-me?-please-don't-hit-me-because-I-have-the-right-of-way" honk.

Well, then we both turn right on 70 (with him behind me), and this Tahoe proceeds to speed up, jump in front of me, hit the brakes, and flip me the bird.

I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. Maybe it's because I don't get this kind of reaction very often on the road (it's only the second time I've been flicked off . . . that I know of), angry/mean people upset me, or maybe it's because I had just gone running and probably still had coffee in my stomach.

I rolled the windows down, felt the wind in my face, and listened to Frank. (Sinatra, that is). That calmed me down well enough . . . but I still felt sick.

Then I started to think . . . if something as insignificant as road rage gets me upset . . . how much more does our sin make God sick?

No wonder our sin removes us so far from our Creator. Yet, He was still compassionate, gracious and forgiving to the Israelites back in Moses' day. Much more than I am . . . or can even comprehend.

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin . . ."
-Exodus 34:6-7

"I will put my dwelling place among you, and I will not abhor you. I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high."
-Leviticus 26:11-13

Broken

2009-11-06T07:54:00.003-05:00

Last night, I had one of those dreams that are so scary, they wake you up.

Lynn & I were about to go to Central Asia to do missions work, and I thought to myself - I should tell my parents where I'm going, that way if something happens at least they'll know . . . but it's not like they'll be able to come over here and rescue me . . . but I didn't tell them.

The next thing I know, we were over there and this huge dude comparable to Andre The Giant grabbed both of us by the wrist and asked why we were over there . . . I had to lie and tell him that we were just over there as tourists on vacation. Then of course, he takes us away, and I remember looking at Lynn like - "oh crap, what do we do now?" and not being able to talk to her about it. And I remember thinking - I should've told my parents where we were going.

Then we were in the hallway near a big room, like we were outside of a high school gym or something . . . and I was wondering what was going to happen next. There were other people there by now, and then this huge door opens to the gym and there are all these people inside of it, and they start talking about how they're going to slice people's arms open (probably ours). I remember thinking - holy crap, this stuff only happens in movies, but now it's real . . . and wondering if torture was going to make me lose my faith.

That's when I woke up.

Can I just tell you HOW THANKFUL I was to wake up in my room, in North Carolina, in USA? I hate it when you wake up and you forget where you are . . . and it takes you a few minutes to realize that your dream was actually a dream, not real life.

I just thanked God that it wasn't real . . . and that I live in a place where I'm free to worship, free to pray in public, free to talk about my faith in public . . . and that being tortured or kidnapped is not something that I have to walk around fearing on a regular basis.

And it makes me feel so spoiled. I take this stuff for granted EVERY day. I walk around and forget about the freedoms that I have.

I also get distracted by the day-to-day stuff . . . I turn to things other than God for security, value and worth. I get lethargic in my walk with Him, and lose that fire and passion. I forget my first love. It's so easy to walk around and forget that you need a Savior EVERY day. It's not just a one-time deal and you wander around the rest of your life alone.

Every. Single. Day. I need someone to save me from myself and from everything.

This dream also made me wonder - what would happen if I did get tortured for my faith? Or if I had to watch someone I love get tortured for their/my faith? What would I do? Would I remember what Paul says in Romans about NOTHING in this life being able to separate us from the love that is in Christ . . . and how to die is gain? Would I think about Paul in prison, singing worship songs? Would I remember David talking about how God's love is better than life itself? Or would I be so caught up in the pain that I would forsake everything?

Once again, I am reminded that I need a Savior every single day . . . and that I'm more saturated with sin than I like to acknowledge.

More Than Useless

2009-10-29T16:23:00.002-04:00

I want to save the world. Really. I want to see massive change and transformation.

Most days, this is a huge burden for me to try to take on. Yet, I get on this high and feel like I can do anything - or at least be part of a movement. I really do want to see change, and I get really passionate about being a part of something bigger.

Then . . . for some reason or another, I find myself losing energy, momentum, vision. Maybe it's the day-to-day grind, the endless distractions or a fog of apathy.

As a result, I feel worthless, useless. Like nothing that I do or say matters or has impact on anything.

I was reading AP magazine and something said by Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman caught my eye:

"Every day you're alive you change the world. It's true. The things you do and say today will have lasting results. There is a part of you that lives on long after you die."

I stared at the page for a minute, and then sort of mulled over his statement this afternoon . . . and I might just have to agree with him.

Every person who has been in my life, or who I've crossed paths with, has made an impact on me. It's too easy to be unaware of the influence that people, actions and conversations ultimately have on us - no matter how insignificant or small they seem at the time.

I started to think about what kind of person I'd be if I had been an only child. I'm sure that I would be a little more self-centered, close-minded and uptight if my sister was never born. The way I was raised would have been totally different, and who knows if I would be as close to someone who is so different than me. So . . . it's fair to say that my sister has had significant influence on my life - the way I was raised, my character, and the way I see the world. Even if my sister never changes the world single-handedly, she has made a huge difference at least one life - mine.

Friends, enemies, family members, neighbors, classmates, teachers, bosses, coworkers, acquaintances . . . all have the ability to shape us, change us, challenge us. From my mother to the cashier at Target . . . each person, each interaction - makes a difference.

So this must mean that even if I can't change the world overnight . . . I still have the ability to make some sort of impact. Just something to contemplate.

Fever

2009-10-14T20:13:00.011-04:00

God has drenched my heart in lighter fluid and handed me a flame.

Driving on 1-40 last friday with my sister, I had the privilege of seeing this billboard:

Needless to say, it sparked some good conversation between us . . . which continued throughout the weekend.

My sister was very honest with me about her frustrations with organized religion, churches, and people who call themselves Christians.

People who judge and condemn her without trying to get to know her. People who tell her that she's going to hell because she has tattoos. People telling her that she's going to hell because she has a pet snake. Because she believes in creation and evolution together. Because of the way she dresses.

People who take the Bible out of context and choose to use it as a weapon. People who shout hellfire and brimstone on anyone who doesn't fit the mold or agree with everything they say.

At a time in her life when she most needed the church, they recoiled from my sister, turned their back and withdrew any acceptance or support from her.

Her stories made me think of things my ex-boyfriend, who is agnostic, told me.

His experiences were not unlike hers. People judging him before they got to know him, encountering Christians who were fake-nice - perhaps with a hidden agenda.

He was in a church where he heard the pastor say - it's not enough to have faith, you have to make other people believe.

He was also frustrated with Christians who lived under the religious facade - people who thought they were better than him because they warmed up a pew on a Sunday morning and made themselves look beautiful on the outside.

These things not only enrage, but bring great sorrow to me.

How many people turn away from God because of churches and people who call themselves Christians? How many people are being fed lies and deception? People will give up on their search to know their creator because of experiences like my sister's and my ex's. How many people are scarred and burned the same way they have been?

These are the people that my heart is burdened for . . . that my soul is stirred for.

It's time for a change . . .

The church should be a place where the wounded and the weary can find rest. Where the lost and seeking can find refuge.

I want to be part of such a church - if she can exist.

A place that has open arms - calling to the abandoned, the beaten, the burned. A place that is non-judgemental and non-threatening. Welcomes you as you are. No hidden agenda.

A place where it's OK if you have questions and doubts (after all, I still have questions and doubts - and so did the people in the Bible - what kind of faith would we have if we never questioned?).

A place where you don't have to fit the mold, and you don't feel pressured to have it all together.

A place where people don't look at you funny for your blue hair, tattoos, strange clothes or current circumstance - they see your value as another human being. A place where you're not a project or a number - people genuinely care about you.

If you have a pet snake, if you like vampires and books by Steven King, who cares? If you're from a different socioeconomic status, different background, different ethnicity, that does not change things either.

We're all in the same boat, on the same playing field.

A place where we accept you as you are . . . and invite you to learn with us, to grow with us.

A place where atheists, agnostics and the searching feel comfortable. A place where your questions, fears, doubts are all welcomed. Where you are encouraged to be seeking.

We want to hear your stories, your journey and your frustrations.

I want to be part of a church that my sister, my ex, my old roommates and old co-workers would want to come to. A place where people who don't look like me or think like me want to come. And not only do they feel welcomed and accepted, but they feel like they belong.

So . . . what now? I want to see communities and lives changed, renewed, redeemed. I want to see cities transformed. I want to be a part of it.

It's not enough for me to sit here and dream, blog and read books by Donald Miller and Rob Bell. I want to take action. I want to move.

I want to see this become a reality. I want to look back in 10 years and say that 2009 was the year that God started a movement.

If You Believe Me

2009-10-08T09:51:00.003-04:00

How easy is it for us to believe that we have to "have it all together" before God will look at us?

I don't know about you, but I find myself forgetting that God saved me before I even acknowledged Him.

God saved the Israelites from Egypt before they had their act together (wait, did they ever have it together, really?) He called Moses to lead a nation when he was just a sheperd (and a man who was "slow of speech and tongue" Exodus 4:10).

He radically transformed the life of Saul when he was persecuting and killing christians . . . did God wait for him to get his life on track before He saved him?

The law does still pertain to us, but it's in an outflow of thanksgiving and sacrifice to our Savior that we follow it . . . the law is not a means to attaining salvation or reaching God.

He loves us and rescues us right where we are.

It's so easy for me to go back to my legalistic tendencies . . . or to think that God will withdraw from me if I don't follow all the rules or do all the right things. That's when I need a healthy kick in the butt to remember that he loved me and saved me when I was dead . . . he intervened and rescued me when I was lost, deaf and blind.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
-Ephesians 2:4-5

For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
-Romans 5:10-11

Hot N Cold

2009-10-02T09:01:00.006-04:00

I'm not even 1/4 of the way through the Old Testament, and it's breaking my heart.

When Joshua is reaching the end of his life, he calls the leaders of Israel and gives them final instructions/encouragement:

"Be very strong; be careful to obey all that is written in the Book of the Law of Moses, without turning aside to the right or to the left . . . you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, as you have until now . . . The Lord has driven out before you great and powerful nations; to this day no one has been able to withstand you. One of you routs a thousand, because the Lord your God fights for you, just as he promised. So be very careful to love the Lord your God . . . you know with all your heart and soul that not one of the good promises of the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."
-Joshua 23:6,8-10,14

And yet, a generation or two later, they proceed to forget . . .

After Joshua had dismissed the Israelites, they went to take possession of the land, each to his own inheritance. The people served the Lord throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen all the great things the Lord had done for Israel . . .

. . . After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel. Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord and served the Baals. They forsook the Lord, the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of Egypt. They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They provoked the Lord to anger because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths. In his anger against Israel the Lord handed them over to raiders who plundered them. He sold them to their enemies all around, whom they were no longer able to resist . . .

Then the Lord raised up judges, who saved them out of the hands of these raiders. Yet they would not listen to their judges but prostituted themselves to other gods and worshiped them. Unlike their fathers, they quickly turned from the way in which their fathers had walked, the way of obedience to the Lord's commands. Whenever the Lord raised up a judge for them, he was with the judge and saved them out of the hands of their enemies as long as the judge lived; for the Lord had compassion on them as they groaned under those who oppressed and afflicted them. But when the judge died, the people returned to ways even more corrupt than those of their fathers, following other gods and serving and worshiping them. They refused to give up their evil practices and stubborn ways.
-Judges 2:6-7,10-14,16-19

Only this far in the Old Testament, I've seen story after story of God's people rebelling and rejecting Him, only for Him to have compassion on them and deliver them from whatever circumstances they have managed to get into. It brings me to tears to see this . . . and then I realize that I am just like the Israelites.

Time after time, people are driving themselves into destruction and the Lord is rescuing them, proving His love for them. And yet . . . what do we do? Spit in His face and turn to our own, short-sighted ways.

I don't get it. I keep on asking "why?" Why does God do this? Why is he so patient, forgiving and compassionate? It's like a tragic story of unrequited love - between a Creator and His creation.

He spoke everything into existence. He didn't just create our world and mankind, He created solar systems, galaxies and far more than we can even see or imagine. He could have vaporized our planet and started fresh, perhaps with a less rebellious race . . . and yet, He doesn't. He keeps calling us back to Himself, displaying His love over and over.

Out of all the universe . . . He chooses to dote His affections on a miniscule planet called Earth and the most stubborn, idiotic and rebellious of all creatures.

I don't think I'm ever going to get it . . . but that makes grace all the more amazing - the fact that I can't wrap my little brain around it. That's both humbling and comforting.

After all, He does say:

"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." [Isaiah 55:8-9]

Hit Or Miss

2009-09-25T11:05:00.002-04:00

I got up this morning, made my weekly errand run . . . in the car, I put my ipod on shuffle and proceeded to skip every song that played for more than 2 seconds.

At the gym, I find myself yawning while on cardio machines. The songs on my workout playlist that used to make me run until my lungs lost elasticity now bore me.

I eat the same thing for breakfast most mornings . . . and end up hating it.

All of this has got me thinking . . . routines are not always such a good thing. Especially when we so easily grow tired of the same stuff over and over, get bored, ADD, etc.

I don't think that we were made for the ordinary, the predictable, the day-in, day-out. At least I don't want to live that way.

Maybe that's why throughout the Psalms we repeatedly see: "Sing to the Lord a new song," (33:3, 96:1, 98:1, 144:9, 149:1)

It's not sing, "the same old song", "the song you sang yesterday - the song we sing everyday", "that one song, you know, the one that goes like this," . . . it's a new song.

Maybe God is calling us to break free from the routines that bind and bore - not only in the way we worship Him, but in all areas of life.

Yet, we are so easily content to stay comfortable and live in our set ways . . . how can we overcome this?

Livin' On A Prayer

2009-09-21T01:46:00.002-04:00

On the day the Lord gave the Armorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel:

"O sun, stand still over Gibeon,
O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon."

So the sun stood still,
and the moon stopped,
till the nation avenged itself on its enemies . . .

The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the Lord listened to a man. Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel!
-Joshua 10: 12-14

I can't help but feel astonished/overwhelmed by this passage.

First of all, this happens right after the hailstone episode . . . God has already done astonishing things for Joshua and Israel in their battle. I mean, more than could have been expected, imagined or asked for (at least in my mind)!

And now Joshua is really stepping the line with his prayer. He doesn't meekly ask or suggest, it sounds like he is commanding that the planets and stars freeze in their tracks.

I mean, where did he even get the idea to ask for this? He was pretty creative . . . and daring.

And God honors this audacious request. It actually happens . . . Joshua gets the light of the sun and moon for almost another day.

I don't think I really have words to capture how I feel about this event. I just picture the scene in my head, and my jaw drops. God surprises me and really blows my mind - a lot.

Could I, in Joshua's shoes, have done the same thing? Do I have the same confidence or boldness when I come before God with my struggles and requests?

Better yet - do I expect great things from God? Or are my prayers simply mediocre, small, meek, limited? Are we praying halfheartedly? Do we doubt that He is able? Do we really trust and believe that He will do more than we can ask for or imagine?

Are we limiting His power by praying too small? What parts of our lives are we holding onto, not surrendering to Him in prayer?

How can we pray like Joshua? What does that even look like?

Maybe it's healing for the obliterated spirit. Maybe it's the skeptic gaining the ability to trust. Maybe it's the atheist seeking their Creator. Maybe it's employment in this economy. Maybe it's turning a city upside-down. Maybe it's having our eyes opened for the first time.

Call To Arms

2009-09-19T10:21:00.002-04:00

So Joshua marched up from Gilgal with his entire army, including all the best fighting men. The Lord said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them; I have given them into your hand. Not one of them will be able to withstand you."

. . .

As they fled before Israel on the road down from Beth Horon to Azekah, the Lord hurled large hailstones down on them from the sky, and more of them died from the hailstones than were killed by the swords of the Israelites.
-Joshua 10:7-8, 11

The Bible might look innocent sitting on my kitchen table, but it tends to be a little more action-packed than I give it credit.

To me, this scene is like something out of Transformers or X-men . . . can you see Israel in an all-night march to ambush their enemy? Can you see Joshua's face as he leads them into battle, putting all his efforts into trusting his Lord, unsuspecting of what's coming next?

I bet Joshua thought it was all up to him and his army to win the fight.

If I was in Joshua's shoes, my eyes would have lit up with the hailstones. I would have stopped dead in my tracks - in shock, surprise and awe. What an awesome reminder that God is fighting for us . . . and that it's ultimately God's war, not ours. Did you see in vs. 11 that more of the enemy died as a result of God's hand than Israel's?

God calls us into action and enables us to do so . . . but sometimes we think that it's all up to us. That we have to pull ourselves through the week, our struggles, burdens . . . . that we are fighting alone, trudging though this mess that we call life.

But you know what? Sometimes we need to see hailstones. Sometimes we need a reminder that the creator of the universe is calling the shots, that He cares more about us than we realize, and that He is fighting for us.

What areas of your life do you need to see God's hand in? Where do you need to see hailstones? Are we limiting His power by believing that we're in this alone, and trying to fight by ourselves?

[Disclaimer: I have no original thoughts . . . J.D. preached an awesome sermon on this a few months ago - you should check it out.]

holla back/guest blog

2009-09-17T11:02:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, altpress.com posted a guest blog by Jamie Tworkowski, founder of To Write Love On Her Arms (which is an amazing organization - check them out at twloha.com). Reading their mission statement helped inspire me to get started on the music outreach that's beginning at Summit. I have copied & pasted his blog here because he has positive, challenging (even missionally-minded) things to say and I support him and his work.

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If someone gave you a microphone and a stage, what would you say and what would you sing? Whether the crowd was 10 people or 10,000, what would you make with the moment?

I was going to write a letter to the frontmen--the folks who sing in bands. I was going to say that there should be a system or some classes where they would be reminded that music is a very special thing; something not unlike a miracle, rich with history and the potential to move people and change lives. They would learn about urgency and honesty, the value of a moment and a song's unique ability to cause people to feel, to remind them that they're alive and that life is worth living.

And it crossed my mind to say those things because lately, it seems like there's been moments when everyone is forgetting. I'm bored with watching guys play to thousands of people and it feels like everyone says the same thing in saying nothing: "How you motherf****s doing?" is followed by a request for the world's largest circle pit. Congratulations. You are the fourth band in a row to say the exact same thing.

Are you kidding me? You beat the odds by making it and they hand you this electronic thing that makes your voice louder and that's the best you could come up with? That's what you wanted to tell the world? The stage is sacred. It's above the ground so that people can see the magic when it happens; so that people can see something bigger than the sum of its parts; something louder than the same dumb joke, brighter than the latest neon trend. Tell us your story. Show us your heart. Remind us of our own. Point to something. In the silence between songs, point to something that matters, some question or problem that steals your sleep at night. Invite us to be part of the solution.

But maybe the lessons are not just for the guys with microphones. Maybe this stuff applies to all of us. It's been said that all the world's a stage and that maybe we all have some kind of influence and opportunities to say real things and move people. The stage in front of the crowd is this obvious place where it happens, but maybe it's true that we each have our songs to sing and venues to play. We each get a few people who listen and a few people to listen to. We each have our jobs and our schools and all the places where life happens. We live in a world filled with needs and opportunities. Every person has a story. There's plenty of room for meaning, depth and change. Don't buy the lie that says there's only room for jokes and it's cooler not to care about anything. The bar has been set way too low. There's room for magic and inspiration. There's room to live a better story.

The show starts now. alt

Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. Since 2006, TWLOHA has responded to 100,000 messages from over 100 countries. They've also given $500,000 directly to treatment and recovery. Tworkowski will be speaking at universities across America this fall. Visit www.twloha.com for more info.

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On a side note, TWLOHA is starting chapters at universities across the country - you can find out more information on their facebook page. If I was still in college, I would jump on that opportunity. How cool would it to see a chapter started at UNCW or one of the campuses here at RDU?

I'm So Sick

2009-09-13T17:08:00.005-04:00

Desperation,
Devastation.
All I truly know
Is isolation, self-damnation . . .
"Rabbits Are Roadkill On Route 37" - AFI

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this,
Empty bliss, selfishness
"I'm So Sick" - Flyleaf

Everybody knows about teenage angst, wizard angst, several other kinds of angst, but I am here to talk about something I'd call YP angst.

YP = Young Professional = single, out of undergrad and in your 20's.

We are young, without spouses or family. If we are employed, we haven't been at our job long enough to be truly committed.

Nothing is tying us down . . . which can open the door for loneliness and isolation.

I feel like I'm floating in the wind, without a home. It's amazing how you can feel completely and utterly alone in a crowded room.

Did I mention how awkwardness pervades this season of life?

I am so thankful for the community and friends God has given me. However, friends and roommates cannot have the same commitment and intimacy as a spouse and family.

If I wanted to drive to California tomorrow, no one would have to know. I could leave this area at any time. Would it even matter?

Satan knows me better than I give him credit for. He knows my weaknesses, and how easily I believe him when he tells me that I am alone, unloved and worthless.

------------

On a more positive note, I would highly recommend having a roommate if you don't already. Talking to mine helped my emo cloud lift a little bit earlier today.

I do love the freedom and flexibility of being single. I do want to be part of a church plant, so being single opens doors that might not exist if I was married or had kids. However, there's no denying that I get in a funk about it from time to time.

Head Like A Hole

2009-09-12T10:18:00.002-04:00

I first heard this song about 3 years ago . . . mainly because AFI did a cover of it. (who's surprised?) Anyway . . . I thought that it sounded good, but once I listened to the lyrics I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It goes like this:

god money, I'll do anything for you.
god money, just tell me what you want me to.
god money, nail me up against the wall.
god money don't want everything, he want it all.

No you can't take it,
No you can't take it,
No you can't take that away from me.

Head like a hole.
Black as your soul.
I'd rather die than give you control.

Bow down before the one you serve,
You're going to get what you deserve.

god money's not looking for the cure.
god money's not concerned with the sick among the pure.
god money, lets go dancing on the backs of the bruised.
god money's not one to choose.

"Head Like A Hole" - Nine Inch Nails

However, I appreciate it now. What is this song saying? It would seem that NIN is exposing the love of money for the false god that it is . . . idol, functional savior, if you will. Money and all the posessions of the world appear so enticing and glamorous . . . but will ultimately bring about destruction. I mean, does a loving god go "dancing on the backs of the bruised,"?

It would seem that this song could actually hold some Biblical truths. (don't throw things at me yet . . .) Solomon, Jesus and Paul were preaching this very thing thousands of years before NIN even existed . . .

Whoever trusts in his riches will fall . . .
- Proverbs 11:28

Whoever loves money never has money enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
This too is meaningless.
-Ecclesiastes 5:10

People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
- 1 Timothy 6:9-10

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
- Matthew 6:24

"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame."
-Philippians 3:18-19

It's funny to me how a lot of the time, secular artists, or people who want nothing to do with God have the same pain against society/our worldview that God does.

Across The Night

2009-09-12T09:16:00.003-04:00

You know . . . the Old Testament is pretty cool. I thought it was scary at first, but the more I read it, the more I learn about God's character (especially His redemption and patience) and how he consistently used people who are just as messed up as I am. Word.

. . . and good thing I like it, because it's kind of big and I'm going to be in the midst of it for a while (I'm trying to read the entire Bible . . . which may take anywhere between 5 and 90 years).

So Joshua is this dude who takes over when Moses dies, leading Israel into the land that God promised them 40+ years earlier. The first thing that God tells Joshua is to be strong and courageous, He'll never leave or forsake him, and that he'll succeed as long as he stays within God's will (Joshua 1:6-9).

In Joshua 3, the Israelites are on one side of the Jordan River, in Shittim . . . and they need to get to a place called Gilgal. I'm looking at a map, and really the only way to get there is to cross the Jordan, unless you want to trek waaayyyy down and loop around the Dead Sea. I'm pretty sure they didn't have bridges back then.

So what does God do? He tells them to cross the river while it's at flood stage.

He tells Joshua:

"Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses. Tell the priests who carry the ark of the covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river.'" (3:7-9)

And sure enough:

Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away . . . So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground. (v. 15-17)

I wonder what went through their heads when they first heard what they were supposed to do. I wonder if Joshua lost any sleep over it, wondering how the Israelites would take it when he told them the news. I mean, these are the same people who, after seeing God deliver them across the Red Sea and obliterate the Egyptians, started whining about being stuck in the desert.

But you know, God didn't need the priests to get their toes wet. He could've teleported them across the Jordan if He wanted - He created the earth and physics, so He can do whatever He wants with it. But He told them to take that first step, to stand in the Jordan . . . just like He told Moses to put his hand over the water before He parted the Red Sea (Exodus 14:16).

God is going to work in our lives and through us. But sometimes it requires a bit of trust, obedience, and for us to get our toes wet.

We can't just sit at home and pray for hours, expecting God's blessings to be brought to our doorstep by the pizza delivery boy.

He wants the best for us, but it requires a little bit of action on our part . . . that first step into the water. Sure, it's scary - but if we were 100% certain, where would faith and trust come in? Would that really display God's glory?

right here waiting

2009-08-31T22:27:00.003-04:00

I would like to say that coffee is a catalyst for writing. Maybe it's that I feel über trendy if I sit in my apartment drinking coffee and tapping away on my MacBook, or maybe it's just the caffeine that makes me focus.

Regardless, I would like to say that there's a thing or two I've learned about Jesus, and I would like to talk about one of them.

See, one of the funny things about Him is that while He was on earth, He didn't act how people thought a Messiah would, the way a King of Kings would. He didn't spend all of his time befriending the religious leaders, the rich, the beautiful, or the prominent in society.

He actually spent a lot of time with the religious leaders criticizing Him for who He did spend time with.

He befriended tax collectors, fishermen and "sinners," (Matthew 9:10) he healed and forgave an adulterous woman (John 8:1-11), the physically, emotionally and spiritually sick, the old, the young, a thief (Luke 23:40-43), the outcasts, the destitute, the marginalized and overlooked people in society.

So why should I be content or think that I'm doing good if I spend all of my time in Brier Creek or stay in my comfortable christian bubble? Jesus didn't instruct His disciples to form a posse, move into a frat house and spend every waking moment together. He had them split up, spread out and reach people (Acts 1:7-8, Acts 8:1).

Jesus calls us to leave everything behind and follow Him (Matthew 16:24, Matthew 19:21; Mark 2:14, Luke 14:25-27) . . . and I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean to stay in our comfortable lifestyles, routines or complacency.

And yes, it is my default to stay in my comfortable life . . . how easily satisfied we are to live the dream broadcasted by society . . . work hard and make enough money to get by, settle down with a spouse, have a few kids and a dog and a white picket fence . . .

Somehow, I think that God wants more for us. Why are we content to live without passion? I want to live radically. I don't want the ins and outs of complacent religious activity. No, I want a life transformed, revitalized, re-vamped and turned upside-down by the call of Jesus.

How easy is it for us to only befriend those who look like us, talk like us, and run in our same social circles? How often to we notice the marginalized? And if we notice them, do we actually make an effort to talk to them? Or are we too comfortable and safe in our bubble to take that step? Aren't we limiting God's work in our lives when we do this?

Jesus calls us to leave everything behind, to not be lukewarm (Revelation 3:15-16) . . . He also says that He has come to give life to the full (John 10:10) - and I think that can mean not boring, too comfortable, or stagnant.

Maybe this means living among the marginalized. Maybe this means moving across the country or the world to be part of a church plant. Maybe this means investing time meeting the needs of those hurting in our community. Maybe this means figuring out what our passions are, and putting them into action versus just talking about dreams or waiting for "one day" to actually do something.

I want my eyes to be opened to the broken, the hurting, those I've overlooked. I want to reach those who are searching, who have misconceptions about God, who would never set foot inside a church. I want my life to point to something greater than myself, and I don't want to live according to my own comfort or desires.

breaking the legs of sheep

2009-08-29T23:20:00.003-04:00

Man versus himself
Man versus machine
Man versus the world
Mankind versus me

The struggles go on
The wisdom I lack
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back

So hard to breathe
To take the next step
The mountain is high
I wade in the depths

Yearning for grace
And hoping for peace
Dear God, increase!

"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
       but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
-Proverbs 29:25

Sometimes . . . or perhaps 95% of the time, I wish I wasn't human.

I wish that I didn't struggle with the same things over and over. Well, I guess I wish I didn't struggle or wrestle with sin, period. But . . . then I'd be dead. And I'm not dead yet.

The fear of man . . . a funny thing, isn't it? God has brought me a long way in this struggle . . . from being painfully shy in high school and part of college, to fighting for acceptance of my peers once I moved to a new area . . . and feeling depressed when I felt rejected. We are always looking for something outside of ourselves to give us validation, worth, and identity, aren't we? My biggest struggle was trying to get this from my peers. Well, somewhere along the way I got hit upside the head and God showed me that the only acceptance I truly need is from Him . . . and the only validation and fulfillment can come from a relationship with Christ.

People were never designed to tell you who you are, to complete you, or give you worth.

While I know this, I still find myself struggling. Why do I want so badly to be liked? I've been hanging out with people long enough to realize that not everyone is going to like me, I'm not going to like everyone, and there are plenty of personality differences to go around.

Yet, when I want to be friends with someone and it's not reciprocated, I feel upset. When I get more excited to see someone than they are to see me, I tend to feel stupid.

Why is this? Is this just a reminder of my sin and my pridefulness?

Solomon knew what he was talking about (well of course he did . . . he was Solomon) when he talked about the fear of man being a snare.

Perhaps this is just a reminder to me that I am still very much in need of a savior. I am broken and sinful. Just like the Israelites and Hosea, I keep chasing after idols or other lovers in efforts to find fulfillment and satisfaction . . . all the while the only one who truly loves me continues to pursue me and be faithful when I am not.

A lot of the time, we find ourselves in a wilderness . . . worn out and wounded after chasing these things. It is in this place that we can most clearly see God - when the things of this world have left us broken and empty. Sometimes it's only then that we can truly see how faithful and steadfast He is . . . and how He is the only one who can redeem us, give us identity and life.

Sort of tying into this is an exerpt from Don Miller's Searching For God Knows What:

"Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really."

keepin' your love lockdown . . .

2009-08-17T08:06:00.007-04:00

In my quest to know God better, I become very aware of how much I do not fully understand or know about Him . . . and the incredible amount of wisdom I lack.

The good news is, I discover how much more wonderful He is than I previously believed. My assumptions or preconceived notions of Him are much less loving and compassionate than He truly is.

One of the concepts that I struggle with the most is grace. I've talked about it, probably blogged about it, sung about it, read about it . . . and yet, it's on the top of the list of things my stubborn heart won't accept on a deeper level.

I am afraid that if I go out and do something stupid, that God's love for me will change . . . that He'll withdraw from me, withhold blessings, punish me and change His plan for my life.

This proves to me how I still do not understand God's true character and how I base my view of Him on the way humans tend to behave or treat each other.

The good news is that the Bible is a continual story of God's love for humanity (which is a love that I will never fully grasp or comprehend - see Ephesians 3:17-19) and He reveals Himself and teaches us of His true character in His word. God's love is not like our love. Our love is conditional and fluctuating. His is steadfast and unconditional. (Psalm 103:8, Isaiah 54:10, Romans 8:35-39)

When we come to salvation, Christ doesn't hand us a golden ticket, pat us on the head and say "congratulations," while shoving us into the storm of life without so much as a life jacket.

He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8) . . . He says that He is the sheperd and we are the sheep, that no one can snatch us out of His hand, and He gathers us and carries us (Isaiah 40:11, John 10:27-30).

He is the author and perfecter of our faith and promises to complete the work He has begun in us (Philippians 1:6).

He rejoices over us when we come to Him, and uses the parable of the lost sheep and the prodigal son to illustrate this. He gave His life for us when we were dead in our transgressions and running from Him. (Luke 15, Ephesians 2:4-9)

God even calls us His beloved children (John 1:12, 1 John 3:1-3).

Furthermore, just think about the characteristics of a relationship (a healthy relationship, that is). You don't just slap the person five and say "see ya!" after you've met them. You continue on with them - you spend time investing in them, you work through problems, you grow closer over the years.

If we are in relationship with Christ, how much greater is that then of human relations? If we can say that we are in a relationship with him, just the word "relationship" should tell us that He's not going to leave our side or forget us - and He promises to never let us go.

He doesn't force Himself upon us - He asks that we love Him with everything we've got (Matthew 22:37-39). He allows us the choice between Him and the world. If we seek Him and draw near to Him, He will reveal Himself to us - which is greater than any of the other blessings that come from His hand (James 4:8, Proverbs 2:4-8, Matthew 7:7-8).

Shoot, if He gave us life for us before we even were born, shouldn't that be enough assurance that He wants to be with us, no matter what the price? Won't the truth of the cross permeate our hearts and minds? This should cause us to rest, knowing that Christ isn't going anywhere.

And life experience tells us, too. I know that in the peak or rebellion, Christ was pursuing me and calling me home. He ultimately rescued me and then blessed me more than I could have asked for. (so, I saw that He did not turn away from me, nor did He withhold any blessings or change His plan for me!) That should tell me of His grace and unconditional love. Yet, how easy is it for us to forget these things? We get too caught up in the day to day grind and our present struggles.

It's humbling when we realize that we really don't have it all together. There is so much that we don't know, understand or accept. But there is a joy in that - we have so far to go, but how much will we gain from getting to know Him more! We should never be satisfied with our present knowledge of Him and the Gospel. God does not call us to be stagnant or complacent.

If I knew everything, I'd be dead. God created us, He knows that we're human and lacking - we are not even called to rely on our own understanding. He wants to be with us, He wants to teach us, guide us, bless us, lead us . . . and He wants us to seek Him daily, die to ourselves, love Him and love others. We can rest knowing that this is a lifelong process - and our Father will lead us each step of the way in patience, love and grace.

If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor,
Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.

And off of the blocks, I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight, yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It's funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds,
the last will wave good-bye.
It's funny how the hope will bleed away,
the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.

Night came and I broke my stride,
I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget,
I'd denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes,
and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate,
shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed,
I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed that You still loved me.

Healing hands of God
have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new.

"On Distant Shores" - Five Iron Frenzy

What is love? (baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no mo' . . .)

2009-08-10T08:28:00.005-04:00

I love my days off.

I love getting up early, cooking breakfast, savoring my coffee while reading and journaling. I love playing Pandora (and inevitably buying new music from itunes) for hours as I mosey around my apartment in my pajamas or gym clothes. I wish I could just stay home all day, drink coffee and write. I think it would be fun to write a book.

I love the abundance of time to myself as a single person. I love to use this time to get to know the Lord better.

I was driving around the other week and thought - "God, it's so easy when it's just you and me. I'm the only sloppy one, I'm the only retarded one in this relationship."

Because you know relationships with other people are messy - unless you never get past the superficial (and what good is that?)

We think everyone is nice and perfect until we really get to know each other.

But you know what? God made man in His image (Genesis 1:27) . . . which means that He made us relational, since He is relational. God loves relationships and community. He does His work via these relationships. God created relationships. He commands us to love each other as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:37-39).

But what the heck does that mean? What is love? I don't know about you, but after 24 years, I sure know how to put my needs above others, and I know how to serve myself. It's natural for us to "look out for number one." Shoot, everything in our culture screams for us to put ourselves first and to depend on ourselves.

Well, I'm pretty darn sure I'll always struggle with how to love others and have healthy relationships, but Paul gives us a little insight on what Jesus was talking about when He told us to love people:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
[Philippians 2:1-8]

And on a lighter note, life is better when it's shared. Especially when it prevents you from eating an entire pan of blueberry cobbler in one night.

oh my . . .

2009-07-30T11:40:00.007-04:00

. . . I think I'm onto something.

If anyone knew me in 2006/2007 . . . one of the main things they knew about me (or perhaps one of the only things) was that I loved, loved, loved this band called AFI.

I fell in love with them Summer of '06 and the madness began. I saw them 5 times in 4 different states that year, even driving from Wilmington, NC to Albany, NY in one weekend for a show. I saw them in NC, MN, NY and SC. I accumulated T-shirts, posters, put stickers on my car, joined the fan club, got a tattoo, even met my ex because of one of their shows. They have 7 albums, so I very easily listened to them every day.

I was involved in InterVarsity in college, and while not everyone knew my name, they did know who the "AFI girl" was. The main reason I had a myspace account at the time was because it was the only way to subscribe to their blog. I could bring AFI into any conversation. In November '07, I found out that they were working on their 8th album and I got so excited that my roommate told me - "I've never seen anyone get so excited about anything! I thought Jesus was coming back!"

Over those years, I started to feel God convicting me about the obsession. I was rather consumed. There were a few areas of my life that I needed to be in control of. My music preferences, who I dated, and how I spent my money. I told God that I would give Him everything . . . except those teeny little things. I was lord over those areas, and I was convinced that I knew what was best for myself.

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was buying into the worldview broadcasted by society, I think I was defining my own worldview, and I was trying to make God fit into it, putting Him in his nice little box . . . telling Him what He was or wasn't in control of.

I was listening to this music every day that focuses on the human condition, rage, and despair. It very much is inwardly focused, and only allowed my anger and depression to be expanded and justified, not healed. I went to shows and got life from watching the band perform. I still maintain that they put on the most amazing show . . . but I was taking it (not just the shows, but the band and the music) for more than it was . . . I was in essence, worshiping them.

Well, over time I started to be awakened. We don't always realize how much we are being affected or influenced by what we choose to listen to, watch, read, look at online, etc.

God is the one who can fill the holes in our hearts and heal us of the human condition (and oh, how He longs to do so!!). He sent his son purely out of love, to bring us closer to Himself and give us life . . . yet how we keep chasing after the things of this world to give us what we think we need - when they were never intended or designed to do that.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

God wants our despair, pain, anger to be healed - not for us to dwell on these things and wallow in them! He wants us to rest secure in His embrace . . . and to know of His great love for humanity.

So, this is why I say Skillet > AFI. Skillet rocks hardcore, but they sing of the truth . . . and they point to life. So does Relient K, Underoath, Red, Flyleaf, Fireflight, and many others. You don't have to be K-LOVE to be worshipful and truthful.

AFI has released the date of their album debut . . . but I didn't flip out like I did in '07. Their website has some promotion where you have to join twitter to get more information. A few years ago, I would have been signing up for twitter and doing anything to get more information about what they're doing. But today, I am free from that obsession . . . and I think I'll just chill until September to hear what's next.

There is nothing wrong with AFI . . . or going to shows, or listening to secular music - it's just being aware of how much it affects us, and what we allow to control us. I still have a keen liking for AFI and I would love to see them live again - just through a different set of eyes this time. Just appreciating them for their music, rather than proclaiming undying devotion for a group of humans might be more healthy.

God ultimately wants better for us than we even want for ourselves . . . and He wants us to know Him - really know Him - not to just try to make Him fit into our worldview or put Him in our boxes. So . . . listen to Skillet and take a peek at that Bible . . . it might even be better than a live show, I'm just sayin.

My own worst enemy

2009-07-27T14:24:00.003-04:00

Last night I read over a few of my old Facebook notes, some of the posts on this blog and it hit me . . . the downfall of the public blog.

I look back on a note I wrote 6 months ago, and I smack my forehead.

I thought I understood or knew what I was talking about, but I didn't. I wrote about concepts with the pretension of full understanding/knowing, but in reality I had only begun to grasp them.

Such is life, I suppose. It's like how when I was a teenager, I thought I understood everything there was to know, and that I knew better than my parents. We all know that is a lie.

Anyway, I feel like I get hyper, passionate and ultimately too eager to express my thoughts . . . which can be a downfall. If I publish these thoughts in a blog or note, then everyone can see what an idiot I was 6 months ago (or even now). (that's what I meant by the downfall of the public blog)

BUT, it also humbles me, which is good.

God has truly opened my eyes in the past week. I feel like I am gaining a fresh understanding of the Gospel, of the relationship He longs to be in with humanity . . . I could go on for hours. I basically feel like a new Christian.

I want to write about what I'm going through, and what God has revealed to me, but I am afraid of expressing my thoughts and epiphanies too prematurely - in effects that I will regret publishing them - that I will smack my forehead and mutter "idiot!" in a few days, and then delete everything in frustration.

The knowledge of God and the Gospel is too vast, too beautiful, too mysterious for any of us to truly capture and fully (and I mean fully) understand. I know that I can't. I feel like I'm just beginning to really get it . . . but I have a long way to go.

This is beautiful in the sense that it affirms my human-ness, the fact that my mind is much smaller than God's, and that it humbles me.

In the end, I suppose it is indeed a good thing if we can look back on where we were 6 months ago and laugh or smack ourselves at how we thought we had it together . . . when in reality, we were kind of clueless. It means that we're making progress. And it's very humbling.

Don't go breakin' my heart

2009-07-24T23:11:00.011-04:00

Yesterday I went to the Warped Tour . . . and more than anything, it left me heartbroken.

There were definitely hundreds, probably thousands of kids roaming the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater yesterday for nearly 12 hours, listening to more than 50 bands from multiple genres and visiting tents of organizations/sponsors from Peta to Trojan to To Write Love On Her Arms.

In between songs, lead singers from the bands would use the time to interact with the crowd - whether that meant shouting every profanity and obscene word known to man (today the tour was in FL, where you're not allowed to swear, so they had to "get it out of their system" yesterday), or how Underoath's Spencer testified that their band stands in the name of Jesus Christ (as he does with every live set, which is one of the reasons I hold them in high regard).

Some frontmen used the stage as a punk-rock pulpit, preaching in between songs about what their music stands for, why they support the music community and why you should believe in yourself and go for your dreams. Senses Fail frontman Buddy Nielsen preached more on the latter, and on life.

He told the crowd how the band built themselves from nothing and only depended on themselves. He also spoke about how you should, "treat your family and friends with passion and respect because they're all you have in this life." He continued to profess that we should all be trying to find happiness and bliss because it's not only the most important thing in life, but it's what life is all about.

Oh, Buddy. I wanted to tell him that he's missing it. There is so much more.

We are far too easily pleased, too easily convinced and decieved.

So . . . if finding happiness is the pinnacle of existence . . . and what Buddy is telling these kids is that it can be found in having a successful band (or dream career in that case), having a microphone, or by having family and friends? That's it?

Oh, how the world seduces us - telling us that if we only accumulated enough wealth, had the dream career, lost the weight, had the perfect marriage and family, were popular and well-liked, had the right house and the right cars, drank the right coffee - then we would truly be happy and complete. We run after these fleeting things of the world that will ultimately leave us more empty and void than we were before we pursued them.

How long before the beauty fades and the novelty wears off? How long before the luster and glamour vanishes? How long before our spouses, our friends, our possessions and even ourselves let us down? When do we stop buying into the lies and worldviews broadcasted by society?

What will it take for our eyes to be opened, for us to realize that we were created for more? That the one who brought us into existence has been right here all along, pursuing us? He wants to rescue us from this bondage, to provide for us, protect us, heal us, shower us with His love and blessings. He can give us something so much better than anything this world has to offer. He is the only giver of life.

After all, Jesus does tell us, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives . . . " (John 14:27)

God created us . . . we were made to be in perfect union and relationship with Him ("all things were created by Him and for Him" - Colossians 1:16), but The Fall destroyed that - leaving a gaping hole in our hearts. We so quickly turn to the pleasures of this world in efforts to fill that void, but He is truly the only one who can mend it. And how He longs to fill that space, if we would just look to Him!

Driving down I-40 last night, billboards reminded me of how this society tells us what we need to be happy . . . advertisements for colleges, employers, plastic surgeons, gyms, banks - all promising to bring fulfillment in one way or another.

Truly, Peter still stands correct when he writes, "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8) I know that I am just as guilty as the next person to turn to music or food or the gym to give me comfort . . . when what I really need to do is seek God first.

. . . man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
-Deuteronomy 8:13

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope . . .
-Romans 5:13

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
-Colossians 2:8

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
-Romans 12:2