on being a nurse: when it hurts

During my commute to work, I pray that God would use me to bless the people I will come in contact with, namely my patients and co-workers. I don't always know what that will look like until God puts me in certain situations (and sometimes I don't even know if I am being a blessing - just being honest!).

Being a nurse will put you in unique settings and circumstances . . . it allows you the opportunity to walk with people as they face suffering and grief head on. 

Facing the loss of a loved one, the loss of hopes and dreams and what could've been. Facing the losses that death, disease and trauma bring.

I have been a nurse for six years and these situations are never easy. Honestly, I typically do not feel well-equipped in these moments. In these times, I am forced to rely more on God - which I am thankful for. I know I cannot do my job unless He is working in and through me.

I faced such a situation earlier this week. I started off my day wondering - what if I fall apart in front of my patient, when she needs me to be strong? What if the family sees me cry or get choked up when I try to speak? What do I even say? What can I say?

I knew that nothing I did or said could change their circumstances. But how could I offer support? What could I actually do to benefit them in some way?

I will tell you that I truly believe that it is an honor and a privilege to be a nurse. It is an honor to walk with people in the midst of deep heartache and pain. To share tears, to listen, to be present.

It is sweet of God to give me patients who are believers. I know I can offer them something more in these moments of grief. 

I can encourage them to hold onto God and His Word, which never fails. The Word of God is living, His presence and promises are the only thing that will not crumble under the weight of suffering and the trials of this life.

This very firm foundation will carry them through the deepest pain of their life. When I can give people scripture and words of encouragement, I feel like I can actually offer something. Something that will last, something that can give hope in the midst of loss. 

There are many other things we can offer in these moments . . . the comfort of having support from family, pastoral staff, a cool cloth or a fresh pillow (as simple as that may sound) . . . if I can offer anything that might bring the slightest bit of relief, if it can make a difference, then I am so thankful.

The journey of grief and loss is one that our patients and families take . . . and it is one that is not without challenge when you are the nurse caring for them. It hurts to have your heart open, but I am so thankful for the opportunities that God has given me to care for people during these times.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18 

The Lord is near to all who call on Him
Psalm 145:18 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  

 and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 

    and the flame shall not consume you. 

Isaiah 43:2

hope

As 2014 begins, I find myself wanting to be hopeful. The new year has a way of producing that in all of us, right? We want a fresh start, a resolution or a fun change, something to look forward to.

It's easy to draw hope from the thought of change in circumstances.
Maybe this year, I will get that ________ [ new job / relationship / good habit / self-discipline / new living situation / etc. etc. ]

But what happens when our dreams aren't fulfilled, when our hopes don't come to fruition? What if we find ourselves in the exact same circumstances this time next year? (or what if our circumstances change for the worse?)

It just points to the fact that we must place our hope somewhere else . . . somewhere that will not disappoint or leave us feeling empty after striving and longing for yet another year.

The Bible talks a lot about hope, but it's hope that is beyond this world. We all yearn to have our desires met, our soul's longings fulfilled. We try to find that in circumstances, in things we can see and touch and taste and feel. But as I've heard someone say - we are eternal, so we need something eternal to fulfill us.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us.  We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,  where Jesus has gone . . . 

- Hebrews 6:18-20

 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

- Romans 5:5

And maybe this year will indeed bring wonderful blessings - God is our loving Father and He does give us good gifts. That's part of what He does. But, we do not have to put our hope solely in circumstances. We have something far greater than anything this world could give us or death could take away. The greatest gift God could ever give us is Himself - I pray that we would know that, not only as head knowledge, but heart knowledge . . . that our souls would find everything we could ever want or need in Him. That whatever this year does bring, our hearts will find rest and contentment that circumstances cannot touch.

more rest

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
^{- Colossians 2:13-15}

Whenever I return my gaze to the Gospel, my heart comes alive. 

I tend to derive my self-worth from busyness, productiveness, trying to hold it together, etc. It's so easy to think that I have to keep going, keep adding more to my schedule, keep pouring out, keep working. 

But in that, I lose my focus. I lose perspective. I gravitate inward and try to be self-sufficient and do life on my own. I quickly run out of steam, but keep going . . . thinking that I have to do more for God, do more in order to gain approval - whether that's approval from myself or approval from God.

It seems counter-intuitive to just sit, to soak up the Gospel. To rest in Him. But once I am completely filled with Him, I overflow - and it's a natural process. It's effortless, even.

And in returning to the Gospel . . . you are reminded of so much. If God saved me and made me alive when I was dead . . . if I know that I did nothing to obtain His love and salvation, then why do I think I have to work to keep that love? 

Oh, to rest in truth. To set your gaze upward. To quit listening to yourself, but preach truth to yourself. To ask your Creator who He says you are, not who you (or other people) say you are.

Worlds apart . . . part 4.2(ish)

During our tour of House of Hope, we entered a girls dorm room. Vacant bunk beds lined the faded pink walls and I noticed one girl laying on a bed as Laura began describing the life of the girls here.

Someone started summoning me to her, because they knew I was "the nurse," and I couldn't help but think, oh great - another medical question or problem that I'm going to be clueless and/or helpless with . . .

As I approached her bed, I could see that the girl was covered with scabs from chickenpox. Scabs that were bleeding through the napkins that had been placed on her skin. I felt my heart start to tug. I had no idea what the girl was saying, but she was smiling and looked joyful, even as I started to well up with tears. Laura asked me what I thought, and I told her - I never work with kids, and all I really know about chickenpox is that you have to let it run it's course.

Laura explained - yes, the other girls all had it, but she's had this for two months. Take that tug on my heart and turn it into a vice grip. I told her that she probably needed some antibiotics . . . and couldn't help but think, this would never happen in the states. This girl would 1) be pampered and cared for by her parents, staying home from school and drinking chicken soup in front of the TV and 2) She would have access to plenty of doctors and treatment if she had a secondary infection like this.

Well, it was over. The dam had broke - I couldn't stop crying as Laura went on to tell of the horrors that these girls are rescued from.

In Nicaragua, many of the women don't know how to provide for their family other than prostitution . . . due to the poverty, lack of education, lack of opportunities, lack of options. And then they don't have any place to take their children while they do this work, so they take them along to the brothels.  Then these girls are slowly eased into prostitution by their own mothers. These women feed their kids alcohol and substances to dull their senses and bring them into this cycle that becomes generational. I struggle with how many details to include in this blog because it is absolutely horrific and nauseating. I still cannot believe that this is a reality. These women not only drug their own children, but they usher them into a generational cycle and deliver them into the sex trade. Some of the girls are as young as 5 and 6, if not younger. Then these girls start to have their own children . . . the average age that they have kids is between 10 and 14.  These children are being incredibly abused in the most abominable and appalling ways, it's unbelievable. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around this, and when I start to think about it, I am all emotions.

This should never, ever, ever, EVER happen. As JD phrases it, a divine tuning fork rings in my soul when I hear of injustices . . . and I had never heard of anything as heinous before. It has wrecked me. It's like someone took a sledgehammer to the coronary artery. (AKA my heart shatters)

Children are a precious gift from God, and they are to be protected, loved, valued.

We were still on our tour of House of Hope . . . hope. These girls are being rescued from brothels and brought to the campus . . . where they are given opportunities to have shelter, a save haven, food, fellowship, education, and hear the Word of God.

As much as it pains me to write one more negative detail, the House of Hope is not yet recognized by the government and they cannot claim custody over the girls. This means that if/when a family member comes to the campus, they are free to take the girls away. These girls can be taken away in an instant and brought back into their previous lives . . . and the thought of this, again crushes me.

Worlds Apart . . . part 4

Monday and Tuesday were by all definition of the word . . . intense.

I will have to describe these days in several posts I'm sure.

We worked with House of Hope these days - here is a brief overview of the ministry:

In 2001, after speaking to a group of prostitutes, God began to birth a vision to help those women. The Holy Spirit confirmed the need to open a vocational center for the women and to provide them with a means to make a living and establish them in the Lord. Since that initial encounter the Lord has provided us with the land and we have built structures for job training, and housing for young girls and women with children.

Now, after almost ten years of evangelistic outreach to prostitutes in Managua many
women have come to know Christ and a valiant group has made a stand to stop working the streets and attempt to support their families by various means, such as peddling candy and trinkets or doing laundry and ironing.

source: http://houseofhopenicaragua.com/

We traveled down a bumpy dirt road to meet the gates of House of Hope. Once we arrived, we had a tour of the campus.

 The ministry provides vocational training for the women to make and sell jewelery, cards, potato bags, ornaments, etc. They provide housing for some of the women, and have dorms for the children. They help the women and girls get access to better school and obtain uniforms. They have a micro grant program that helps the women start their own business - for example, there is a lady who now sells firewood, and other women who sell drinks. They told us that when a child has a school uniform, they are safer - people know that someone cares about that child, and if they were to go missing, someone would go looking for them.

All of the construction at House of Hope has been from short-term mission trips, they also have medical teams that come down periodically.

The housing is very modest here - but the women take pride in it. Our guide, Laura, told us that they will clean the tile floors several times a day.

Tuesdays are big days at House of Hope . . . in the morning is a worship service for the women, and they now have an attendance of over 400. Usually after service is when the women work on their vocational training/projects. April, the founder, along with Oscar (who has an amazing story) evangelize at the brothels . . . and as the ministry has grown, several of the women now evangelize as well.

at service

Women in Nicaragua are not respected the way we are used to in the states. Poverty is so high, education is lacking, and many women do not see any option other than prostitution if they want to provide for their children. House of Hope is so wonderful for so many reasons - and these women are learning how to sell something other than themselves for the first time, due to the vocational training and micro grant programs.

more to come . . .