Bleeding Love

Do you ever have those moments where . . . your parents are actually right about something? And you actually took a moment to listen and process what they're telling you?

It's a little surreal, isn't it?

Well, they recently confronted a subject that we've been in and out of dialogue about for years. In the past, I always just turned a deaf ear or immediately put up defense - but for some reason, I actually absorbed it this time.

Which led to some inward probing of my heart, my attitudes, my perspective . . . and consequently revealing of unchecked sin.

I have allowed walls of pride, bitterness and stereotype to build slowly over time - not fully aware of the repercussions of my attitudes. It was as if I were blinded to those walls, whilst stacking brick upon brick, fueled by fear, insecurity and misconceptions.

Then one day, you wake up and realize how closed off and cold you are.

Instead of facing my fears and embracing awkwardness, I flee from anything that makes me nervous, approaches vulnerability or threatens my pride.

This only causes me to become further calloused and enclosed, in a silly attempt to protect myself.

Over the past year, I have embraced many things that intimidated me or set my nerves on edge. And through those experiences, you learn and grow more than you may expect.

I want to continue to push myself, to face the fears, embrace vulnerability instead of shutting it down.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - -- Ambrose Redmoon

I have asked God to reveal the sin in my life, the things that I have been putting between Him & I.

Well, here it is staring me in the face - my pride, my fears, my flawed attitude.

Now that I have recognized this, it's time to take action. Thankfully, I am not in this alone. God promises to walk with me, guide me, provide for me, sanctify me.

I am learning that life is a process. You don't just wake up one day, having "arrived" and conquered everything. It takes time. Just like I didn't wake up one day able to run a 10K - it took time to prepare, build, train.

I wonder if that conversation between my parents and my ability to listen wasn't God's way of further sanctifying me and drawing me nearer to Himself.

I have been asking God to break me of my pride and bitterness . . . today a passage from Philippians came to mind. If Christ humbled Himself to live and die for the world, if He came to divide the wall of hostility between God and the world, then how can I not be affected? How will my heart also not be transformed to be more humble, open and gentle? If the first step is recognition of sin or acknowledgment of a problem, then it would seem the second step is confession and allowing God to transform my heart so that I can move forward. And trust Him that He will work through me, give me the courage and ability to move forward.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

-Philippians 2:1-13

I can't live . . .

. . . if living is without you, ninja.


my food processor is called the ninja. And it has rocked my world.

It's dangerous business walking out your front door

I was talking with some friends recently, who inspired me.

The idea of becoming more bold, and trying things that you were previously gun-shy of.

I realize that my immediate response to something that scares me, intimidates me or presents difficulty is "I hate it/that's stupid/I refuse to do that/I can't do that."

Anything that might make me vulnerable, I shut it down on instinct.

For example . . . I think I'll look silly doing yoga, I'm unfamiliar with it, I think it's not beneficial (without knowing much about it) so that automatically makes it stupid and on the list of things that I will not do.

Well, 1 month later and I'm glad that I tried something new. And who knew that you could get a stronger core and work on your strength training while doing yoga? I'm hooked now.

I can also be very hesitant about taking on new challenges or responsibility at work (or anywhere for that matter) because it's intimidating. But once I do it, I come away having learned something new, expanding my borders, gaining confidence along the way.

I should try more things that scare me more often. There is so much to learn from trying something that you may have shut down before. It's so easy to have preconceived notions or expectations, fears that will all come falling down once you face whatever that thing is.

This process teaches so much about life, about yourself, humbles you and changes you for the better. It's still scary, but I just pray for the courage . . . courage in the face of my fears, however silly they seem.

I don't want to live in a world that is shut in, rigidly enclosed by my walls of self-defense and insecurity.

I'm just thankful that being in your 20's is still relatively young . . . sometimes I look around and wonder how I got here. But I woke up this morning, thankful that each day is a new day . . . maybe it's not too late after all. Kind of like Scrooge when he wakes up at the end of A Christmas Carol, and he hasn't missed Christmas, or a second chance at embracing life.

in the dark

I usually hate driving in the dark.

I remember driving from home to college in the dark and hating it . . . mostly because when I made that trip after the sun went down, I felt like I was never going to get there. I guess the absence of seeing trees, landmarks, signs, etc. makes it feel like you're just in a tunnel instead of on the interstate.

I was reminded of that last night. Our church parking lot is not well lit at all. For instance, walking back to my car, I couldn't really see 2 feet in front of my face. It was pitch black.

I could hear my heels clicking on the pavement and I could feel the wind in my face, yet it was reminiscent of driving on I-40 at night . . . it felt like I was again in a tunnel, or maybe worse, as if I were on a treadmill in the dark.

I could feel myself moving, but in that trance-like moment, unable to differentiate between expenditure of energy vs. actually getting closer to my car.

I think that life is like that sometimes. We can feel our muscles flexing, the wind in our face, the days passing by . . . but unable to differentiate between random movement and actual progress forward.

Slow down

Sometimes you need to pause and reflect.

I thrive on a packed schedule. I love to be constantly in motion.

Living that way makes it easier for me to forget how God has worked in my life over the past year. It allows me to take things for granted and I'm so busy that I don't have time to stop and think.

It's so easy to look at my life and get stressed about the future. It's also very easy for me to get bored . . . whenever I do have a minute to breathe, I get bored or restless.

I am presumptuous enough to predict my future. As if I really know what's going to happen tomorrow. Yet, I am sure that 25 years from now, things will be exactly the same. I'm just betting on it. Yup, that's it. My circumstances are set in stone. Done.

It's so silly. And prideful.

It is a blessing to live day to day and to enjoy each moment as it comes. Yet how often do I do this? I also realize that I may never get this time back . . . so I should enjoy it. I want to enjoy this "pasture" of sorts and be attentive to what God is teaching me.

If I don't listen to God now, when will I? I assure you when things get busier I will likely be too caught up in my circumstances and life to be still. I might find myself in a whirlwind and wonder - why didn't I spend more time with God when I was more free?

As J.D. has said, God teaches and prepares us when we're in our "pasture." This time is not to be wasted, even though I feel like my pasture is eternal.

How can I enjoy it, learn in it, not waste it?

One way I think I'm being told to slow down is my knees.

You know . . . I am a firm believer that unless I am drenched in sweat and ready to collapse, I didn't get a good workout.

That viewpoint may be changing. My body is rebelling against me. I don't know if it was running, cycling, or lunges & squats that was the initial injury. But . . . even the elliptical can hurt now. I have got to be a little more sensible before I end up with knee replacements at age 40.

This could quickly turn into an exercise rant, so I will try to be concise. I have started doing yoga, and I love it. One of the things yoga teaches is to be patient, respect and listen to your body. (which does wonders to your diet habits as well) I have got to listen to it . . . I need to slow down and not feel like I have to run myself into the ground every time I cross the threshold of the gym.

I will also say . . . if you do power yoga or strengthening yoga, it can be very challenging. I never thought I could get such a workout from doing yoga . . . but it's changing my mind.

So . . . slow down. Take a mental health day. Take time to thank God for what He has blessed you with . . what He is teaching you, and how He is growing you. You have more than you realize! Reflect on what you do have. It is too easy to focus on what we don't have and become discontent.

free to fall

I was jammin out in my car the other day when "fantasy" by Mariah Carey came on.

Can I say how much I love that song?

Songs like that and "Teenage dream" by Katy Perry remind me of falling in love.

Reminds me of how an ideal relationship could work . . . and those moments when you allow yourself to fall in love, let go of your inhibitions, holding nothing back . . .

I realize that's how I want to be with my Savior. I want to let it all go and fall recklessly in love with Him. I don't have to hold anything back from Him - He knows it all anyway. I truly am safe there . . . and I know that He will always be faithful and love me no matter how flawed, human and sinful I am. To rest knowing that He will never leave or abandon me. So I can be free to fall.

road trip what

I like to live in Sarah world . . . where I'm a sweet, angelic nice person, seeking after God.

Enter family road trip.

Exit façade.

Seriously. Nothing like a road trip or being around family for extended periods to bring out the worst in you. Put the two together and it's dynamite for tearing down my walls of illusion.

I drove down with my dad, and I forgot how picky I am when it comes to stopping during road trips. He didn't want to stop at subway for lunch so I suggested we stop at Arby's in hope that they had tuna salad on one of their market fresh sandwiches.

Well, not only did they not have any pescatarian or vegetarian options, the whole joint smelled like a giant armpit. So what did I do? Sat like a hoodie-clad, moody teenager with my sulky eyes while I ate my protein bar and stared at the floor.

Lack of sleep, lack of vegetables, gross rest stops where the soap smells like old man cologne, eating only protein bars for lunch and being bored really whips me into bad shape.

I also get discouraged and frustrated when I feel like the spiritual leader in the family, or fear that they look at me as this cracked out, uber religious, rule-following girl.

It really doesn't help that I have an irritated, bad attitude there too. I just want to shake people and plead/yell at them - "Why don't you want to go to church? Don't you have any reverence for God? Don't you want to seek Him? Why aren't you in a small group? What are you doing with your life? What's wrong with you?!"

Like Hillary Faye in the movie Saved!, when she throws the Bible at Mary while screaming, "I am FILLED with the love of Christ!!"



I'm sure that would get me places.

I went to church with my Aunt & cousins, and it's funny how the preacher talked about what I really needed to hear.

Evangelism is heavy on my heart and I just have no idea how to do it, especially when I just get such a bad attitude.

We've been talking about this at Summit and in small group, and the preacher was talking about how you can't scream at people, scheme about it, Bible thump, etc. - none of those work (and I knew that, I just needed to hear it).

When we are loving, compassionate, generous and honest - that's when there can be an impact. Not when you're self-righteous, yelling at people or hostile.

It's also realizing that God pursues people individually and that it's between Him and them - not a conference call with me as some kind of third party. Trusting those people to God, not thinking that it's my sole responsibility that they get to know Him.

Just seeing myself in some of my worst states, seeing my own sin - it's a miracle He loves me, is so faithful and wants to use me, so how can anyone be too messed up for Him to rescue and redeem?

Again . . . nothing like a road trip and family to show me how dirty and sinful my heart truly is.

My sister was telling me about her boyfriend's grandmother . . . how kind, generous and loving she is, and how she will just be going about her business but randomly stops to put her hands on my sister and pray for her, then continues milling about the house.

I thought about how beautiful that is, and how I long to be a woman like that. To make a positive impact, not drive people away.

I think part of the problem is that I'm terribly impatient - I want to see dramatic change when I want to see it instead of trusting God to work in the lives of those I'm praying for. I just need a reminder that He is the one who created them, that He loves them more than I ever could, that only He can change hearts . . . and it's on His timeline, not mine.