not a piece of cake

I love my job. I love my co-workers. I even love to bake them cakes ;)

The place that tests my patience more than anywhere else in my life is at work.

If you work at a teaching hospital, you know what I mean.

I was particularly struggling this week . . . with new med students, new interns and a new fellow in the unit. Take a busy day in the ICU, add a bunch of new and different personalities, plus other stressors . . . and things start to get complicated. 

Anywho, I caught myself becoming impatient, irritated and frustrated. In the moment, I tried to dissect these feelings and get to the bottom of it all - why am I feeling this way? 

There were a lot of stressors, but what I really needed was some perspective. Who am I working for? Do I truly care that this person is looking at me like I'm an idiot? Whose opinion of me truly matters?

I had to remind myself of a couple truths.

1. God extended grace and patience to me when I was His enemy. Does this move me to extend love to difficult people?

For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son . . . 

- Romans 5:10

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,  even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved . . .

- Ephesians 2:4-5

2. Who am I working for? I am not working for the approval of man, no matter how many letters are behind their name. I am working for God, and His approval is what truly matters . . . which, because of the gospel, is based in grace, not on my performance. So even when I am grumpy, have a bad day and don't treat people the way I should, His feelings towards me have not changed. 

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men . . .

- Colossians 3:23

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

- Ephesians 2:8-9

I still struggled, but having a tiny glimpse of perspective helped me to push through. I have to remind myself daily to keep falling on His mercy and grace! Isn't it funny how, when we ask God to give us patience (or any other good character for that matter), He usually puts us through a trial . . . but it's all to change us and grow us.

trusting God . . . daily

He said to them, "When you pray, say: . . . 'Give us each day our daily bread.'"
Luke 11:2-3 (emphasis mine)

I have been reading through Luke as of late, and this morning I came across Luke 11, which focuses on prayer.

Something that jumped out at me was this instruction from Jesus to pray for daily bread.

What does this look like for us as Christians? He is pointing out that we are to live in a state of continual dependence on God. That God is our daily provider. Day by day. Sometimes moment by moment.

It is so easy for me to forget that everything I have comes from the hand of the Father. If you stop and think about it . . . what do you have that He has not given to you? Even the ability to wake up in the morning . . . down to the air in my lungs, it's all from Him.

How quickly do I forget and start to live as though I'm self-sufficient and in control of my days?

This manifests itself the most in the form of anxiety and fear.

Just last night, my mind started to wander and those "What if" questions started to populate my thoughts. What if I have to find another roommate? What if all my friends get married and the only people I can hang out with are ten years younger than me and I can't relate to them?  What if I have nothing to do and no one to see on the weekends?

How quickly I can run away with my imagination! I know that other women struggle with this. I was listening to a sermon last week on fear, and Veronica Greear was talking about how we do this - we imagine the worst possible situation and then freak out over it.

We have to reign our emotions and our imaginations back in. What is reality? If I stop, I can see that God is taking care of me right now. Today. He has not called me to go through a time of having no friends, or having to look for a new roommate. He has provided so abundantly and He is upholding me right now. He always has. Even when I did not know how to provide for myself, He knows.

Veronica also pointed out that when we go to these places in our minds, God's grace and power is not available to us. Only when we are called to go through trials does He give us exactly what we need, only when we need it. Of course you don't feel equipped to handle it now - He's not calling you to go through it.

I have to trust that God is going to provide for me daily. So if I do have to go through a time of wilderness or aloneness, I can know that He will be with me, He will carry me, and He will sustain me. It's not my job to figure it all out now - that's not where He has me right now.

Florida recap

the real reason I flew: free biscoff!

golf cart joyride

the manly bonding

beautiful cupcakes by my mom :)

Happy Birthday G'ma!

I hope I look this good when I'm 80

Last Friday I flew to Florida to celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday.

It was a super short trip - Friday morning until Sunday morning. It was fun to be reunited with family that I haven't seen in almost 2 years. 

A few of my favorite things from the trip . . . watching my dad and cousin enjoy each other and bond, going to 4 different grocery stores in one day (no joke - we kept forgetting things), my grandma being with her 3 kids all together, and seeing her get rowdy during a game of dominos where she kept harassing my dad. Quite entertaining. 

Just when I start to think that I'm a fairly calm person, God puts me on a plane . . . and it all goes out the window. The funny part is, I was listening to a sermon - on fear (and why we don't need to fear) - when the plane was descending to RDU. We hit an air pocket or something and I thought, this is it! we're going down! my palms were sweaty and my heart rate shot up. Juuuust kidding guys - being on a plane can bring out the worst in someone. :)

when you're in the waiting

As a follow-up on yesterday's post . . . 

Sometimes, you are called to a season of waiting. What are some reasons for waiting, and how can we practice this season well?

I never have any original thoughts, so I would love to just share some resources I've found to be helpful on this topic. 

First, "5 Reasons Why God Calls Us to Wait" - Paul Tripp

"In ministry you will be both called to wait and also find waiting personally and corporately difficult. So it is important to recognize that there are lots of good reasons why waiting is not merely inescapable but necessary and helpful."

"Tired of Waiting" Part 1 and Part 2 - Paul Tripp

5 Ways to Wait on God Well - Relevant Magazine

"We need to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. It's not about what we think will satisfy us now, but what God wants to do in us, for us and through us later. When we remember that immediate gratification is not the goal and God has our greater interests at heart, we can faithfully continue to wait and trust Him."

A few months ago, J.D. gave this message: The Insanity of God. In it, he speaks about how it's a pattern in the Bible to see God give people a calling, and then immediately places them in a waiting time. J.D. encourages us not to waste this time of waiting - it's where God teaches us patience, where God shapes our character.

And lastly, a quote from Blackaby in Experiencing God:

You may think of waiting as a passive, inactive time. Waiting on the Lord is anything but inactivity. While you wait on Him, pray with a passion to know Him, His purposes, and His ways. Watch circumstances and ask God to interpret them by revealing His perspective to you. . . By waiting, you shift the responsibility of the outcome to God, where it belongs. 

Waiting on Him is always worth the effort. His timing and His ways are always right. Depend on Him to guide you in His way and in His timing to accomplish His purpose.

when it hurts to hope

One of the dangers of having an afternoon to yourself is the temptation to bake a cake for no reason . . . and that was me today. However, I resisted the urge . . . and instead ate my weight in watermelon. Because if you're going to have 10 servings of something, it's better that it's a fruit and not baked goods, right? Right.

Do you ever have dreams that just don't seem to be working out? 

That door that seems to stay closed, no matter how persistent your prayers. Unmet desires that just won't be subdued.

Are you ever tempted to just let those dreams die, because it just hurts too much to keep hoping?

I have been wrestling with this lately. I have tried to suppress my heart's longings, but it only causes me to become bitter. I have tried to play tricks on my mind in order to make those desires disappear, to fool myself into not wanting things. Somehow, it doesn't work (surprise).

So what now?

A friend of mine challenged me on this. She asked me, "Did God ask you to let that go?"

I had to admit - no, He didn't. It's just too painful to hope, to dream, to have unmet desires. So I want to just give up.

It is a good exercise to stop and ask ourselves:

- Is this desire selfish?

- Is it an idol in my life? (has it become an "ultimate" thing? - something I could't imagine life being happy or joyful without?)

- Has God told me to let it go?

- Is He instead asking me to trust Him deeper, including to trust in His timing?

In her book (which I've referenced before - it's that good) Better Than My Dreams, Paula Rinehart states:

It takes such courage to stay awake to a possibility - to keep bringing a hungry heart back to God, over and over, until he says it's time to let go. It takes faith to believe that if God says no to a good dream . . . it means God is up to something that will, eventually, have his glory written all over it. I find that trusting God with my life often leads to a place that's exhilirating and yet oddly painful at times. Indeed, it can hurt to hope . . . The paradox here is that while it may hurt to hope, the dangers of not hoping are far worse. 

She goes on to write about how we should not live with low expectations or let these dreams die, but instead keep running to God. To process life with Him, even in our disappointments. To be real with God, to struggle through these things with Him. That your life is part of a bigger story, even bigger than the dreams and plans that you have.

It can be tempting to just work these things out on our own, or to run away with our emotions . . . but as Tim Keller has said, "Every single emotion that you have should be processed in prayer."

It's so much easier said than done . . . but let's keep hoping, keep running, keep struggling, keep trusting that God is good - even in disappointment.

bold and confident

I have been meditating on a few of God's promises lately . . .

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry,“Abba, Father.” 

- Romans 8:15

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.- Hebrews 4:16 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. - Ephesians 2:8-9 

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace . . . - Ephesians 2:13-14 

It is such a simple . . . yet astonishing and miraculous truth, to know that we have full access to the Father. That we can have a personal relationship with the one who created the universe.

Because Jesus did everything necessary in our place, we now have all the benefits of being God's adopted children. We are told that we have been brought near to God, and that we can cry out to Him as our Father. 

We don't have to clean ourselves up, get our act together, or get that one stubborn habit under control first. 

He invites us as we are - as we are! - to just come. 

We don't have to follow a ten-step program, be in a certain building, be "good enough," or go through someone to get to God. Jesus has done everything necessary to bridge the gap. 

On the cross, He declared It is finished! (John 19:30). That means there's nothing you or I could add or take away from salvation, from grace, from His invitation to come into relationship with Him.

I cannot express how much this truth has changed my life. How comforting and relieving it is to know that you are welcomed, fully known and fully loved - despite all of my sin, my flaws, my daily struggles. 

Reflecting on this helps me to see more of what Paul meant when he said, Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. (Philippians 3:8)

Yes, Jesus is the greatest treasure.

calling to mind

If there's one thing I'm taking away from the book "One Thousand Gifts," it's the power that a little perspective change and gratitude can have.

The author kept a log of what she was thankful for . . . even in the daily, mundane, ordinary. Little signs of God's hand in her life, blessings.

It calls to mind how God is involved in the smallest details of our lives.

I also read a book on prayer a few years ago that suggested writing prayer cards for different areas of your life . . . with a few specific prayer requests that you're presenting to God at the time. I kept a handful of those cards and pulled one out the other day. This card is almost two years old, and God answered every prayer that I had written down. It was amazing and encouraging to see how God has worked in such tangible ways. To call to mind those things as well.

I was inspired to start doing this again . . . to keep a journal of specific prayer requests, as well as the little things that I am thankful for on a regular basis. That way my eyes are opened to the hand of God even in the most "dull" moments . . . and I can look back and see how He has carried me and answered specific prayers.

I will share a glimpse of my "thankful" list . . .

- scent of gardenias and honeysuckle
- summer thunderstorms
- airplane noise
- the smell of laundry as I pass through a neighborhood on a jog