October 13, 2010

road trip what

I like to live in Sarah world . . . where I'm a sweet, angelic nice person, seeking after God.

Enter family road trip.

Exit fa├žade.

Seriously. Nothing like a road trip or being around family for extended periods to bring out the worst in you. Put the two together and it's dynamite for tearing down my walls of illusion.

I drove down with my dad, and I forgot how picky I am when it comes to stopping during road trips. He didn't want to stop at subway for lunch so I suggested we stop at Arby's in hope that they had tuna salad on one of their market fresh sandwiches.

Well, not only did they not have any pescatarian or vegetarian options, the whole joint smelled like a giant armpit. So what did I do? Sat like a hoodie-clad, moody teenager with my sulky eyes while I ate my protein bar and stared at the floor.

Lack of sleep, lack of vegetables, gross rest stops where the soap smells like old man cologne, eating only protein bars for lunch and being bored really whips me into bad shape.

I also get discouraged and frustrated when I feel like the spiritual leader in the family, or fear that they look at me as this cracked out, uber religious, rule-following girl.

It really doesn't help that I have an irritated, bad attitude there too. I just want to shake people and plead/yell at them - "Why don't you want to go to church? Don't you have any reverence for God? Don't you want to seek Him? Why aren't you in a small group? What are you doing with your life? What's wrong with you?!"

Like Hillary Faye in the movie Saved!, when she throws the Bible at Mary while screaming, "I am FILLED with the love of Christ!!"



I'm sure that would get me places.

I went to church with my Aunt & cousins, and it's funny how the preacher talked about what I really needed to hear.

Evangelism is heavy on my heart and I just have no idea how to do it, especially when I just get such a bad attitude.

We've been talking about this at Summit and in small group, and the preacher was talking about how you can't scream at people, scheme about it, Bible thump, etc. - none of those work (and I knew that, I just needed to hear it).

When we are loving, compassionate, generous and honest - that's when there can be an impact. Not when you're self-righteous, yelling at people or hostile.

It's also realizing that God pursues people individually and that it's between Him and them - not a conference call with me as some kind of third party. Trusting those people to God, not thinking that it's my sole responsibility that they get to know Him.

Just seeing myself in some of my worst states, seeing my own sin - it's a miracle He loves me, is so faithful and wants to use me, so how can anyone be too messed up for Him to rescue and redeem?

Again . . . nothing like a road trip and family to show me how dirty and sinful my heart truly is.

My sister was telling me about her boyfriend's grandmother . . . how kind, generous and loving she is, and how she will just be going about her business but randomly stops to put her hands on my sister and pray for her, then continues milling about the house.

I thought about how beautiful that is, and how I long to be a woman like that. To make a positive impact, not drive people away.

I think part of the problem is that I'm terribly impatient - I want to see dramatic change when I want to see it instead of trusting God to work in the lives of those I'm praying for. I just need a reminder that He is the one who created them, that He loves them more than I ever could, that only He can change hearts . . . and it's on His timeline, not mine.
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