the small things

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I have been reading a book called "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby and Claude King . . . there is a workbook to go along with it (similar to a Beth Moore study) and I've slowly been going through it over the past few weeks.

The authors help you to learn what it means to really know God and have a closer relationship with Him.

One of the main points is this: God is always at work around you. Watch to see what He is doing and join Him.

So often we think that we have to go and "do" something on our own for God, instead of doing something with God and allowing Him to use you and work through you.

I have been praying that God would open my eyes to what He's doing around me. I was expecting and hoping for something huge, out of the ordinary, monumental, etc.

But this week, a friend reminded me that God is working in my small group.

It caught me off guard.

When I was looking for something crazy out in left field, I was missing what's right in front of me.

Sometimes God does show us amazing and grandiose things.

But He's right there in the small details, in the daily, "normal" things. How often do I overlook this?

I lead a small group, and God is working in the hearts and lives of these women I encounter every week.

God is working in my co-workers and friends who initiate conversations with me about Him.

God is working in the patient who is holding onto His promises each day through a chronic illness.

Where is God working around you?

I pray that God would continue to open our eyes to where He is working, and that we would be delighted in the small things.

It reminds me of this song, "Whisper" by Natalie Grant.

on being alone

My roommate has been out of town this week, and it's revealing what I already knew to be true . . . I don't love being alone.

When you're home alone, suddenly ordinary noises become magnified . . . like the ice machine, or the light in the fridge (yes, it made an amazingly loud sound the other night), or just the normal creaks and groans a house makes in the middle of the night.

I was by myself for most of Tuesday, and by the evening I just felt this yearning to be social. I was excited to go to work on Wednesday because that meant I would be with people all day.

That's how I know I'm an extrovert.

I can really only handle about 12 hours of being in isolation before I start to go cray cray. There is such a thing as thinking too much or being inside your head too much, you know?

I really really really want to get married and have a family one day, but right now God has me in a different spot. I have an amazing roommate, amazing friends, amazing community that He's gifted me with and I'm so thankful. But I'm telling you . . . if I never get married, I don't think I'll be able to live alone.

Sometimes I think I need to suck it up and say something like, "it's OK, I don't need people, all I need is God." And it's true that He is to be our sustainer, our fulfillment, our lasting joy and source of life. But there's so much that I'm missing when I start to think that I don't "need" anyone or anything . . . as if I'm supposed to live in a vaccuum.

It's comforting to know that God designed us as relational beings. Even He didn't design me to be an island. So when I start to feel the pangs of loneliness, it's OK . . . it's normal.

I read a post on the Gospel Coalition that highlights this:
(see the entire post here)

"God said something quite profound about the man. Perhaps the most profound statement uttered about humanity in all of human telling, second only to explaining that male and female are uniquely created in the image of God.

What was this statement?

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone . . .'"
(Genesis 2:18)

Before the Fall had touched and defaced humanity and creation, God said there was something that was not good. It was not good for man to be alone.

But what might we have said to God in response to His statement? I know what I would say:

"But God, I'm not alone. I have You, what else could I possibly want or need?"

God did not forget or overlook the fact of his own sufficiency. He wants to show us something very important about us, what God made us to be. Man was made for another, like him, but different as well. And it was not good without . . . her.

God made us in such a way that even in our sole relationship with him, we are not as we were created to be. Yes, that is very curious, even startling, but it's what God said.

Just as God is a community of Divine Persons, man as God's unique image-bearer in creation must live in a community of human persons. And the first community of human persons that God established is the communion of husband and wife called to enter a union of intense physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy of love which is life-giving, just as the Trinity is life-giving. This human pro-creative union will bring forth the third member of this human trinity after their own kind. A baby. A new generation God-imagers.

This is what God gave us to satisfy and solve the original problem of man's solitude.
Jesus is Lord of all creation. We must hold him above all and before all. But we don't hold him alone. We honor the Lord of all creation by enjoying, glorying, observing, and participating in the wonder, beauty, majesty, and fullness of His creation.

Christians are not  gnostics nor solipsists. We live in our Father's world. And we do so with others."

a perspective change

 

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
James 1:17

"In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I recently read this devotional by Mars Hill, titled "God never gives the wrong gifts" that was centered on James 1:9-11, 16-18. 

Mark Driscoll also preached this sermon on it. Both are awesome.

I have found that it's not natural to have a heart of gratitude. 

It's easier to focus on the things that you don't have, isn't it?

But when you take a step back and realize that everything, everything you have is a gift that God has freely given in His grace (undeserved, unmerited favor) . . . it changes things.

Instead of focusing on your unmet longings, your eyes are opened to how much you truly have . . . and it even becomes overwhelming.

It's good to reflect on this, to even make a list of things, blessings, gifts that you have been given. It will change your perspective, lift your gaze and your spirit.

I started this exercise today, and there is just so much to be thankful for. It's everything from being thankful that God chose to pursue me and have a relationship with me, to being thankful that I have health, that I have freedom and security in this country, for the comfort of a friend, for the smell of coffee in the morning, the sound of birds singing . . . and life suddenly becomes that much more beautiful.

on being a nurse . . . new grad edition, part one

Let me tell you a story . . . a story about being a new graduate nurse.

It all started, well, a long time ago. I will just begin when I graduated nursing school with honors, proud of my GPA, excited about starting life in the "real world." (I'm pretty sure my mom said something like - the world is your oyster!)
I had landed what I thought was my dream job, I was about to move back to my hometown and was just all around enthusiastic.

I had a vision of this next chapter of my life and it went something like this:

Living a glamorous life as a young professional in the city . . . I would have a beautiful apartment all to myself, I would not only adore my job in the ICU, but I would excel at it because of my GPA. My patients would all be calm, quiet and well-behaved. I would love my field so much that in my spare time, I'd read books and journal articles on critical care. I would float through this season with confidence, grace and ease.

You could say that I was a little bit idealistic.

Turns out life after college was a much bigger transition than I had anticipated.

When I started my new job, I had the support of my family and a close friend from college who was also living in the area, but I hadn't found my social niche quite yet. That is another challenge - finding friends and community after college. But I digress.

Remember the vision of how my life as an ICU nurse was going to be?

Enter the real world. I had about 12 weeks of one-on-one training with an experienced nurse (also called a preceptor) before I was going to be cut loose. I had never worked in a hospital before, or even worked a 12-hour shift.

All at once, I was learning how to be a nurse, learning how to be a critical care nurse, and just trying to figure out life in the "real world" in general. Overwhelming was an understatement.

I remember those first weeks in the hospital. I was no longer in my safe, comfortable bubble that I had when I was working as a medical assistant in a clinic in Wilmington.

I found myself in an unfamiliar, unpredictable, uncomfortable, overwhelming world. The doors to the ICU used to make this daunting click! click! sound as they unlocked and swung open every time you swiped your badge to enter the unit. Cue my adrenaline.

I quickly realized that I didn't just need a good GPA, or book smarts - I needed experience and judgement and critical thinking skills to fly here.

When you're a new graduate nurse, you go through this insanely steep learning curve. Week two, I was in full blown reality shock (and that's legit one of the stages of the curve). I remember thinking . . . "What have I done? I went to school for this? really?"

In this new environment I was eager to learn and do well, but at the same time I was very insecure, quiet and shy. My preceptor was exactly the opposite. I don't think I will ever forget her.

Those dreams of my patients being quiet and well behaved all went out the window when I met one of my first patients.

Ms. Patient was riding her bike to work when she was struck by a truck, and acquired multiple fractures as well as a head injury.

The thing about head injuries . . . they can make you confused, lose your short term memory, change your personality, cause you to become impulsive . . .

About the fifth time she yelled out into the hall, my preceptor told me that it was my turn to go into the room, and re-orient her ("You were in an accident, you're in the hospital, you're OK, etc")

She was laying in the bed with her eyes closed, banging her arm on the side rail and hollering, "open the door!!"

I gently said, "You're in a hospital bed, you're not in a car . . . there is no door."

*golden silence for 30 seconds*

*rattling of side rail re-commences*

"open the window!!!!"

. . . this is gonna be a long night.

on being a nurse . . . and life . . . and faith.

      

This March will mark six years that I've been a critical care nurse.

It has been a wild ride. There are just so many things that nursing school can't prepare you for. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I can honestly say that I love my job.

I was reflecting on it this past week . . . being a nurse has taught me so much. I cannot articulate it all and I certainly cannot cram it into a blog post, but here is some of it.

Especially being in a surgery/trauma ICU, where life can hang in such a delicate balance and uncertainty marks each hour.

My experience and my patients have taught me that life is such a gift. It is precious and valuable, yet so fragile. Every day we have is given to us by grace.

Every now and then, the things I see scare me. I start to wonder - what if I get in a car accident that leaves me paralyzed from the neck down? What if I were to be diagnosed with a life-altering and/or life-threatening illness? What if I get married or have a family and those things happen to my loved ones?

Would I turn to rage? despair? Would I lose my identity? Would I fall apart?

It all points me to this: we are living our lives in some kind of hope.
Where do I place my hope, my joy, my security?

I can't place my hope in my age, health, or any other circumstance . . . all of those things can be threatened, altered or taken away. I need to place my hope in something that is unshakeable.

Christ is our only firm foundation. In Him, we have something that disease and death cannot touch. In fact, those things can give us more of Him as we press deeper into the gospel during suffering and pain.

 I have seen a man, whose body was ravaged by disease, hold hope in his eyes as he told me that his condition has changed his life for the better. That he is no longer afraid to talk to people about Jesus.

I have watched miraculous recoveries and patients brought literally from death to life.

I have seen trauma, death and disease claim the lives of those who were far too young.

I have watched a young wife and mother stand by her husband as he fought for his life, her future and her family's future suspended in uncertainty. I heard her speak of hope that she has in the presence and promises of God in the middle of her suffering.

Nothing shouts the gospel like someone who is holding onto God in the middle of such a trial. I can see the true value and treasure that Christ is so clearly.

God holds our lives and our future in His hands, and we can trust Him. We are called to live by faith and not by sight, after all. No difficulty can enter our lives unless is passes through His hands. He promises to never leave or forsake us, and that His love is better than life.

Whatever the future holds, He will give us what we need. He will carry us, sustain us, be our hope and our joy even in the most dire of circumstances.

"Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ." — Sheila Walsh

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
 when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me
Psalm 23:4

Consider this

After getting home from Nicaragua, I felt like royalty. We have so, so much - but it's easy to not realize, and take for granted.

I mean think about it . . . we walk around as if we're in control of our lives, but then you stop and think. I have been given so many opportunities and gifts simply for being born in this country. I had a wonderful childhood. I was born into a loving family and had a comfortable lifestyle - I did not choose the socioeconomic class I was born into, I did not choose my parents or my family, I did not choose the city or state or hospital I was born in . . . I was placed into public school, given opportunities and choices that I would not have if I had been born in another country. The peers that surrounded me growing up, the people who have been placed in my life, the circumstances that have fallen around me - none of these things were in my control, honestly.

My life would be so different if any of those little things had been adjusted, and my life would be drastically different if I was born into another country. What if I lived in a third world country, was born into poverty and never had the chance to learn how to read? What if I was born into an abusive family? What would my life look like?

The possibilities are endless. It's stunning to think that even the tiniest of details could affect the way my life is now . . . and how really, none of these things are in my control. I have to believe that God placed me here for a reason - I find it to be clearer than ever. If He is fully sovereign, that is the conclusion. I find myself asking, "why?" . . . but maybe I won't figure it out right now, maybe even ever.

In our culture, we are constantly taught that life is all about us. It's all about self-gratification, self-discovery, and how you should do whatever makes you feel good, whatever makes you happy. We walk around with this false sense of entitlement that you can even see in the kids over here. But . . . this trip, along with God knocking me upside the head a few times, has reminded me that everything we have is pure grace. We have been so insanely, richly blessed.

And not only that, but these things - our finances, education, security, comfort, possessions, false sense of control - all of these things can blind us from seeing how deep our need for and dependence on God is.

The people in Nicaragua and other countries do not have the luxuries that we have . . . more often than not, they're just trying to survive, while our society is out trying to experience everything, running after the pursuit of happiness or the American dream . . . 

All I know to do right now is to respond in gratitude for the crazy blessings He has given me and to keep running to Him. To remember that material things, experiences, creature comforts, relationships, careers - none of these things were meant to satisfy the longings of our souls. Only God can fill that gaping hole that we are trying so desperately to cram everything else into.