je ne sais pas

So . . . I am of course still thinking about how bored and pointless my life seems right now.

I was thinking about it today and trying to surrender these thoughts to God, and I just really feel like He's telling me, "Seek Me, get to know Me before you worry about everything else."

And honestly, I want my life to honor God. I want my life to be worship to Him in response to what He's done for me.

And . . . it's completely logical for me to get to know Him before I try to take on the world and get preoccupied with life. How can I do what He wants me to, if I don't even know His heart? And who's to say He's not preparing me for something I can't see or testing my patience right now.

If J.D.'s sermon on Sunday about Esther taught me anything, it's about God's sovereignty. How He will accomplish His purposes and His plans . . . and how he uses our mistakes and circumstances to do so if we're willing. I really would love to know beyond a doubt that I am here for a reason, in my circumstances for some kind of purpose. To know that I'm where I am "for such a time as this." (Esther 4:14)

But first and above everything, God calls us to seek Him. The first and greatest commandment is to know Him and love Him with everything (Matthew 22:37-38).

I know that He will grow me, sanctify me and use me if I'm seeking Him and willing. After all, He promises to do so in scripture (Phil 1:6).

Sanctification is like . . . I thought of this phenomenal analogy today as I was driving home from the gym. I used to drink diet coke like it was water. Seriously. Ever since my freshmen year of college, I would drink at least 1-2 a day and my body craved it if I didn't get my daily dose. I could even put away a 2-liter in less than 12 hours if I felt like it. I decided a few months ago that it probably wasn't good to constantly pump artificial sweeteners and extra caffeine into my system, so I decided to give it up. It was really hard at first and I wanted to punch my fist through the wall the first day sans diet coke, but by the end of the week I felt absolutely fabulous . . . and I still have it every now and then, but hardly ever.

I quit craving it. Now, I honestly crave water (it sounds weird, trust me . . . I used to hate drinking only water, but now I love it) . . . and I was craving water when I left the gym, so maybe that's why I thought of this analogy.

Anyway, Sanctification is like craving water. God changes our hearts so that we begin to think like Him and desire what He desires. Instead of our selfish desires (like diet coke), we start to take on His desires (like water) . . . and He uses that for His purposes. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that's all I got. Not to say that I've figured out my current dilemma, but that there's hope in the midst of confusion and chaos.

25 going on 26

Oh. my.

I remember in college when it was unheard of to go to bed at 11pm because it was too early. I remember staying up until at least 1am every night, no matter how early I had to get up for work or class the next day.

Now here I am, age 25, getting cross-eyed at 10:30pm out of tiredness.

what is going on??!!

Anyway, I was thinking today . . . what is the point?

Sometimes I just feel so bored with life, I start to question my purpose, I question if I'm doing anything worthwhile, why am I here? I just feel like my life is so random and pointless.

I was watching Iron Man last night and one of the characters tells Tony Stark not to waste his life. I know it's totally cheesy, but it made me think.

I really don't want to waste my life. I don't want to live for myself, and I want to have purpose.

I just wonder if there's a reason that my life is so seemingly uneventful, or if I'm to blame for mediocrity and the boredom that I encounter. Is God teaching me something in this season, or am I just not living to my potential?

I just have a hard time trying to understand this. I also have a hard time understanding God's sovereignty. If I know that the creator of the universe is in control and in the details of my life, then I can rest, knowing that He's calling the shots. I can rest knowing that there is purpose to even the seemingly boring periods.

And yet, I must admit that I'm content where I am right now. I just haven't seen crazy dramatic things happen lately so maybe that's why I'm questioning purpose.

But I still struggle with wondering if I'm missing out on something, if God wants to do something through me that I'm just too blind, disobedient or ignorant to see.

I don't really know what to do with this other than to lay it at His feet and trust in His timing. I don't know what to do during this season than to seek Him and try to get to know Him better, even when I don't understand the details of my life. To trust that He is sovereign. To know that He is infinite and operates on an eternal time line, while I am finite and have a limited point of view.

This is my Father's world
Let me never forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet