June 29, 2009

I got skeletons and zombies tryin' to drag me back to frikkin' Egypt . . .

(Don't make me break out the emo poetry.)

"I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.

You think you over something an' you think you're ready to get on with your life . . . this is how you really find out if you over somethin' or not -

If you get a' opportunity to get even with somebody who did you wrong and you don't take it, then you're over it. But if you do, and you beat the hell outta him, then you ain't over it yet."


Isn't it aggravating how the struggles we thought were over, or were dealt with come back to bite us in the butt?

There are broken relationships that I thought were healed because I felt at peace . . . thought my feelings were reconciled and my emotions had checked out of the game.

My impulses got the best of me and I found a picture of my ex last night. As soon as I saw it, I thought idiot (in a Napoleon voice of course) . . . why did I do that?

Anxiety and rage infected me so much that I had a hard time falling asleep. Really? Seriously, Sarah? How can another human hold such power over me? Sometimes I think first relationships are simply destined to curse and haunt you like that. Memories, words exchanged, pictures, etc. all have a way of spitting in my face.

So what do we do when the skeletons and zombies are getting the best of us?

That is the whole purpose of this note.

My instinct is to run to my Father's arms. He is the only safe, secure refuge. The only one who can heal and transform my heart. He is the only positive, stable thing in my life. If there is anything good in this world, it's from Him. (James 1:17)

I look at my life two years ago, and I compare it to Egypt. When I look at my life now, I see myself being led through the desert by my Father. (Can you tell I've been reading a lot of Old Testament lately?)

I am such an Israelite. Sometimes, I complain, whine and turn away, delirious, yearning for Egypt. Hallelujah that God is insanely faithful to us and loves us in a way that we will never understand. He is ridiculously patient with us, especially in our darkest hours. He alone knows what's best for us, even when we're so convinced that our way is better.

We're going to have our moments where God allows certain things into our life, painful things. He allows us our free will, He lets us make bad choices if we're so determined. Two years ago I know I made some foolish choices and was trying to run from Him.

But you know what? He pursues us as the faithful and loving Father that He is. He picked me up, removed some things from my life, and put me back in the right direction - towards Him. In our most rebellious moments, He is still there loving us, calling us home. He wants nothing more than to be with us, to love us, to bless us. Why, I will never truly grasp.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3:17-19

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:38-39

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
-Isaiah 54:10

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."
-John 10:27-30

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands . . .

-Isaiah 49:15-16

It is maddening and extremely humbling to know that in our darkest moments, God still loves us, wants us, and pursues us all the same.

When all I want to do is take up smoking and drinking. When, every time my mouth opens, all I want to come out is obscenity and profanity. When malicious thoughts rack through my brain. When I'm running, frantically, in the wrong direction. When I want to keep running until my shins splinter and my lungs collapse. When my heart is so filthy that it triggers my gag reflex. When I am pushing Him away. When I am spitting in His face. When I am trying to blaze my own trail through this madness called life. When I cover my ears to His voice . . .

He STILL holds us in His hands. He STILL loves us beyond understanding. He STILL calls us child. He STILL wants the best for us. He STILL adores us and wraps us in His arms, He STILL transforms our hearts. He STILL blesses us beyond measure. He STILL calls us home and wants to be with us.

I should be astounded every day . . . shoot, I should be amazed in the fact that my heart is still beating.

1 comment:

  1. I love the Madea shout-out! Happy Birthday Sarah! I am so glad I finally found your blog. It's awesome, you're awesome, and I love you friend!


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