My own worst enemy

Last night I read over a few of my old Facebook notes, some of the posts on this blog and it hit me . . . the downfall of the public blog.

I look back on a note I wrote 6 months ago, and I smack my forehead.

I thought I understood or knew what I was talking about, but I didn't. I wrote about concepts with the pretension of full understanding/knowing, but in reality I had only begun to grasp them.

Such is life, I suppose. It's like how when I was a teenager, I thought I understood everything there was to know, and that I knew better than my parents. We all know that is a lie.

Anyway, I feel like I get hyper, passionate and ultimately too eager to express my thoughts . . . which can be a downfall. If I publish these thoughts in a blog or note, then everyone can see what an idiot I was 6 months ago (or even now). (that's what I meant by the downfall of the public blog)

BUT, it also humbles me, which is good.

God has truly opened my eyes in the past week. I feel like I am gaining a fresh understanding of the Gospel, of the relationship He longs to be in with humanity . . . I could go on for hours. I basically feel like a new Christian.

I want to write about what I'm going through, and what God has revealed to me, but I am afraid of expressing my thoughts and epiphanies too prematurely - in effects that I will regret publishing them - that I will smack my forehead and mutter "idiot!" in a few days, and then delete everything in frustration.

The knowledge of God and the Gospel is too vast, too beautiful, too mysterious for any of us to truly capture and fully (and I mean fully) understand. I know that I can't. I feel like I'm just beginning to really get it . . . but I have a long way to go.

This is beautiful in the sense that it affirms my human-ness, the fact that my mind is much smaller than God's, and that it humbles me.

In the end, I suppose it is indeed a good thing if we can look back on where we were 6 months ago and laugh or smack ourselves at how we thought we had it together . . . when in reality, we were kind of clueless. It means that we're making progress. And it's very humbling.