Hurricane

Caught in between knowing You and trusting me
Come on take a ride out of the in-betweens
Now I know I need You

When I can't see, I will trust You
And when I get weak, I trust You
And when I just can't let it go
I trust that You are in control

Shelter me so I can find some peace
Grabbing hold of You is letting go of me
It's easy when I remember I possess all that lays beyond my grasp
Your power commands the weight off my back
"I Trust You" - Skillet


The future freaks me out.

Especially when I start to get restless in my circumstances. I just want to know what the next step is. When I can't seem to find any direction, I conclude that I must be doing something wrong, and that's why God hasn't spelled it out for me.

I forget things like . . . maybe I'm here for a reason. Maybe God is doing something in me that I just can't see.

Or maybe He's teaching me to be content. Maybe He's teaching me to be faithful and patient when I can't see, when I'm bored, when things look bleak, and when I don't understand.

Instead, I feel like running and being "productive" is much more important. It feels like doing works and keeping my schedule booked is more valuable than just spending time at His feet.

I have a very hard time sitting still. I love having a job and schedule that keeps me constantly moving. I have a very low tolerance for boredom. I had to go to the coffee shop today just to get away from the black hole of busyness and distractions in my apartment and on the internet.

I want more than anything to be on the path that God is calling me to. What if, instead of searching for the next tangible step, I just rested? If I took a moment to seek His face? (Plus, how can I effectively serve God if I don't know His character or what He truly desires?)

In the past, I have found that when I do slow down and set aside time to spend with Him, the next step flows naturally . . . but only after I have purposefully sat still at His feet.

Yet, every fiber of my being groans against this . . . I just want to stay moving.

I also want to just freak out about the future versus trust God with it. Somewhere, my circumstances are blowing up and a dismal picture of the future is painted in my imagination.

I start to rely on myself and my viewpoint, my resources, my knowledge, my ability to predict the future. My fears blow up and suddenly I've taken God out of the equation.

I forget that He will be right there with me in the future, no matter what it holds. I forget that He is the only one who can save me from myself, and who can handle my fears, my hopes, my future.

I'm reading the book, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World," by Joanna Weaver and it's pretty awesome.

In one of the chapters I just read, she talks about fear versus concern. She quotes Gary E. Gilley who states, "Worry is allowing problems and distress to come between us and the heart of God. It is the view that God has somehow lost control of the situation and we cannot trust Him. A legitimate concern presses us closer to the heart of God and causes us to lean and trust on Him all the more."

I have to throw out a few other quotes from her in the chapter . . .
"fretting magnifies the problem, but prayer magnifies God . . . So much depends on our perspective. If my God isn't bigger than life, then my life is bigger than God - and that's when anxiety takes over."

It's funny how hard it is to trust sometimes. It helps to look back and see those tangible moments in our lives when God has provided for us, or shown His faithfulness. That helps us trust Him with our future, but it's still scary. I know I want to be in control, I want things to happen on my timetable, and I want to see into the future. Yet, it doesn't seem to happen that way.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
. . .
For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:25-27, 32-34

And what if, during this weird phase of life . . . instead of freaking out about it, what if I did seek His face? What if I did seek first His kingdom and righteousness? What would that look like? What if I sought to use this time wisely?

If I first worked on my relationship with God, and went from there? If I started to see opportunities to love and serve the people that are in my life now? If I could see the freedoms and advantages in the single life, rather than despairing over it and wishing for the next step to be spelled out?

What if I chose to trust rather than freak out? If I chose to see possibility and opportunity rather than despair?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7