July 11, 2010


One of the things I hate about Raleigh is that there's no room to breathe. Sometimes I feel like ocean water runs through my bloodstream and my soul belongs in a coastal town. I really miss Wilmington sometimes, and how easy it was to just escape at the beach. In RDU, there's no place to "escape" . . . the closest thing I've found is one of the lakes around here, but I feel like I'm gonna get snatched when I go there by myself. Nothing compares to the smell of the ocean, the sound of the surf and the feel of the breeze tousling through my hair. I feel like I can truly "let go" when I'm there. I just get frustrated when I try to do that here. Awesome.

A perpetual prayer of mine is that God would reveal to me the areas of my life that I'm not following Him . . . and more specifically, the idols and false gods that I'm chasing after.

Well, I must confess that a constant idol is the scale, the size of my jeans, and the mirror.

This is not new . . . it's something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember, and I think it may be every woman's struggle.

It's funny how much control one seemingly small area of your life can have over you, and how quickly it can take over and choke out almost everything else.

I realize that a lot of my life is driven by fear and guilt. This being one of them.

I weigh myself every week, and the number that it reveals to me sets the mood of that day, or even that week. It's funny how that number has power to make me either depressed or somewhat content.

I constantly evaluate everything I put into my body, and I generally feel guilty about it. I am driven by obligation in my food choices and workout habits - obligation that is generated by guilt of what I've eaten, or fear of that number on the scale or the size of my clothes.

I remember in college that this struggle led me to a lot of tears, rage, and hatred towards myself. I will say that it has improved since then, but still has a hold on me.

I was eating dinner with my mom a few months ago, and she asked me why I felt like I needed to lose weight. I guess I didn't have a good reason for her - I think I said something like, "I just do." She asked me what number on the scale would make me happy. I told her a number, but then I changed my mind a few times, as that number got lower and lower.

Since that time, I've actually reached that number (well, the first number anyhow), but I'm still unhappy. I will never be satisfied with the number, no matter how low it gets. When the scale tells me a "good" number, I don't believe it. No matter how many people tell me I look good or thin, I cannot listen. I don't believe them, I brush it off.

I realize that I will never be satisfied with my weight or appearance . . . at least in the state I'm in now. I'm perpetually chasing after something I cannot obtain. It really makes no sense . . . yet it restrains me, tells me I'm not good enough, tells me that it's the reason why I'm unhappy, tells me that it's the reason I'm single, etc. etc.

So what is the answer? Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to wrestle with this the rest of my life - but how do I get out of it's grip and power over me?

I have to understand that my value, worth and identity cannot be found in my appearance or weight. That He is the only God who will satisfy when I am in His presence. That He offers rest, while my endless pursuit of "beauty" will never give me what I'm looking for. That my appearance or opinion of myself cannot satisfy my soul's longings.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30

Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
-John 10:7-10

1 comment:

  1. Sarah- I think this post is so nice. You said it perfectly. I miss you girl! And you have always been beautiful!


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