Monster

I'm sick of it.

I'm also very impatient.

I'm sick of my comfortable American lifestyle . . . sick of living in a bubble.

Sick of the American dream being shoved down my throat and into my system. Sick of chasing a status, a number, a self-image.

God has been graciously reminding me that I am not my own - I was, indeed, bought at a price.

. . . You are not your own; you were bought at a price . . .
- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

". . . the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
- Matthew 20: 28

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession . . .
-Ephesians 1:13-14

If I am truly not my own, then I am daily laying down my own desires at His feet and surrendering the plans that I've made for myself into His loving hands. Yes, this is scary. Yes, this can feel risky. Yes, it shows me how weak my faith is and how much I have been depending on myself and my own decision making skills.

Jesus said that anyone who wants to follow Him, they would have to do this.

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
-Mark 8:34-35

Do we take His words seriously? Do we even know what that means?

Jesus did not die on a cross so that I could occupy a seat at church, listen to "christian" music, and then mill around the other 6 days of the week, chasing the "American dream" . . . destined to get a good name for myself, make a comfortable living and be neatly framed in a white picket fence.

It's not enough for me to know the Gospel. But then again . . . if I truly know the Gospel, that means living the Gospel, not just reading it. And what does that look like?

I am so afraid of complacency and the mediocre, yet I feel that's what my life is currently. It's not enough for me to talk about ideas, dream, and vision cast.

Jesus got his hands dirty. He hung out with the poor, the destitute, the misunderstood, the outcasts. I need to not be afraid to get my hands dirty. I need to become allergic to my comfort zone.

I have been dreaming of working with a church plant for over a year now. It's exciting to think about something like this - hypothetically. When it comes time to take action, it's rather unsettling.

I was talking with a friend about it Saturday night, and she was encouraging me to live the way I say I want to live - more radically, and different from my peers. But then, fear started to creep in. The gods of comfort, security, self-reliance started to tear away at the flesh of my heart and make a claim over it.

I thought . . . but I want to get married one day, I want to have a family, I want to have a secure job.

Really, Sarah? Is God only allowed to provide for you if you're staying in this area and relying on what your human eyes can see and what your 24-year-old human brain can comprehend and predict?

I'm really underestimating, doubting and short-sighting God when I do this. I'm putting Him in a nice little box and telling Him what He can and can't do . . . what areas of my life He's allowed to touch, and which areas I'm gonna buckle down and take care of myself.

Really?

I amaze myself with my stubbornness, lack of faith . . . and the amount of credit I give myself in decision-making.

I need to take a step back . . . and rely on Him to take care of the pieces of my life falling into place in His timing and in His loving control.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

So, red light flashing here. It says that HE will make my paths straight, not YOU will make your own paths straight. Duh.

Anyway . . . I'm so convinced that God does not call us to live a life where we acknowledge Him for a few hours on Sunday and then take the reins back over our own lives. I'm so convinced that He did not die on a cross to see lukewarm "christians" be lazy, complacent and self-seeking. That includes me, whom I'm preaching to.

I keep on living as if my universe (my bubble, or RDU) is the only thing that's out there. I keep on convincing myself that it's all about me.

But it's not! Once again . . . the world does not revolve around me, as much as I'd like it to. I am not my own . . . God reminds me that in His word, and He reminded me of that when He saved Tori & I on the side of a mountain a few weeks ago.

Why am I so shackled to the world? I love having community, having a group of friends, being close to my family, having a church home, having a stable job. I love being comfortable. I want to get married and have a family. I don't want to lose these things.

Do I love those things enough for them to hold me back from something greater? After all, what is the privilege of marriage compared to the greatness of knowing Christ? I have such restlessness in my heart - an urge to just DO something, but not sure what. I want to live in a way that points to Christ. I want to look people in the eyes and tell them that their redeemer, their rescuer wants a relationship with them . . . that they are loved and valued more than they can even imagine. That a better life is right here.

What in the world am I going to do with myself? Work with church planting? Go to Haiti? Change my lifestyle? Surrender my dreams and hopes to the One who created me, trusting that He knows what's truly best for me, no matter how much I want to hold onto my own plans?

I have no clue. I told God that if He would provide a way for me to go, I'll go. Whatever it is. I want to go. I don't even know what that means right now, but I want to do it.