May 10, 2010

Remember To Feel Real

See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know

Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

I'm on my own . . .

"On My Own" - The Used


I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins, the outs, the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

It comes and goes it comes and goes
Sometimes I go a little crazy . . .

"Creatures (For A While)" - 311


And this is how it feels when I
Ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself
When I keep running away from you

And this is who I am when,
When I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when
It's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you, I'm falling
Falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when
I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart
When I finally hit the ground

And this is how it hurts when I
Pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear
When I throw myself away

"Breathe Into Me" - Red


Sometimes it's a beautiful thing to be broken.

Sometimes I someone to tell me that I am human, and that it's OK.

Most of the time, I'm trying to be perfect. I feel like I have to have it all together, especially since I'm in a leadership position. I feel like I always have to be 100%, always happy, always pouring myself out.

I hate it when people ask you "how are you?" and you can't tell the truth, so you swallow that lump in your throat and say "good, how are you?"

When I'm upset, I don't want to burden other people with the truth. Because it's not convenient. I'm not OK . . . I'm upset and mad at life, but we don't have an hour to talk about it, so I tell you that I'm fine and put this plastic smile back on my face.

I also feel guilty for being upset at life. Because our joy is to be found in the Lord, I feel like it's a sin not to be in a constant state of contentment.

But I'm not always happy and I'm not always content with my circumstances. In fact, I get pretty pissed and depressed about it sometimes . . and then I get upset at myself for being upset. I feel very guilty about it.

And the cycle continues. It's a never ending cycle of discontentment, guilt and depression.

And then I need someone to talk to, but feel that I can't . . . because I don't want to bring someone else down, I don't want to take up someone's time, I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be a burden.

So I keep these erroneous, twisted thoughts in my head, where they only keep brewing and exploding and getting worse.

I feel like I have to be constantly pouring myself out, and so it's not OK for me to take time for myself, and it's not OK to be inwardly focused. Life's not all about me, and I can't be selfish.

And then I try to run away from all of it just to breathe and talk to God about the cluster/cycle/insanity, but there's nowhere to breathe here because the beach is two hours away and I have too many time commitments for my schedule to allow that trip.

Oh, and then I feel guilty for trying to escape because escapism is not the right way to deal with life.

And I continue to feel guilty about being upset at life in the first place.

And then I get mad at stupid things like gel pens from target and the coffee shop not having skim milk out by the half & half, and feel guilty for not recycling the cardboard box my printer came in . . . when you start getting mad at pointless things, that's when you really know something's wrong.

And then I have no idea why I feel so guilty about all of these things in the first place. I don't know why I have this illusion that I need to be perfect and happy 100% of the time.

I really need someone to save me from myself and from these thoughts . . . to thrust me into reality and out of the twisted world that's in my head . . . I hate how I have so many questions that I can't answer, about life and God and purpose . . . how there are certain questions we will perpetually wrestle with in this lifetime.

I just need to sit down and listen to God . . . it would just really help if the beach was here.

Back to my first thought, it is a beautiful thing to be broken. It reminds me of my need for God, and it allows me to run to Him for complete healing . . . even if the pain of life does not fully subside. I think God gives the pain more of a purpose, and He heals us . . . but I don't think He expects us to have it all together . . . otherwise the cross would have been completely in vain, and a million other reasons.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah Peters, sometimes I feel like we were separated at birth :)


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