May 4, 2010


I have totally been feeling like a zombie lately . . . as I mentioned in my last post.

I also must say that sometimes a blog is like the contents of your brain exploding onto a keyboard . . . and so this post might be a little lengthy.

It's funny and aggravating to me how easily I fall into a rut and get caught in old patterns, old struggles, run back to those idols that I thought were conquered.

I have been so bored with life, so inwardly focused, so discontent with my circumstances.

Chasing after the same old things . . . seeking to find meaning and purpose.

My thought processes and patterns catch me off guard. I was at church, of all places, and realized that I've been judging God's love for me based on my circumstances.

I, without being fully aware of it, was believing that there was something wrong with me, a reason that I'm not good enough, that God was withholding blessings from me. I'm just not in the right place spiritually and so God has been holding back.

Once I realized my futile thinking, I was a little taken aback by it. God displayed all of His power, love and grace on the cross. God's love for me will never, and has never changed . . . nothing I do or don't do could ever change that. If He saved me when I didn't even know Him - if He gave His own son for me when I was dead in my sins, then how could I think that He would withhold anything, or love me less? He cannot give me anything greater than what He's already given me in the cross. He cannot bless me with anything greater than His presence.

It's far too easy to count the tangible things and quickly start wondering why you don't have certain material blessings. It's far too easy to chase after the things that promise fulfillment in this world.

And then we wonder how we got back to this place. But I'm not fooled . . . I know it was because I haven't been spending as much quality time with God. I've been letting the little things get in the way . . .

Looking for meaning and fulfillment in validation and approval from other people, from my outward appearance, from being busy . . . I think those are my biggest struggles, at least when it comes to idols. And then buying the lies that are so convincing - that I'm not good enough, that there's something chronically wrong with me as a person, that I'm not doing enough.

But perhaps if I got back to where I need to be . . . perhaps if I found my identity, my meaning, purpose and fulfillment in God - it would free me from the boredom and discontentment in life I've been feeling. I would become so enthralled by Him and satisfied in Him. That I would remember life is not all about me - it's about a greater story and I can be a part of it. That my heart and desires would align with His. Perhaps if I turned to Him, I would be filled to the point of overflowing . . . and instead of being irritated or frustrated with people because I'm not getting something from them, I would be enabled to love them and pour myself out for them. I would be able to rest, knowing that my identity and approval is not dependent on how well I do at work or even in a ministry, or what people think of me. Instead of being a vacuum, I would be constantly outpouring.

People, relationships, a number on a scale were not meant to give us meaning. God is the only one who can fill that void . . . and the only one who can keep providing and supplying for our needs. It's just funny how often I have to be reminded of that.

And yet, He's always there when I finally get my head on straight . . . never to say "I told you so" or to condemn me. God is not controlling, and He allows us to choose our paths, even when there are not so good consequences. God forgives us of our sin, and not only that, but he absorbs the hurt and pain we bring upon ourselves as a result of the sin.

The Gospel is such a beautiful, captivating mystery. And humans are funny little creatures.

Sometimes I get mad because it's not easy. It's not easy to be awake. It's easier to be a zombie. It kind of sucks to be a zombie though, because you become calloused, bitter, disgruntled, discontent, and full of despair. It's harder to be awake and to be seeking after God. I think satan tries to throw everything at us to prevent us from getting to know God, and that's why it's so easy to be a zombie. I gravitate towards what satan tells me, especially when he tells me that I'll find fulfillment in this world, and that I'm worthless. What J.D. said this past weekend does make me feel a little better - that life as a christian is struggle. I get mad at the struggle, but if it's normal for us to struggle, then I guess I feel like I'm doing something right.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith . . .
- 1 Peter 5:8-9

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
- Ephesians 5:15-16

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