May 22, 2011

Fed to the fire

Transitions are overwhelming! Sometimes life seems to happen all at once and before you know it, walls start closing in.

I didn't realize how busy moving/unpacking/getting organized would be . . . Target has also become my second home, and I've never been so excited to buy a trash can in my life. I have been swimming in a sea of paint chips, and it totally consumed me until I finally picked (I think) colors that will work on the walls. I also didn't think about all of the things I now need . . . a garden hose, of all things - and flowers? You mean I have to prevent those plants around the house from dying? yeeeah, about that . . .

I feel like in the midst of transition, everything else takes a backseat. When you're trying to adjust to a new situation, it consumes you . . . and even though it's temporary, it's a little distressing.

I feel like my time in the Word is suffering because, well, I thought I had a hard time focusing before . . . but now, I sit down and immediately remember 10 people that I need to email, cookware that I want to buy, let me search for an area rug, oooh loft is having a sale, how can I organize my closet, when will I get this paint on the walls, I need to write up a lease, it's time to clean the kitchen again, I need to get my car inspected, I want more candles, why does my shower door make that god awful noise (seriously, someone help), oh my laundry is done - dang it, I gotta climb those steps again and my hamstrings are burning from yesterday's bodypump class . . . which reminds me, I need to go to the gym today, my grandma's birthday is tuesday so I should send her a card, oh I need to clean the kitchen. Did I mention the kitchen needs attention?

YEAH. I feel like ADHD on crack. And then I'm in a bad mood because I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day and I haven't even spent time with God this morning.

And then I think . . . look at the calendar. I have a test to study for, I've got to figure out the paint situation, I have to go to a meeting for work, trips out of town, weekly obligations, etc. etc. etc.

How can I balance life right now? I feel like my coping mechanisms have been blaring Nicki Minaj and drinking iced coffee while running around this town doing a million errands (but then the coffee keeps me from sleeping well at night, another stressor) . . . yeah.

How can I be a good nurse, a good friend, a good roommate, a good daughter, a good small group leader, and be growing in my walk with God . . . and still maintain personal obligations and appointments, not to mention a clean house, a healthy diet, a healthy workout regimen, and mental sanity? How can I do all of these things well? I feel stretched in a plethora of directions - and I'm just a single woman in my 20's.

If I feel this crazy when I'm only responsible for myself, how in the world can I ever function in a relationship, or a marriage, or a family? If I am this overwhelmed now and I don't know how to balance responsibility and health now, how can I ever take on more or survive in a different stage of life?

Logically, rationally, I know that God does not give us more than we can handle. In my head, I know He will give me grace to handle whatever comes my way. But this present moment is a whirlwind and the thought of the future is threatening to knock me off my feet. My mood is waning and my heart feels faint. I don't want my circumstances to dictate my mood and steal my joy, but that's how I feel - so I might as well be honest about it.

Everything inside me tells me that once I clean, organize and decorate this house, and knock out my to-do list I'll be normal again. But I know that if I could just focus enough to spend time with God, my soul would find rest once again.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

-1 Peter 5:6-10

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