Sick Cycle Carousel

Random thought . . . you never realize how much you use a muscle group until you're sore the next day from doing an ab workout . . . it's like really? I'm feeling this while driving down 540? aaanyway . . .

I don't know if anxiety is just my own sin manifesting itself, satan's advances on my life, or a combination of both.

If you can predict a pattern of behavior by past experience, then why do I struggle with doubting God's character and how He will act in my life?

I fall into this cycle where I paint the worst possible scenario for my life. I blow things out of proportion and predict what will happen today, tomorrow, years down the road - when in reality, only God knows what lies ahead.

God has never given me more than I could handle (often times it's painful and a struggle, but it never killed me). He has always provided for me, even when things looked bleak with no hope. He has blessed me in ways that I never could have expected or asked for. So why do I freak out so much and struggle with anxiety? Is it a lack of trust? Is worry just one of my weak spots?

Like I said . . . whatever the situation is that's causing me grief, I anticipate the absolute worst possible circumstance, then freak out about it. And you know what? Even those events that cause my stomach to knot in anticipation never turn out as bad as I think they will. Honestly, they never do. So why do I still fall into this cycle?

Shouldn't I look back and let God's faithfulness, presence and provision give me confidence for the future?

I also find it incredibly easy to focus on the negatives and forget the positives. Every flaw or mistake I find in myself, I magnify it and let it define me. I allow my shortcomings to negate anything positive.

If only I could grasp the Gospel more deeply. If I could just see the cross with my own eyes, I would better realize that Christ died for broken sinners who don't have their junk together. God created me and loved me before I could even form rational thoughts. That I could truly understand that I have a Father who loves and wants to care for fallen, messy, frazzled, anxious, needy humans who plague themselves with silly things like guilt and a full spectrum of emotions. That He would have paid that price regardless of how many mistakes I make or how often I flog myself with negativity. That His grace and his love reach deeper than I will ever understand . . . and suddenly I could realize that I am accepted and that we all have struggles and flaws . . . and God wants to not only redeem us, but wants to work through imperfect people.