Confessions

I think I might be onto something.

I have come to realize that I have a few thought processes that (shocker) may be in err, and misconceptions if you will.

I feel that unless I move to another state or another country, I'm not really being a good follower of Jesus. I feel like if I stay here, I cannot make a difference and I cannot be living radically enough.

I feel like I have to make dramatic changes to my life in order to truly be following Christ. I feel like I have to sell everything I have, quit my job, and move out of the area in order to truly be living the way He wants me to.

I feel like my life is too ordinary, too comfortable, too "normal" . . . too much like everyone else's. Does my life look different? Does my claim to be a Christian actually hold any weight, or am I living the way that the rest of the world is?

Talking to my parents this afternoon helped me realize some of my misconceptions.

I will admit that yes, I do tend to feel guilty about my circumstances. For the family I was born into, the lifestyle that I have been born and raised in, the education that I was given, the job, living circumstances, and current surroundings that I am in. I have way more than I deserve, and yes - I feel guilty about it.

I think about people less fortunate than myself, and I feel guilty or wrong for having what I do. Maybe that's part of the reason why I feel like I have to make such drastic changes. I don't know.

My parents tried to tell me that I have a talent - nursing . . . and I can use that gift to help people. They also tried to tell me that it's not wrong to have a well-paying job, and that it's not wrong to have money . . . after all, the more money you have, the more you can give away. They have volunteered time and resources that they would not have been able to if they didn't have money.

I still have a hard time with this.

But what if, instead of feeling guilty for the circumstances, material blessings and resources that I have . . . what if I used those to reach out to those around me? What if I tried to reach out here in RDU, instead of feeling like I'm no good unless I'm in a different state or different country? What if I viewed my workplace as a mission field? What if I am here for a reason . . . and what if God really does want me here right now?

This hurts my head. I'm still feeling rather lost, restless and worthless if I stay in my present circumstances.

I really just want to know what it means to LIVE out the Gospel, not just claim to be a "believer" of it, if that makes sense. I do not want to conform to the pattern of this world - I want to live the way Jesus is calling me to. If I can use my skills, gifts, abilities, resources and profession to do that, it would be amazing. Maybe I'm short-sighting God and myself when I feel that I have to move out of RDU in order to live the way I'm called. Why not start trying to live it out now, despite my current circumstances? Why not use what God has given me, in the area He has placed me currently? Hmmmm . . .

Again . . .it all falls to this - I want my life to be a huge arrow pointing to Christ. I want my life to shout the Gospel. I just don't know how to do that.