we're not getting any younger

Confession . . .

I generally roll out of bed with one of three thoughts in my head:

1) EWW it's 5:15.
2) *Ugh* I am so fat (if I ate "bad" the night before)
3) :) I feel well-rested. Now what? (and then I feel bored)

Are any of these really glorifying to God? Not that I think I should roll out of bed with sunshine coming out of my . . . well. But the attitude that I wake up with can really impact the way the whole day is going to roll out.

If I wake up on a day like today, where I don't really have to be anywhere until tonight and feel bored, I start to question my life.

I'm not getting any younger! I feel bored. Where is my life going? Am I actually doing anything with my life? What should I be doing today? Oh my gosh, 26 years old. Is my life where it should be? I have no clue what the future holds, and most of the time I don't want to think about it . . . but I'm not getting any younger. I feel like every day should be filled with purpose. Or at least I should be trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. What if I never get married and have a family? Will my life still have purpose? Is it OK for me to be this excited over new Nike pants? These are real questions, people.

But then I remember what Paul writes in Philippians:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
-Philippians 4:4-9

What's that? Rejoice when my life feels like it's going somewhere? Rejoice when I am happy with my life - when I feel useful, productive and happy with myself? Rejoice when I'm having a good day?

No . . . Rejoice in the Lord, Paul says. Rejoice in Him, no matter what your circumstances are! On the days that I'm bored, the days that I'm struggling, the days that I'm depressed, the days where my life seems so empty of purpose or direction, and yes, even the days that I feel fat. (that was me trying to be funny).

Because in Christ, we have something that circumstances cannot touch. We have the love of God, we have salvation, we have the promise of a compassionate God who is going to walk with us and hold us throughout life - no matter what lies ahead. To trust in Him, that He knows what He's doing, and since He's the God of my salvation, I can trust Him with my life . . . even if that means I stay single, or if I cannot make sense of the future . . . or if all I do today is dance around in my Nike pants and make 10 pans of rice krispy treats.

it's the little things

Sometimes it's the little things . . .

Like waking up before your alarm goes off, and feeling completely rested.

Or the smell of butter and marshmallows coming together in perfect harmony on the stovetop.

Or jumping . . . err, dancing around shamelessly to a certain remix

This winter . . . or at least January until now has been rough. Sometimes when you're going through a difficult season, it's the little things that can make your day.

And just reflecting on the simple truth that you are loved.

I was watching Moulin Rouge last night . . . and I just love Christian's character. Just the fact that the overlying theme of the movie is love, and how he states, "Oh, above all things, I believe in love." And Toulouse, at the end of the movie, yelling out: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love . . . and be loved in return!"

And my favorite song from the movie . . .

And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you, until the end of time
Come what may . . .

It just made me think about God's love for us.

The simple fact that we have a loving, compassionate savior who loves us right where we are. For all of my striving, stressing, anxiety-ridden madness . . . He loves me simply because He is my Father and my Savior.

That love is not based on anything that I have done or could do . . . it is not based on my social standing, my attitude, my works, my thoughts, my actions . . . it is based on what Christ did for me on the cross.

Just to stop and bask in this simple truth . . .

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved . . . For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
-Ephesians 2:4-9

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
-2 Corinthians 5:21

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
-Psalm 86:15

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
-Isaiah 40:11

hmm

I woke up this morning, praise God, in a good mood.

Things have been weighing heavily on my mind/heart this week, and I know it's not over . . . but it's nice to have a good day in the mix.

What am I living for?

If God put me on this earth on purpose, am I living for that purpose? Am I on mission? If He is the only one who will not pass away, am I investing in His kingdom? Or am I investing my life in futile, temporary things?

Or am I just living for my own personal fulfillment or happiness? Am I being selfish?

Will anything I do have a lasting impact?

What am I doing?

every time . . .

I have been struggling these past few days . . . tonight I was trying to focus, about to hash out things with God, but this song keeps floating into my head every time I'm about to get serious.



But on a more serious note, a friend recalled this passage to me, which was very comforting in the midst of heartache:

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.
-John 10:28-29

hello alone

I am a crazy person.

I have been feeling discouraged lately . . . if God is sovereign, then why do people who were once in love with Him fall away? How can you go from believing the Gospel to becoming apathetic, or believing that all religions are valid and the only thing that counts is moralism?

Why do I run towards God when life doesn't make sense? Why do I hold fast to the Gospel when those around me no longer believe?

Seriously . . . I feel like a crazy person in those moments. And then I go through an array of emotions . . . and end up just feeling discouraged and sorrowful.

I don't understand why, if God is loving and sovereign, He allows his people to fade into passiveness and indifference. I know that God pursues relationships with people . . . so why does this happen?

I start to question God . . . a friend pointed me to Habakkuk 2, a book which I've heard called "the poor man's Job." hah. Similar situation . . . Habakkuk is questioning God's timing, and why He's allowing evil to flourish . . . God answers Him by basically saying that everything will happen at it's appointed time, and that He is in control. That is the suuuuper condensed and simplified version, so don't just take my word for it.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3

I've heard it said that we look to God for explanation, and He gives us revelation of Himself.

I may never know the answers to my questions. There are some things that I just have to surrender to God . . . it basically comes down to trust. Do I trust God? Do I trust Him, that He is in control, even when things seem completely chaotic and don't make any sense at all? Do I trust in His timing, in His sovereignty, that His ways are far better than my own? Do I trust that He is who He says He is? Can I follow a God that doesn't always make sense to my human brain?

Definitely wrestling through these things . . . but it's a good thing.

dismantle

It has been way, way, way too long since I've written on this blog.

I simultaneously love and hate the moments where you take a step back and re-evaluate where you are in life.

Well, I don't love it.

Recently, a few of my closest friends broke the news that they are moving, and I don't mean down the street . . . it's more like of opposite corners of the country.

I feel like I have been floating along in life and everything seemed (at least to me) perfect . . . I think that's right when things are due to change.

I generally hate change. The only time I like change is when I'm the one in control of it. Or when it's something new and exciting. This is not exciting, this hurts my heart.

My first reaction, was to panic and think - I will have no friends!! Or, I must find a husband, because then I will have a rock, and I will have someone in my life who won't move away!

Take a step back, Sarah - you're crazy. I already have a rock, and He is the only one who promises to never leave or forsake me. In theory, I know that I'll never be alone, but sometimes you just feel so utterly alone, and it's the worst feeling in the world. Old fears, old sin, resurfaces. My fear of being alone haunts me in those moments. It threatens my identity, my being right down to the core.

I know that God promises to walk by me throughout my life, but sometimes you feel like you're all alone in some vast ocean, grasping for something to hold onto, but there's nothing there. What am I trying to hold onto? I want to hold onto my circumstances, the people and the relationships in my life. I want to have a vice grip on those things . . . and I never want them to change! But God is calling me to something so much greater . . . to hold onto Him, the one true rock who will be faithful throughout every season.

Plus, why am I getting upset when I know that what these friends are facing is so much more than my own pain in losing them? I want to be supportive to them and encourage them as they make this transition.

morning view

I am a morning person, undoubtedly.

It's not just because my body automatically wakes up at 7am on my days off, even when I haven't gone to bed until 1 or 2.

It's not just because sometimes when I'm falling asleep at night, I'm already excited about what I'm going to eat for breakfast and the thought of that first cup of coffee.

The thing about mornings is . . . it's just so peaceful and untouched. When the sun first comes up, while most of the world (or at least my neighborhood) is still asleep. It's still, it's calm, there's a cool breeze in the air. Before the day gets started and things get kicked into gear . . . it's just a moment to take a deep breath, to start fresh.

I have a choice each morning . . . what or who will I trust in to get through this day? Will I lean into the Gospel more and learn to rely more fully on God? Will I trust in my own abilities, understanding, resources, or the things that I can see? Will I allow my frustrations, insecurities and fears to take the wheel? Will I allow my circumstances to dictate my attitude and my tone for the day?

I hate waking up in a bad mood, and that definitely happened this morning. I think it was a combination of lack of adequate sleep, not being able to turn my brain off, circumstances, etc that did it.

It's definitely not how I want to start the day. I want to listen to Paul when he says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
-Phil 4:5-7

To rejoice in the Lord, in the Gospel, in reconciliation. Not that I'm going to ignore my frustrations/problems or try to brush them under the rug, but that I choose to find joy and validity in God - rather than finding those things from other people, relationships, my job, money, or other circumstances. That I won't allow those struggles to define me or take over, but that I'll surrender them to God and trust that no matter how things turn out, He is at work and He is good. Even when things seem chaotic and I just can't make sense of a situation. This is not easy, but I think it's what we're called to do.

And I might have to clarify the difference between joy/rejoicing and happiness. Happiness is more of a superficial high and is a result of when things are going the way I want them to. Joy is deeper . . . joy can resonate within me as a result of knowing the Gospel and my status with God, even when I am unhappy, when my circumstances are not what I want them to be, even when I'm wrestling through something with God.